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Freaky ass pregnant dreams.

I’m dreaming about Doogie Howser. And driving cars. And explosions and bombs. And almost drowning. And driving more cars. And almost sinking on the Titanic with Doogie. And fires.

I feel like that chick, Nancy, in the original Nightmare On Elm Street except unfortunately my boyfriend isn’t Johnny Depp. Booo! “Whatever you do, don’t go to sleep!”

The other night, I was dreaming I was driving around on a scooter and picked up Neil Patrick Harris to go cruising around. We took a wrong turn and ended up on the set of Titanic when it was flooding and we’re able to drive off the ship at the last minute.

Last night I dreamed that I was in maybe the CIA or FBI and everybody ended up being double agents, including me. There was this big shootout and for some of us to save ourselves, we had to jump into the ocean.

That’s when stingrays started to come to the surface of the water and proceeded to chomp on our feet.

WTF?

Other dreams I’ve had are way to grotesque to even describe. When I looked up the meaning of some of these dreams, it seemed to say that I’m having anxiety of giving birth… water breaking and all of the blood from labor, perhaps?

Another dream I had was I was driving downtown and was in this monster SUV. There was a parade going on and as I was rounding a corner to park, a pomeranian jumps out at me and I have to slam on my brakes. Then, I go in a loop and it starts all over. I’ve had that dream more than once.

I’ve been dreading going to sleep and sometimes wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning, scared out of my mind from some of these really gruesome and really vivid dreams.

I think I may have to start watching Ryan Gosling and Mark Ruffalo movies before bed. Yeah, even if they don’t help my dreams become less scary, they’re great eye candy.

What are some freaky ass dreams you’ve had?

*Just Give Me A Reason

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That bitch…. aka… my mother-in-law.

bitch-mil1When I was younger, I saw how my mother-in-law treated my mom and couldn’t believe my stepdad NEVER stood up for her.

I didn’t feel like it should have been my mom to say anything because that just seemed like it would add more fuel to her MIL’s fire.

My grandmother, Josephine, was very hard on my stepdad, and I didn’t approve of it either, despite the conflicts my stepdad and I had.

The difference?

My mom would defend my father, whether he was there or not.

When I married into my husband’s family, my mother’s words stand out in my head,  “Watch out for that woman (MIL), I can tell she’s controlling”.

Mother knows best!

I already learned that when planning my wedding from hell with the MIL.

When I saw my MIL together with her mother-in-law, I thought AHA, now I get it.

The relationship was toxic.

What leaves me scratching my head is that there is absolutely no reason for my MIL to turn around and treat me the same way. She should know. I’ve seen how her MIL hurt her.

I used to think “Maybe that’s all she knows” after years of dealing with her MIL but fuck that.

My mother-in-law is a grown ass woman and should know right from wrong.

I’m not letting this woman fuck up my daughter’s 4th Birthday Party for me.

Sure, she probably will which I fucking hate because it’s my baby girl’s birthday.

Sure, she’ll give ALL the credit to my hubby for the “fabulous” party.

But fuck her.

I want to say my peace when the mother-in-law pulls her shit, trust… she will, and I want to let her know that I wish she wasn’t so critical with me.

I just don’t know how to say it without ruffling feathers. Or do I need to ruffle those mofo feathers to get my point across?

The suggestion box is now open!

*These are some “party favors” that I’m keeping in my purse for mother-in-law emergencies.

vodka311~~~~~~~~~~

**Pearl Jam – Porch

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This is going to require a lot of snuggies. That, or we turn into Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining. I’m going with the latter.

Redrum2-1Since the hubby’s in the Navy, we never really know where we’ll be sent next but got the inside scoop that there was a job opening in Ventura, CA at the end of the year. The job there for my husband seemed like a pretty done deal.

I was so excited since we wanted to stay on the west coast anyway and will be calling Seattle home in 3 or so years.

Then a bomb was dropped on us. As usual, my husband waited until the last possible second of the day, around 11pm, to tell me that he got word that the military will be sending us to coastal Maine in July.

Gulp!

Holy culture shock, Batman!

I have nothing against Maine and think it will actually be pretty cool (even with a ton of snow) but I’ve always been a California girl and planned out the next 3 years with us staying in Cali. We currently live in Northern California and have for nearly 3 years.

I just want to make it clear that I don’t hate that I’m moving to Maine, just that I’m already homesick for California and would be that way no matter where we moved…. even if it was to my beloved Seattle.

When my husband and I were living in D.C. years ago, he was sent up to Bath, Maine about 3 or 4 times for business and he loved it.

Everything I know about Maine, I learned from Stephen King, which doesn’t really help.

From what I’ve seen of it, it looks gorgeous.

I just never expected that we would actually be moving there. We don’t offically have the orders so it may change but that’s not likely.

The only thing I’m really freaking out about there is all of that snow. Sure it may be fun at first, but then it will snow and snow and snow and snow.

I just picture blizzards, no electricity, and all of us stuck in the house, driving each other insane.

REDRUM!! REDRUM!!

I can see myself going crazy with cabin fever and writing over and over… “All work and no play makes Elle a dull girl”.

The Shining2I have to be honest… my other big fear is that the weather will worsen my depression. That scares me to no end.

I’ve been taking one step forward and three steps back with depression and while it’s more of an improvement than it used to be, I’m still struggling with depression and anxiety quite frequently.

Especially now, since this will be such a big change in our lives. The panic attacks have picked up no matter how much I try not to stress.

I really need to see if I can go back to my therapist (who I stopped seeing late last year) for a little “tune-up”.

The bright side is we’ll be close-ish to Boston and I’m hoping we’ll be able to make a few trips down to NYC while we’re living there.

