I’m on my billionth sinus infection since last year and while I thought I was going to get out of it without surgery, now it looks like I’m going to be put under the knife. I just had a CT scan done this week and my ENT doctor told me last night that by the looks of the scan and if it was up to her then she would have me in the OR right now.

But I have insurance that likes to pick at their buttcrack for a while before they approve referrals. It’s basically a huge, inflammed mess up in my nose. Not to be confused with a huge, inflammed mess up in my ass. But don’t fret. I’m sure if there was something wrong with my ass, you’d be reading about it.

I know. TMI. That’s me!

So now I’m on my 4th (or is it the 5th one?) antibiotic and I’m taking the steroid Prednisone. Oh. My. Gawd. I’m only on my third day of it and I feel like I already have roid rage. I’m sure my husband is thrilled because I’m also pms’ing so yay for him!

My doctor called the big guns at Stanford and as soon as my insurance clears the way. I might actually get my sinus problems resolved.

I still can’t get over the crappy medical care I received at a military hospital a few years ago which is why I’m having problems now. When I would tell my doctor there that something is really wrong with my sinuses, he would look up my nose with that horrible ice pick scope and say everything’s fine and I just need to blow my nose.

Dumbass.

It took over a year and a move to the west coast before I was told that I have scar tissue from a previous sinus surgery completely blocking my sinuses on the left side of my face.

Last year at this time I had my second sinus surgery to repair the complications caused by the first one but I can do without making this a yearly tradition. It’s already getting me in a panic and since I’m the queen of panic attacks, I’ve found that spending some time on Peenterest Pinterest helps take my mind off of things. Well that and some xanax.

Oh, I can’t forget Trader Joe’s cocoa truffles. That will cure anything. The truffles get all melty in your mouth and it tastes like rich hot chocolate. They’re orgasmic chocolate truffles.

Pinterest, xanax, and orgasmic truffles is how I roll on a Saturday night. I’m such a wild woman. Yee Haw!

On to the movie and music of the week….

The World According To Garp -  With Robin Williams, Glenn Close, John Lithgow, and Mary Beth Hurt. I first saw this movie when I was younger and it’s been one my favorites since. It’s so good…just watch the damn movie. :^)

MC Solaar – Caroline

I was chilling, sitting on a bench, It was spring, and Two lovers gather daisies. Overdosed on tenderness They play like children I love you a little… lots… madly passionate… But after a deception of the heart, My good mood became brutal But to hate another is not our right Chernobyl Cherno–[im]becile Jealousy’s radioactive.

Caroline was a friend, a super fine girl I think again of her, of us, of our vanilla ice creams Of her cravings for strawberry, raspberry and blueberry, Of her endless talk, of her tacky style. I’m the ace of clubs that trumps [spade] your heart The ace of clubs that trumps your heart… The ace of clubs that trumps your heart… Caroline…

Like the four-leaf clover [spade], I seek your happiness, I’m the man who fell in time to take your heart Let’s not gamble with this Caro [diamond], this message comes from the heart,

A pyramid of kisses, A storm of friendship, A wave of feeling, A cyclone of softness, An ocean of thoughts, Caroline, I offered you a bâtiment of tenderness.

My fears are deep blue, The red army is on my tail I took out green bills for you, I had to move to prevail, Fire-starter of your heart, Fighter-pilot of your fears, I offered you a symphony of colours.

She left, masochist, with an old macho, That she’d met in a station on the metro When I see them hand-in-hand smoking the same cigarette, I feel a flush in her heart, but she daren’t say a word. I’m the ace of clubs that trumps your heart The ace of clubs that trumps your heart… The ace of clubs that trumps your heart… Caroline…

MC Claude on the microphone, with a love story ragamuffin style To tell you about a girl-friend called Caroline She was my girl, my hit, she was my vitamin, My drug, my dope, my coke, my crack, and my amphetamine Caroline… I think of her again, cosmopolitan, 20 years young and pretty, Let me rewind the film on life’s video player, Should I admit, for her tears have fallen – Ocular haemorrhage…

A toast to our friendship, To the past, the present, and I hope of the future, I passed to be present in your future This life’s a game of cards, And Paris [bet] a casino, I’m with the reds, heart, Caro [diamond].

