This Is Mommyhood | Category Archive

Archive | wha? RSS feed for this section

That bitch…. aka… my mother-in-law.

By Elle on April 11, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, anxiety, family, hold me, holy hell, mommyhood, mother-in-law, my brain is melting, wha?

When I was younger, I saw how my mother-in-law treated my mom and couldn’t believe my stepdad NEVER stood up for her.

I didn’t feel like it should have been my mom to say anything because that just seemed like it would add more fuel to her MIL’s fire.

My grandmother, Josephine, was very hard on my stepdad, and I didn’t approve of it either, despite the conflicts my stepdad and I had.

The difference?

My mom would defend my father, whether he was there or not.

When I married into my husband’s family, my mother’s words stand out in my head, ”Watch out for that woman (MIL), I can tell she’s controlling”.

Mother knows best!

I already learned that when planning my wedding from hell with the MIL.

When I saw my MIL together with her mother-in-law, I thought AHA, now I get it.

The relationship was toxic.

What leaves me scratching my head is that there is absolutely no reason for my MIL to turn around and treat me the same way. She should know. I’ve seen how her MIL hurt her.

I used to think “Maybe that’s all she knows” after years of dealing with her MIL but fuck that.

My mother-in-law is a grown ass woman and should know right from wrong.

I’m not letting this woman fuck up my daughter’s 4th Birthday Party for me.

Sure, she probably will which I fucking hate because it’s my baby girl’s birthday.

Sure, she’ll give ALL the credit to my hubby for the “fabulous” party.

But fuck her.

I want to say my peace when the mother-in-law pulls her shit, trust… she will, and I want to let her know that I wish she wasn’t so critical with me.

I just don’t know how to say it without ruffling feathers. Or do I need to ruffle those mofo feathers to get my point across?

The suggestion box is now open!