I’m going to try and drink a bottle of shut the fuck up, stop my whining, and think of how nice it will be to move to Maine.

If you live there now or have ever lived there, please let me know what I should be expecting. Does it really snow buckets? Will we be trapped inside the house all winter while I’m at my computer writing “All work and no play makes Elle a dull girl”?

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Pretending to be an adult.

Pretending-to-be-a-functioning-adultI’m in my mid thirties and I feel like I’m still waiting to become a grown up.

The main reason is that most of the time, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

With each year that passes, I’m starting to realize that I can’t be the only adult who feels this way.

I remember my mom being my age and I used to think she had it all figured out.

I don’t have most things figured out, especially motherhood.

When I brought my daughter home from the hospital, I thought all the answers would fly into my brain and I would transform into mom of the year overnight.

That didn’t happen.

When it comes to my nearly 4 year-old, most of the time I feel like I’m just “playing house” because I never expected to be so clueless this many years in.

I just don’t feel my age.

I like to stay up late and I still sometimes use “totally” and “awesome” in the same sentence. Me? A grown up? Nah.

I look at my daughter and think she knows much more than I do already. Then I start thinking she’d be better off being raised by wolves.

Okay, maybe not but you get what I mean.

I have a house, a wonderful family, a job, bills to pay, and two cats. I’m just waiting to catch up to my age.

Do you feel like a grown up or do you feel like you’re sometimes pretending too?

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The Trouble With Santa?!

santa-claus1

I believed in Santa when I was younger. Then I found out he wasn’t real, was disappointed for a while, and got over it. A few years ago I started blogging and that’s when I found several who were anti-Santa Claus.

Huh?

Sure, an old man in a red suit breaks into your house, eats your cookies, and leaves presents…that is kinda creepy….but I couldn’t believe the fuss over Santa.

It seemed so ridiculous how wound up people get because of Santa Claus.

I’ve seen comments like “You’re BETRAYING your children. They’ll NEVER trust you again. I spend my money on these presents so dammit, my kids are going to know who these presents come from”.

Jeez, people…this is just Santa Claus. I can’t see the harm in having your child believe. It’s so magical and fun…the way childhood should be.

So, your kid gets older and finds out there is no Santa Claus. It’s okay, they’ll get over it. As a parent, I find myself telling my daughter little white lies every day.

“Sorry sweetie, The Wonder Pets are taking a nap and can’t come to the t.v. or else mommy will lose her fucking mind” Or I’ll use “monster spray” in her bedroom so she’ll feel safe.

I think Santa is a positive figure in a child’s life and I just don’t see the trouble with Santa.

P.S.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year!

For the PC folks, have a very merry…wait, I don’t want to force you to do anything so you don’t have to be merry…have a very merry or not so merry [enter whatever beliefs and holiday your celebrating]. By entering these beliefs, they will not be judged and if you don’t have any beliefs, I’m not trying to offend you by your lack of beliefs but I…fuck it! Merry Motherfucking Christmas!

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From the archives: It’s the most wonderful time of the year to stay inside your house because people will cut you for a parking space at the mall.

It’s that time of year to cozy up on the couch while making my husband watch holiday movies, drink hot cocoa with Bailey’s, and eat yummy shortbread cookies.

The time of year when my husband hangs Christmas lights up on the house using a very questionable wooden ladder, a la’ Clark Griswold, that we got after one of our many moves. The moving guys didn’t want to bother finding the rightful owner so they just gave it to us.

Someone must have a hit out on my hubby since it’s the ladder from the depths of hell.

Aaand despite it being shady and very wobbly with screws hanging out of it that aren’t attached to the steps of the ladder like they should be, he uses it anyway with a bum foot that he broke 4 years ago that still gives him problems.

It’s also the time of year when I’m especially thankful to shop online, from the safety of my own home, instead of buying gifts in shops that Christmas zombies inhabit. They are out for blood and will eat you alive for a scarf that’s on sale.

Recently, my hubby went to get us lunch at Chipotle and the closest one to our house is at the mall. He was gone for over an hour and when he came back home, he was looking pretty traumatized.

I asked him what was wrong, not even thinking about the shopping apocalypse, and he said “You sent me to. the. mall. Everyone is out Christmas shopping. There are craaazzzy people out there”.

My bad.

I know the holiday season is for giving but I would rather not receive what people are doling out. During the holiday, people give you the finger and play bumper death cars for a parking spot.

Then you have to deal with the chaos inside the store. People give you a hard time while ramming you with their carts and they stand in the middle of the freaking aisle so you can’t pass.

You’re given the crowds and you’re also given the person who lets one rip in the middle of the crowds. Since you have nowhere to go, you’re stuck smelling the smells of the season. Fa La La La La.

All of that giving leaves my heart all warm and fuzzy.

Still, despite having to miss out on all of that Christmas fun, I’m shopping online instead.

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The elf on the shelf is back… fuck me.

Last year I mentioned that the elf on the shelf creeps me out and this year, whenever I go on Peenterest, I see all kinds of creepy elf on the shelf ideas.

I don’t know about ya’ll but I’m so glad my mom didn’t hide a little creepy elf around the house during Christmas time. If she did, I must have blocked it out from being traumatized.

I finally caved and bought an elf. Now that I have it, I still find it creepy as hell. The hummingbird hasn’t seen it yet because the elf has been too busy going through my goody bag.

It all started when I heard a thumping and vibrating sound coming from the closet. I just got the elf earlier that day so I was wondering what kind of trouble she could be getting into already.

I opened the closet and to my horror, I saw this…

That bitch was using my vibrator. She claimed she was “using it for a back problem”. Yeah, right.

Naughty, naughty elf.

*I’ve entered this into the inappropriate elf contest.

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