I’m the ace of clubs that trumps your heart… Caro, The ace of clubs that trumps your heart… The ace of clubs that trumps your heart… Caroline…

The lovely and very talented writer, Tricia, who writes on her personal blog Stream Of The Conscious and for A Nervous Tic Motion has been going through a sad time. Her grandmother recently passed away and Tricia asked for people to share a family story in honor of her grandmother. I’m writing it on my blog or else it would be a really long comment.

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I’ve always thought my maternal grandfather was the coolest grandpa anyone could ever have. He was part of the Flying Tigers in World War 2 and was a police officer later on. He had a tattoo that he got in the war and I thought it was bad ass because I didn’t know anyone else who had one at the time.

Back when my mom and I moved from California to Footloose, USA, we lived with my grandpa for a while. My grandfather took me on a few of his shifts and since Footloose was such a small town, it wasn’t like there would’ve been a bank robbery or a murder. He loved pistachios and I remember sitting in the car with him when he was on patrol, eating pistachios and drinking soda.

I didn’t have cable television when I was growing up and when I got a little older he would record movies for me and hours of MTV.

It was probably different for my mom but I remember when it came to his personality he was as cool as a cucumber and never seemed rattled at whatever was thrown at him. Like my driving when I was a teenager.

I was 15 and living in California with my sperm donor. That summer I went to visit my mom, stepdad, and sister in Footloose. My grandfather and I went out one day in his brand new red truck and it came up that I would be getting my driver’s license soon. I had driven my mom’s car very short distances but that was it.

My grandfather’s truck was a stick shift and I had no idea how to drive one so he said he’d teach me. He drove right outside of town to an area they were developing but there were still dirt roads. I had a hard time getting the truck to move and it was very clear that I suck at driving a car with a stick shift.

I could probably drive one if the hummingbird and I were in danger. Like if zombies and vampires were battling it out in our neighborhood and we had to make a quick escape.

After what seemed like forever, I finally got my grandfathers’s truck to move a few feet at a time. I kept on making his truck sputter along since I just couldn’t get the hang of a stick shift.

There we were jerking back and forth and I wanted to give up but he told me to give it a chance. I finally got the truck to move more than a few feet but while I was trucking along I couldn’t resist I saw a car coming in the opposite direction.

I was freaking out and wanted to stop when it passed but my grandfather told me that if I’m going to be driving soon, I’m ultimately going to have to pass cars. haha!

The closer the car came, the more anxious I got and right when it was passing us, I slammed on the brakes. I looked over expecting my grandfather to be mad but he was just sitting there, as calm as ever.

After that he let me go off roading for a bit. There was a small field I would speed across and then brake really fast. I couldn’t believe he was letting me go wild with his brand new truck all the while remaining so patient with me.

I was having a rough visit because back then I didn’t get along with my stepdad at all and my grandfather probably knew that I needed some fun.

We headed back to my parents house with my grandfather behind the wheel. I remember giving him lots of hugs and promising to call him more often. I jumped out of his truck and as I was walking to the front door, I turned back while waving and told him I love you. He said the same and told me he’s looking forward to seeing me soon.

That ended up being the last time I saw him. My grandfather passed away 2 months later. After all of these years, I still miss him like crazy.

~~~~~

One of the really exciting things that happened when I lived in Footloose, USA was that they filmed a movie there with Bill Paxton (I can’t remember the name of the movie). My grandfather got to meet him since the police department was handling the security.

My grandfather, Robert, shaking hands with actor Bill Paxton. I had school that day so I didn’t get to meet him. *sad face*

~~~~~

What I didn’t expect after expecting 

June 20, 2011

This has been sitting in my draft file for a few months because I keep on thinking of things to add. I could literally go on and on & write a book on this but tried to keep this kind of short, for me anyway.

I was told of things that would happen after I had a baby but in a vague way and of course I didn’t think some of this stuff would happen to me. Yes, you’re right. I’m a dumbass.

I talk about blood, pee, and poop so you should stop reading now if you’re super squeamish and would like to keep down that yummy meal you just had.

If you’re not sure that you’re ready to have kids then reading this will be perfect birth control.

Screw what to expect. Expect the unexpected.

No matter what anyone tells you will happen after you have a baby, including me, it might not happen to you. You just never know what to expect with a baby. Your cute little squishy babe grows so fast and changes so much that it can be hard to keep up.

There were so many things I had planned on once my daughter was born and with most of the things, I’ve gone the other way. Like television.

