Melissa~Gobsmacked 2. 8/12/11

*Melissa, who wrote a guest post July 24th, is back and was a great sport when I had the idea to do a spoof celebrity interview instead of the guest blogger Q and A that I usually do.

I’ve read one too many celeb interviews where they try to come off as regular people but end up seeming even more out of touch with reality.

~~~

My editor at Barely Relevant magazine had some trouble getting this interview with Broadway actress and singer Melissa Glitter. She had to reschedule the interview the first time because of dehydration and exhaustion.

The next time we got a call from her agent, Sammy Slappy, saying that we had to reschedule for another time because Melissa had to get a 3rd surgery on her nose for a”deviated septum”.

This time it seems things were going as planned and we made our way to Melissa’s vacation home in the Guanacaste region of Costa Rica.

Melissa is a 3 time Tony award winner for The Walk Of Shame, You Damn Bastard, and the critically acclaimed My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard. You can hear Melissa singing the jingle, Every gift begins with Kay, in the jewelers current ad campaign.

She was the inspiration for the 2001 movie Glitter and while it wasn’t a hit in the States, it found an audience in Morocco which might have had something to do with them dubbing the dialogue from Titanic into the movie.

Ms. Glitter has her upcoming album, I’m Awesome And Will Totally Over Sing The Shit Out Of These Songs, coming out next month. So far reviews have been mixed. Jason Bahls from Let’s Disco Magazine has said “Not only does Ms. Glitter totally over sing the shit out of these songs, she sounds like an alley cat in heat combined with a pissed off goat.

Her love life has been anything but boring. This is a little known fact but she was married to Guy Ritchie for two years, before his marriage to Madonna. Melissa went on the rebound and after a weekend in Las Vegas and too much Peach Schnapps, she found herself married to Kevin Federline.

While she says they tried to make the marriage work, she filed for divorce 2 months later. She shocked several with her next two marriages since they were with men outside of the industry.

Her third marriage was to Albert Mojito who ironically was a bartender at Applebee’s. Unfortunately, the marriage only lasted 5 days. Melissa met husband number 4, David Dudd, at Disney Land while he was playing the role of Sneezy in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Mr. Dudd is currently trying to sell what he says is a racy video which includes him dressed as Snow White and Melissa allegedly dressed up as Kermit the Frog.

When I arrived at Ms. Glitter’s home in Costa Rica, her new boyfriend of 2 weeks, Marc Anthony, was laying in the buff by her pool. It’s the infamous pool that Melissa only allows to be filled with water flown in from Poland Spring, Maine and blessed by her agent, Sammy Slappy.

Melissa and I sat down to have a lovely chat in her armadillo room.

Barely Relevant Magazine: So, you’ve been with Marc Anthony for two weeks now and I just saw you on Letterman the other night and you were saying the two of you are talking about marriage already.

Do you have any qualms about marrying so soon after your 4 other marriages didn’t work out?

Michelle: Absolutely not. I’m so in love with Marc and I’ve never been this happy before. I see myself spending the rest of our lives together. I think it’ll be helpful that he already knows what it’s like to be married to someone more talented than he his.

BRM: I’ve recently seen photos of you while you were in Haiti. One showed you giving back by holding a hammer during the construction of a new school. I found that to be so brave as there was wet paint and you were wearing a to die for pair of Manolo Blahnik peep toe ankle boots. I also saw you in a photo giving a piece of gum to your assistant. I have to say, that was so touching to see.

What other photo ops, I mean efforts are you making to help those less fortunate than you?

Melissa: Well, I don’t like to brag about helping those in need but just this morning I was looking for my 7 For All Mankind skinny jeans and my maid was only able to find my True Religion jeans and had the audacity to tell me those will be fine.

I told her that they weren’t the same and I needed my 7 For All Mankind skinny jeans in the sunrise seranade wash and the other jeans weren’t the right color and would clash with my red Jimmy Choo shoes. Most people would have fired her on the spot but all I did was throw my Blackberry at her.

My maid saw it coming and ducked so it missed her but I think she’s learned her lesson and I feel tremendous pride in my effort to teach those less fortunate that you do not mess with my jeans that cost more than some make in a week.

BRM: What would you like people to know about you that they might not know already.

Melissa: I want people to know that I’m just like them. I’ve heard rumors that people think I’m a diva but really, what diva would sing at a benefit concert in the rain, refuse to go on stage until they received the sparkling mineral water that was requested beforehand, hold up the concert for over an hour until they got the correct sparkling water, and sue the promoters for refusing to pay me for all of the trouble. These are problems people face everyday and they would do the same thing.

~~~

Gobsmacked 2

by  Melissa

I am the working mother of two boys, whom I affectionately refer to as Elder Goober, 7, and Younger Goober, 4. I blogged about how Elder Goober sometimes leaves me gob smacked at what he is capable of. Recently, Younger Goober did it too.

Younger Goober is at that stage where he sees “bad guys” around every corner. Fortunately, he single-handedly has all of the powers usually spread among Ninjas, Power Rangers, Knights and Ben 10. At the same time, he still scared of the dark and being alone. Yes, I was the one that wrote to Target inquiring whether a line of bedtime tranquilizer guns—either for use on the pre-school set or their parents—was forthcoming.

As a result of his fears, the other day he required my assistance to go upstairs and get dressed. His room, though it was morning, was “dark,” and there was no one else upstairs and so he couldn’t possibly go there alone. To add insult to injury, he claimed he was so tired he couldn’t possibly ascend the stairs under his own power. I had to carry him.

Apparently, he had used up almost a full day’s supply of energy eating breakfast, brushing his teeth and fighting with Elder Goober and he hadn’t even gotten to school yet. I get it. While I didn’t want to carry him, I did have to appreciate his prioritization skills.

I weighed my options: I could lug 40 pounds of squirmy, boyhood up the stairs or yell at him to no avail for 10 minutes and then do it. I’m all about efficiency so I hefted him onto my hip and up we went.

I swear he gained about 5 pounds with each step we took. It didn’t help that his death grip on my neck was threatening my air flow. Fortunately, at about the third stair, he released his chokehold to pat me gently on the check.

“Don’t worry Mommy,” he reassured me, “I’ll always be here for you.”

“Great. Thanks,” I huffed, heart melting.

“If there are ever any bad guys, I’ll get them dead for you,” he explained as I staggered up the final two steps.

It was a good thing that we had reached the top of the stairs because once again I was gob smacked. His young mind was simultaneously able to hold two paradoxical concepts—that he is a budding superhero who will slay bad guys for his Mom and that he needs her help to go up stairs and get dressed—with no effort whatsoever.

I’d like to think he has a bright future ahead of him as a quantum physicist, but I suspect the elasticity of his mind is unique to those with one foot firmly in Little Boyhood and the other in Big Dudeworld.

Isn’t it fabulous?

~If you would like to write a guest post, whether you have a blog or not, email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

**I am very pleased to announce that Ryan Ann from Live, Laugh Love, Bake, who did a guest post in July, will be doing biweekly posts of baking recipes along with other cool things that she comes up with on the Rock the Oven page as well as contributing posts to This Is Mommyhood. Yay!

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