*These are some “party favors” that I’m keeping in my purse for mother-in-law emergencies.

~~~~~~~~~~

**Pearl Jam – Porch

Comments { 15 }

This is going to require a lot of snuggies. That, or we turn into Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining. I’m going with the latter.

By Elle on March 25, 2013 in anxiety, depression, this and that, wha?, would you like some cheese with your whine?

Since the hubby’s in the Navy, we never really know where we’ll be sent next but got the inside scoop that there was a job opening in Ventura, CA at the end of the year. The job there for my husband seemed like a pretty done deal.

I was so excited since we wanted to stay on the west coast anyway and will be calling Seattle home in 3 or so years.

Then a bomb was dropped on us. As usual, my husband waited until the last possible second of the day, around 11pm, to tell me that he got word that the military will be sending us to coastal Maine in July.

Gulp!

Holy culture shock, Batman!

I have nothing against Maine and think it will actually be pretty cool (even with a ton of snow) but I’ve always been a California girl and planned out the next 3 years with us staying in Cali. We currently live in Northern California and have for nearly 3 years.

I just want to make it clear that I don’t hate that I’m moving to Maine, just that I’m already homesick for California and would be that way no matter where we moved…. even if it was to my beloved Seattle.

When my husband and I were living in D.C. years ago, he was sent up to Bath, Maine about 3 or 4 times for business and he loved it.

Everything I know about Maine, I learned from Stephen King, which doesn’t really help.

From what I’ve seen of it, it looks gorgeous.

I just never expected that we would actually be moving there. We don’t offically have the orders so it may change but that’s not likely.

The only thing I’m really freaking out about there is all of that snow. Sure it may be fun at first, but then it will snow and snow and snow and snow.

I just picture blizzards, no electricity, and all of us stuck in the house, driving each other insane.

REDRUM!! REDRUM!!

I can see myself going crazy with cabin fever and writing over and over… “All work and no play makes Elle a dull girl”.

I have to be honest… my other big fear is that the weather will worsen my depression. That scares me to no end.

I’ve been taking one step forward and three steps back with depression and while it’s more of an improvement than it used to be, I’m still struggling with depression and anxiety quite frequently.

Especially now, since this will be such a big change in our lives. The panic attacks have picked up no matter how much I try not to stress.

I really need to see if I can go back to my therapist (who I stopped seeing late last year) for a little “tune-up”.

The bright side is we’ll be close-ish to Boston and I’m hoping we’ll be able to make a few trips down to NYC while we’re living there.

I’m going to try and drink a bottle of shut the fuck up, stop my whining, and think of how nice it will be to move to Maine.

If you live there now or have ever lived there, please let me know what I should be expecting. Does it really snow buckets? Will we be trapped inside the house all winter while I’m at my computer writing “All work and no play makes Elle a dull girl”?

Comments { 8 }

Pretending to be an adult.

By Elle on February 21, 2013 in hold me, this and that, wha?

I’m in my mid thirties and I feel like I’m still waiting to become a grown up.

The main reason is that most of the time, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

With each year that passes, I’m starting to realize that I can’t be the only adult who feels this way.

I remember my mom being my age and I used to think she had it all figured out.

I don’t have most things figured out, especially motherhood.

When I brought my daughter home from the hospital, I thought all the answers would fly into my brain and I would transform into mom of the year overnight.

That didn’t happen.

When it comes to my nearly 4 year-old, most of the time I feel like I’m just “playing house” because I never expected to be so clueless this many years in.

I just don’t feel my age.

I like to stay up late and I still sometimes use “totally” and “awesome” in the same sentence. Me? A grown up? Nah.

I look at my daughter and think she knows much more than I do already. Then I start thinking she’d be better off being raised by wolves.

Okay, maybe not but you get what I mean.

I have a house, a wonderful family, a job, bills to pay, and two cats. I’m just waiting to catch up to my age.

Do you feel like a grown up or do you feel like you’re sometimes pretending too?

Comments { 7 }

The Trouble With Santa?!

By Elle on December 24, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, wha?

I believed in Santa when I was younger. Then I found out he wasn’t real, was disappointed for a while, and got over it. A few years ago I started blogging and that’s when I found several who were anti-Santa Claus.

Huh?

Sure, an old man in a red suit breaks into your house, eats your cookies, and leaves presents…that is kinda creepy….but I couldn’t believe the fuss over Santa.

It seemed so ridiculous how wound up people get because of Santa Claus.

I’ve seen comments like “You’re BETRAYING your children. They’ll NEVER trust you again. I spend my money on these presents so dammit, my kids are going to know who these presents come from”.

Jeez, people…this is just Santa Claus. I can’t see the harm in having your child believe. It’s so magical and fun…the way childhood should be.

So, your kid gets older and finds out there is no Santa Claus. It’s okay, they’ll get over it. As a parent, I find myself telling my daughter little white lies every day.

“Sorry sweetie, The Wonder Pets are taking a nap and can’t come to the t.v. ~~or else mommy will lose her fucking mind~~” Or I’ll use “monster spray” in her bedroom so she’ll feel safe.

I think Santa is a positive figure in a child’s life and I just don’t see the trouble with Santa.

P.S.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year!

For the PC folks, have a very merry…wait, I don’t want to force you to do anything so you don’t have to be merry…have a very merry or not so merry [enter whatever beliefs and holiday your celebrating]. By entering these beliefs, they will not be judged and if you don’t have any beliefs, I’m not trying to offend you by your lack of beliefs but I…fuck it! Merry Motherfucking Christmas!

Comments { 5 }

From the archives: It’s the most wonderful time of the year to stay inside your house because people will cut you for a parking space at the mall.

By Elle on December 18, 2012 in wha?

It’s that time of year to cozy up on the couch while making my husband watch holiday movies, drink hot cocoa with Bailey’s, and eat yummy shortbread cookies.

The time of year when my husband hangs Christmas lights up on the house using a very questionable wooden ladder, a la’ Clark Griswold, that we got after one of our many moves. The moving guys didn’t want to bother finding the rightful owner so they just gave it to us.