I had planned on not having her watch very much television but now that she’s 2, if I want to get anything done (a shower, scarfing down lunch before she sees me eating and ends up eating all of it even though she didn’t want much of her lunch…) I let her watch her favorite show along with a few others that she likes. I’m still in no way guaranteed to be able to get things done but since my little girl doesn’t always nap, it can guarantee some of my sanity.

Being a parent is harder than I thought it would be. There are times when my little girl will be throwing a tantrum and just when I think Calgon, take me away she’ll all of a sudden do something so cute that it makes my heart melt. But other times I can be counting down the minutes until my hubby gets home so I can hand her off to him and I can have a breather.

Lack of bladder control.

When I was pregnant (and way before that) I read about kegel exercises. Since I had to pee constantly while I was pregnant, the last thing I wanted to do were kegel’s.

I used to think only women who gave birth vaginally had problems with bladder control. Silly me. I pee myself when I cough, sneeze, laugh, and breathe although it’s not all the time.

Sometimes I’ll think I’m safe after I sneeze and then I’m thinking ha ha bladder, I won this round but it gets back at me a few minutes later. Usually when it happens I’ll say Ohhhh! and my hubby will be like you peed yourself didn’t you? and as I’m running up the stairs I’ll say yep and by the way, you’re having the next baby.

There will be blood. And look! More blood, and more, and more.

I thought how awesome it was that I didn’t have my period for several months but don’t be fooled. Not only do you get all of the periods you’ve missed at the same time, you get more for good measure. I was bleeding for weeks and had to wear diaper sized pads.

Mesh panties.

I had no idea these existed, just like the perineal bottle. I’m sure the look of What the f*ck?! I had was pretty obvious when the nurse handed me both. The hospital gave me mesh underwear along with huge pads that looked like they were made for the Jolly Green Giant. I have to admit, it took a few days but I started to like the mesh underwear, especially since my own would bother my cesarean incision. I even asked for a few more to bring home.

The first postpartum poo.

I wasn’t able to experience a vaginal birth since I had an emergency c-section but 3 days later I felt what it was like to give birth…out of my ass. Oh My Gawd! I was given stool softeners and took them but didn’t think it would be that bad.

There was a hand rail by the toilet in my hospital room and I thought it was there for help getting up. Nope. That hand rail is there so you can hold on for dear life while you have the poo that has come from the depths of hell.

Just a tip. Before you leave the hospital, steal bring home everything that isn’t bolted down.

I took a few of the waterproof pads they had on my hospital bed and some of the towels. Get my towels and bed all bloody? I think not. I know there were other things I brought home but I just can’t remember. Oh, that’s another wonderful thing about mommyhood. Mommy Brain. woo hoo!

When my daughter came home, we took the diapers, wipes, etc. The nurse we had actually went and got a new pack of diapers for us since the little hummingbird only had a few left in her NICU cart. Our nurse was helping us stock up on other freebies as well. I also grabbed a few of the drink pitchers I had used since they were perfect when it came to warming up bottles.

Just breathe.

As much as we wanted to bring our daughter home from the NICU, it was also terrifying. We were the ones responsible for this tiny person. I remember the first or second night after she came home. The swaddling blankets we got weren’t even capable of wrapping up a chipmunk and our little girl was only about 8 pounds at the time.

So my hubby went out to find bigger blankets and it was the first time I was alone with my daughter.

While my husband was gone, I gave her a bottle and everything was smooth sailing at that point. Then she threw up all over me and the couch. She also had a diaper blowout. There were tears on my part because I felt like I wasn’t doing anything right. Then I kept telling myself that my daughter doesn’t know I’m not doing everything perfect and I became more calm-ish. Don’t get me wrong, I still sent frantic texts to my husband to hurry the hell up.

*Quick sidenote. I discovered Aden & Anais blankets around her first birthday and my daughter LOVES them. We have to make sure to bring one with us wherever we go. They are pricey but so worth it.

Pregnancy weight and recovery.

Unless your name is Miranda Kerr or Gisele ‘I made pancakes and washed dishes shortly after giving birth, a birth that wasn’t painful, not even a little bit’ Bündchen *eyeroll*, try not to stress about your weight after having a baby. The weight will come off eventually and if it doesn’t, remember that your body went through a lot.

It’s the same with recovery and exercising. You might see women who’ve just had a baby a week before, jogging around the neighborhood but it’s fine if your thinking hell to the no and of course if you’ve had a c-section, you have to wait anyway. Recovery is different for everyone. Enjoy your crying, poopy, pukey, will not sleep for more than a few hours at a time, what the hell?! I’m going to die of sleep deprivation, baby. Yay!

Postpartum feelings.

It took me almost 14 years to have a baby it’s more like 13 but you know how I feel about that number (that’s for another post) and I thought everything would be like a diaper commercial. All smiley and happy. It’s not. Unless you’re a robot but robots can’t have babies. I don’t think.

There wasn’t any doubt that I loved my little girl and I had waited so long to have her. But the hormones were swirling around, here was this new little person in our lives, and my hubby and I were beyond exhausted. There were times, especially in the early months, when I would think What did I get myself into? or This wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.

I would hear people with newborns saying how it’s such an amazing time and everything’s great and so easy. I would end up feeling like an awful new mom because I didn’t always think it was rainbows and butterflies. In hindsight, I think my feelings were normal.

Don’t feel pressured when it comes to how you want to raise your child. We might have different ways we want to do it but we want the same outcome. To raise our tiny dictators as best as we can and have them know how much we love them no matter what.

I don’t think there’s a wrong way when it comes to raising kids and how you go about it. There will always be people who judge but just tune them out.

I wanted to breastfeed more than anything but it didn’t work out like I hoped so instead I pumped like a maniac. I beat myself up for not being able to breastfeed and felt bad because I had very little milk coming in but honestly, looking back now, I wish I would have just spent that time with my daughter soaking in all her sweet babyness (totally a word) instead of being hooked up to a pump several times a day.

I started cloth diapering her around her first birthday but lately we haven’t been doing it as often. I don’t know why since it’s so much easier than I thought it would be. I love cloth diapering. I was feeling bad about it but my hubby and I are doing what works for us.

Last but not least….

You will freak out about every little thing and that’s normal. There will be times when you’re not freaking out and then you’ll freak out for not freaking out.

Pretty self-explanatory.

I thought it would be so cool to have contact with a lot of these people. I thought of how we would reminisce, email each other, and even possibly talk on the phone about what’s been going on in our lives.

What the hell was I thinking?!

It’s my personal FB account that I have a problem with and I feel like I have to be really careful about what I say. It’s pretty ironic seeing how on my personal account these are friends, people I went to school with, and family members.

Sometimes I think there’s a good reason that I’ve lost touch with some of them and it should have stayed that way. Other times it’s can be really great because while it tore me up when my aunt died a year ago, I’m now in touch with my two cousins that I haven’t seen or heard from since I was just a kid.

I promised myself that I would never talk about religion or politics on my blog which is why this post is difficult to write but it’s hard to avoid while explaining why I loathe Facebook.

I feel my views are open and accepting but then I think maybe not if I’m bothered by the views of others. Except I don’t feel like it’s just simply their views. I feel like it’s more about them spewing hatred on Facebook. It makes my blood boil when people stereotype based on color and religion or when I hear that people who are gay shouldn’t be allowed to marry because it will ruin the sanctity of marriage.

Seriously?!

One family member went on a rant about a particular religious group and I found it disgusting.

It got his other FB friends in a tizzy, saying this group of people needs to die, someone should blow them up, and on they went.

What. the. fuck?!

This is someone I’ve known my entire life. Within a year and a half I’ve seen the real side of this person and now I wonder if he said some of these degrading and racist things when I was younger but maybe I just let it slide or didn’t pay attention since he’s family and someone I love.

It makes my stomach drop when I think about it because in a way I feel like I’m accepting what he writes on his Facebook wall since I’ve never said anything.  Then again, I have no idea what I would say but I know it wouldn’t make a difference to this person.

It’s not just him though, it’s several people that have done it. I know I can easily unfriend them but for some reason I just can’t.

On the bright side there are people I’ve reconnected with and I’m so freaking happy that they’re back in my life.

So here I am, loving and loathing Facebook.

I decided to combine Rockit Saturday and Blended Wednesday together. Blended Wednesday is when I write about random things going on that isn’t long enough for a whole post. Needless to say, I haven’t come up with a name for these posts yet.