Someone must have a hit out on my hubby since it’s the ladder from the depths of hell.

Aaand despite it being shady and very wobbly with screws hanging out of it that aren’t attached to the steps of the ladder like they should be, he uses it anyway with a bum foot that he broke 4 years ago that still gives him problems.

It’s also the time of year when I’m especially thankful to shop online, from the safety of my own home, instead of buying gifts in shops that Christmas zombies inhabit. They are out for blood and will eat you alive for a scarf that’s on sale.

Recently, my hubby went to get us lunch at Chipotle and the closest one to our house is at the mall. He was gone for over an hour and when he came back home, he was looking pretty traumatized.

I asked him what was wrong, not even thinking about the shopping apocalypse, and he said “You sent me to. the. mall. Everyone is out Christmas shopping. There are craaazzzy people out there”.

My bad.

I know the holiday season is for giving but I would rather not receive what people are doling out. During the holiday, people give you the finger and play bumper death cars for a parking spot.

Then you have to deal with the chaos inside the store. People give you a hard time while ramming you with their carts and they stand in the middle of the freaking aisle so you can’t pass.

You’re given the crowds and you’re also given the person who lets one rip in the middle of the crowds. Since you have nowhere to go, you’re stuck smelling the smells of the season. Fa La La La La.

All of that giving leaves my heart all warm and fuzzy.

Still, despite having to miss out on all of that Christmas fun, I’m shopping online instead.

Comments { 0 }

The elf on the shelf is back… fuck me.

By Elle on November 28, 2012 in i know i'm strange, wha?

Last year I mentioned that the elf on the shelf creeps me out and this year, whenever I go on Peenterest, I see all kinds of creepy elf on the shelf ideas.

I don’t know about ya’ll but I’m so glad my mom didn’t hide a little creepy elf around the house during Christmas time. If she did, I must have blocked it out from being traumatized.

I finally caved and bought an elf. Now that I have it, I still find it creepy as hell. The hummingbird hasn’t seen it yet because the elf has been too busy going through my goody bag.

It all started when I heard a thumping and vibrating sound coming from the closet. I just got the elf earlier that day so I was wondering what kind of trouble she could be getting into already.

I opened the closet and to my horror, I saw this…

That bitch was using my vibrator. She claimed she was “using it for a back problem”. Yeah, right.

Naughty, naughty elf.

*I’ve entered this into the inappropriate elf contest.

Comments { 3 }

A Hairy Situation

By Elle on November 8, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, ugh!, wha?

I hate having to get my hair done because it’s hard for me to sit still for so long. It usually takes 3 hours to have my barely brushed or thrown in a ponytail hair all glammed up with foil highlights and a cut. Then, afterwards, I’ll be so glad I went to the hairdresser after all.

I’ve had plenty of experience getting a hairdresser from hell and here are just a few….sorry mom but you’re on here. I’LL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU DID DO MY BANGS!! Ahem.

Since my husband is in the military and we move frequently, the hardest thing I’ve found to deal with is…. finding a good hairdresser. We’ve moved over 10 times since being married and Oy! A good hairdresser can be hard to find.

Once I find a good hairdresser, we’re off to the next place to live and I have to start all over again.

This one time, at band camp…kidding. Really though, this one time, my husband and I had recently moved to San Diego. I had been going to a few different hairdressers but couldn’t find one I liked.

There was a hair salon a few blocks from where we lived that looked pretty nice. I used to walk by it whenever I went to the grocery store and after my disappointing results with my most recent hairstylist, I decided to give this place a try.

My hair is fine but I have a lot of it so it usually takes a good hour or so to get foil highlights. The guy I went to see whipped through my hair and I was all foiled up in about 20 minutes.

Not long after, I was walking out the door. The color looked fine when he showed it to me in the mirror and I thought, ‘FINALLY, I found a decent hairdresser!”

I went next door to the drugstore to pick up some new products for my new color when I happened to come across a mirror.

The HORROR!

I looked like fucking Bozo the Clown. No really, I did.

My hair was orange. Really, really orange.

I know I could have easily gone back and asked for a refund. I certainly wasn’t going to ask this man to fix it after the damage he had already done.

Better yet, my head could have been used in place of an orange traffic cone but alas, I decided to just go home and die of embarrassment.

I scoured the internet for hairdressers and found one nearby that I went to the next day.

The hairdresser I went to see told me she gets several clients from the place I went to who need to get damage control for their hair.

The good thing that came out of the ordeal was that after that, I found a really good hairdresser.

Another memorable hairtastrophe involves my mom. Hi mom! I was about 9 years old and needed a bang trim. My mom took me into the kitchen, sat me down, and proceeded to snip away. She snipped some more. Then she snipped even more.

I was thinking ruh roh the whole time.

After she was done, I raced to the bathroom mirror and I’m pretty sure there were tears. She had cut my bangs so short that they were high above my eyebrows. Worse yet is that my hair is naturally curly so they shrank up even more.

My bangs, which usually seem to grow fast, took forever to grow out. After that, I never let her near my hair again. Well, at least not until 10 years later when she seemed to have worked on her bang trimming skills because by then she was bad ass at it.

In my early 20′s, I would dye my own hair and there were plenty of hairtastrophe’s that proceeded. I finally promised myself to never color my own hair again and have since left it to the professionals.

When going to a new hairdresser, I’m always on high alert by what they do and ask question since I don’t want to end up like Bozo the Clown ever again.

Now I am happily having a hair affair with my current hairdresser who gets it perfect ever time. I did have to “cheat” on her once because she wasn’t available.

Isn’t that the worst? Cheating on your hairdresser. Then I went back to my regular one in a sweat. Her: Your hair sure has held up well since I last saw you. Me: OMG, I can’t stand the pressure. I had to see someone else because you weren’t available. Aggghh!

Next year my husband is being stationed one last time before he retires from the Navy so by this time next year, I’ll be back to hitting the pavement, trying to find another great hairdresser.

I’ve already solved that problem though. She doesn’t know it yet but my hairdresser is moving with me.

What kind of hair catastrophe’s have you had?