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The hubby and I are still waiting to tour our top pick for preschool. It’s been rescheduled twice already by the school director. Once because she was sick and this week because one of the teachers got sick and the director had to teach instead. It’s made me really antsy because I finally started to love the idea of the hummingbird going to preschool twice a week and being able to get some time by myself.

There was one preschool that has students take an admissions exam. Huh? My little girl is only 2 1/2 and loves saying poop while making farting noises. Unless that’s on the admissions exam, I’ll pass. I started feeling panic-y just looking through the preschool’s website.

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The Girl In The Cafe with Bill Nighy and Kelly Macdonald. A government worker, Lawrence, invites Gina to the G8 conference. Gina is somewhat of a mystery and starts speaking out about her displeasure with the policies to the leaders of the G8 conference, leaving Lawrence stuck in the middle. I love the subtle humor and the originality of the plot.

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I’m a big fan of foreign films and I’m always amazed that my hubby will actually watch these movies with me because I know it’s not his thing.

He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not with my favorite French actress Audrey Tautou and Samuel Le Bihan. The first part of the movie shows her side of the relationship and the second half shows his side. I don’t want to give anything away so I’ll zip it.

After taking the little hummingbird to see the Easter Bunny last year and getting this reaction from her…

We vowed to never take her again and the hummingbird has banned all bunnies. This pic was emailed to both of our families but I guess one relative it wasn’t from my side of the family didn’t take the hummingbird’s bunny ban seriously and the Bunny Apocalypse of 2012 has already taken place.

It was stuffed in a big box so when we opened it, all we saw was pink fur until the hummingbird grabbed it out of the box and she came face to face with The Bunninator.

The bunny usually plays musical rooms all day and at night it somehow it’s my hubby’s doing ends up on our bed. Last night we were both way too tired to move so the bunny stayed on our bed and watched over us. It’s creepy to have a stuffed rabbit look down on you all night. It’s some Poltergeist shit except that was a freaky ass clown.

And while I’m on the subject…kinda….sorta…I’ll never understand giving a toddler or any kid a ginormous stuffed animal. This same relative gave the hummingbird a HUGE stuffed Elmo the year before and it’s still bigger than her.

She can’t cuddle up with it at night since it won’t fit in her bed, she can’t carry it around, and she can’t really play with it unless she gets sick of body slamming me and then Elmo has a use but it’s not very often because my kid loves kicking my ass and using me as a jungle gym.

The big ass Elmo just sits on her toy box all day and I found out the hard way that he talks when you squeeze his stomach. I was trying to stuff him in a garbage bag so I could put it in a closet without the hummingbird knowing and all of a sudden out comes Elmo Loooooves Youuu!

Holy f*cking hell.

It’s safe to say I jumped back a few feet.

~~~~~

No matter what you’re fashion sense was before having a kid, yoga pants are your friend. I didn’t get maternity yoga pants until I was in my 8th month of pregnancy. It wasn’t because I had a tiny baby bump but because I was wearing non-maternity sweatpants throughout most of my pregnancy. I tried wearing maternity pants and jeans but the ones I would try on always felt uncomfortable. When I finally got maternity yoga pants, I wanted to kick my own ass for not getting them sooner because they were so comfortable.

After I had my daughter I might have worn my maternity yoga pants for a month more like 6 months because they were so cozy. Then I stocked up on regular yoga pants. The bootcut style is the best. I’m sure it has something to do with the airflow so it makes you run faster when your 2-year-old has broken your grasp and is running full speed down the sidewalk. I think bootcut yoga pants do for your body what spoilers do for cars.

Having a baby with your husband won’t mend your relationship with your mother-in-law but it will make it worse as your child gets older. My MIL has made it quite clear that she hates the fact that I’m the little hummingbird’s mom. Not through words but definitely through her actions. Despite the fact that I’m the one with my daughter most of the time, my mother-in-law gives ALL of the credit to my husband when it comes to her being such a great little girl.

She praises my hubby for our daughter being a spunky and humorous kid with a silly side who loves books even though those are the qualities (not that I’m trying to give myself a pat on the back) she gets from me. Okay, so maybe I’m not always funny but I do try to see the humor in things. My hubby is a lot more reserved, very quiet, and doesn’t really let loose unless I drag it out of him. He’s gotten better about that since it’s pretty impossible to have a 2-year-old and not let loose and be silly.

Even so, it’s like I don’t exist in her world….until she wants to throw insults my way.

You really won’t be able to pee in peace ever again. Well, maybe if you get up in the middle of the night but even then you might not. The are times when I desperately want just a couple of minutes alone and I’ll lock the door so she can’t come in but even then she starts pounding on the door while yelling MAAAHHHHMMMEEEEE. So much for some quiet.

Being a mom can be lonely. As my daughter has gotten older and becomes more independent, I feel like I’ve lost some of my identity. I’m not resentful in any way but I can feel lonely, especially when my husband doesn’t seem to understand some of the typical feelings that go along with being a mom.

He’ll obviously never understand mommy brain for instance which is why I’m really hoping to get her into preschool a few days a week so I can back to school and take a few classes at the local college. I had planned on doing it last fall but then I got mommy guilt big time. He also doesn’t seem to get that for 12 hours a day I’m living in a 2 year old’s world while he’s at work and I’m dying for adult conversation. But when he comes home from work and we start talking, he’ll reference something he saw on Elmo’s World and that’s when I want to get out the shovel.

Toddlers are awesome at driving you crazy and can make your heart melt at the same time. I don’t know how they have this skill but I think they’re given a manual about how to do this when they’re still in the womb. When the hummingbird is battling bedtime, on one hand I’ll think to myself Holy hell, just go to sleep but at the same time she pulls at my heartstrings because she’ll be calling out for me.

If your child prefers your husband over you then enjoy it while it lasts. My daughter is such a daddy’s girl and I admit I’ve been jealous and sometimes hurt by it but she’s starting to need and want me more and more. I absolutely love it but it always seems to happen when I have to make a phone call or after she’s in bed and I can finally sit down and take a breather. She’ll only want me to come into her room and get her tucked in 50 times in a row.

Super fast showers. I’ve learned to take really fast showers but even then it’s not fast enough for the hummingbird. There are times when I sneak into my husband’s bathroom while he’s taking a shower and I’ll grab his butt through the shower curtain. Little did I know that my daughter was processing that when she was younger.

So, when I’m in the shower she’ll run into my bathroom and grab my butt or she’ll sneak in and the next thing I know, she’ll rip open the shower curtain and I feel like it’s something out of the movie Psycho. Once I’m out of the shower and trying to dry my hair, she’ll start running circles around me and I have to make sure the blow dryer cord and her neck don’t meet.

Then she’ll sit on the floor and will start poking at the tattoo I have on my ankle and she always expects me to act surprised and make my tattoo dance. There I am drying my hair while doing the blow dryer cord dance and lifting my leg up while shaking it around just so my daughter won’t get bored and I can finish getting ready.

I should weigh twenty pounds by now.

Maisy and Penny are feeling the love…..

Is this love that I’m feeling

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Is this the love that I’ve been searching for

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Is this love or am I dreaming

~~~

This must be love ’cause it’s really got a hold on me

~~~

I don’t know if it’s just me but I always get depressed around my birthday. And it’s not that I feel a little sad because I’m a year older. It’s more like Holy Shit! I’m a year older!!!! Aggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!! I spent a good chunk of my birthday on Sunday in bed because my sinuses are being a pain in the ass. I see my new ENT doctor tomorrow morning and I expect nothing less than a morphine drip for the pain I’m in.

It would really lift my spirits if Mark Ruffalo and Ryan Gosling could help administer the morphine. Or one of them could just lay on the bed with me. What? I’m a married woman so I wouldn’t do that. Okay, yes, I totally would.

It’s Wednesday so that means I ramble on about what’s been going on the past week. Let’s get rolling…

Sick kitties - Our cat Maisy and our little kitten Penny are sick. Maisy’s on the mend but Penny has the worst of it and it’s breaking my heart. We took them to the vet and she told us they have an upper respiratory infection. With Penny, her eyes are watering and red rimmed. Both of them are sneezing like crazy.

The other night Maisy was laying on one side of the bed and Penny was on the other side and they were both sneezing. It sounded like it was in stereo.

Preschool Tour – Tomorrow afternoon we’re going on a preschool tour. I have mommy guilt for putting the little hummingbird in preschool a few days a week but I’m trying to convince myself that this will be really good for her and for me.

I also have some mommy guilt because I’m starting to get excited about it. Being a stay at home mom is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I’ve always needed some space and as much as I love the hummingbird, I rarely get any time to myself. I make her breakfast, clean up, get her snacks, clean up, make her lunch, clean up, listen to The Wheels on the Bus and If You’re Happy and You Know It over and over while doing silly dances with her around the house, do laundry, hope that she takes a nap or at least has some quiet time in her room, change diapers (although I’m trying to get her used to the big girl potty), watch crazy ass cartoons, try to keep up with her and so on, all while getting maybe just a few minutes to sit down. Zzzzzzzzz.

Depression and anxiety - While going to see my therapist once a week has been helping, my depression and anxiety have been kicking my ass again. My doctor upped both my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds but I’m not feeling much of a change yet. I think some of it has to do with this time of year. It’s not only the cold and shorter days but the people who I love who are no longer here.

And on that depressing note, here is a must see movie….

Children Of Men - This movie with Clive Owen and Michael Caine will rock your socks off. The director, Alfonso Cuarón, is brilliant. I’ve seen this movie countless times because the acting, plot, directing, and cinematography are amazing. There are also some long shots and the one towards the end blows me away, pun intented.

It’s the year 2027 and women can no longer get pregnant. A baby hasn’t been born for the past 18 years and the world is facing extinction. Clive Owen as Theo becomes a reluctant hero. Since I don’t want to add any spoilers, as Forrest Gump would say…. That’s all I have to say about that. The movie is really incredible and it sucked me in, in less than three minutes.

I love to shop but only when it’s from the comfort of my laptop. I can’t stand going to the grocery store or the mall.

It seems like when people go out shopping on the weekends, their douchey side comes blazing out. Exhibit A.

There’s also the matter of bringing the little hummingbird to the store. Yowza! At first she plays it cool but then halfway through the store, she’s over it. We take her out of the car cart that my husband always promises to push through the store but doesn’t and then he goes chasing after her up and down the aisles while I’m stuck pushing this ginormous thing.

Yep, there I am, alone, and pushing the damn thing all over the store like a loony. Excuse me… I look loonier than usual. It takes all I have to turn the cart around the aisles, trying not to kill anyone in my path.

It never fails that I’ll park the damn car cart out of the way where I think people won’t go and there’s always that one person that wants to grab something where that cart is put.

Then I tell them I’m so sorry and I’ll try to push and pull and move the cart but that’s when it decides it’s not going to move an inch and the wheels start scraping on the floor, making a horrendous noise. I can tell that the person waiting for me to move the cart starts getting annoyed since it’s taking me so long to move but do these people ever offer to help me move the cart that weighs more than I do? Nope.

Just when I get it moving along, my hubby seems to show up out of thin air.

Not long ago he put our 2-year-old back in the cart because she was really cranky and didn’t have her nap that day. He practically sprinted away, turning back and telling me he had to go get something that he forgot and there I was trying to push an out of control car cart with a pissed off toddler.

As our daughter was yelling out for her daaaaddy, I was thinking of ways to get him back. Withholding sex came to mind but we’ve been married for quite a while and he probably wouldn’t even notice.

That’s when I spotted it. Trial size bottles of Axe body spray. It stinks but more importantly it gives the man in your life a douche makeover, like Ed Hardy clothes. I grabbed a bottle and waited for my husband to come down the aisle so I could ambush him with it.

After what seemed like forever, I saw him walking towards us and I had the bottle behind my back, ready to spray him. As soon as he was close enough, I whipped the bottle from behind my back and sprayed him down. Well that was the desired scenario except I didn’t realize until it was too late that the spray nozel was pointed in my direction.

Adding insult to injury, he grabbed one of the travel sized bottles out of the plastic bin and sprayed me some more. There we were in aisle 8 having an Axe body spray standoff. Our daughter finally stopped whining and seemed to be pleading with her eyes for some stranger to get her away from her crazy parents.

We finally called a truce, walked to the check out lane, and there I was gagging the whole way. All that was missing was a trucker hat and my douche makeover would have been complete.

I blame this whole thing on those damn car carts. One of these days the earth is going to pass through a comet like in that 80′s movie Maximum Overdrive and these car carts are going to come to life and terrorize us more than they already do. Then we’re all going to get into Axe body spray fights so before that happens, I vote that we burn every last one of the car carts to save mankind from becoming a society where we all start wearing Ed Hardy clothes, trucker hats, and smell like douchebag body spray.

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