Michelle from No Ordinary Momma. 7/17/11

This guest post comes from Michelle who started her blog, No Ordinary Momma, back in May, has a facebook page, and types in lower case which is something I’ve thought of doing since hitting that damn shift button can be a pain in my ass. I guess if I stopped pressing the shift button with my ass, it wouldn’t be such a pain.

It may seem like I have some sort of obsession with asses since that’s what I’ve been mentioning in my posts lately but I don’t. No, really I swear I don’t. Or maybe I do but I’m not ready to accept that I have an ass obsession. Pretty soon I’ll be going by Assmaster Elle.

Anyway, enough of my crazy, let’s turn back to Michelle.

She is an advertising executive and just signed up for a photography class. There are plenty of adorable photos of her 8 month old son on her blog.

Michelle is also a mama to two dogs, one of which I have fallen in love with,Orlando. You can check Orlando hanging out with a t-rex and going down a slide (love that photo!). Other great posts; costco…i love you, i hate you, i love you, i hate you and meil and a spiel.

Q and A with Michelle.

Elle:  What is something you weren’t expecting after having a baby?

Michelle:  The yummy crushed ice that they have in the hospital!  It was perfect munching size.  Why did nobody tell me about this ice?  I’m tempted to have another baby just to take advantage of the unlimited refills.

Elle: What is one of your favorite non-mommy activities that you like to do?

Michelle: Because of my short attention span, I love doing anything that lasts 5 minutes or less…I’m not too picky about what that activity is.

Elle: If you could be stuck in an elevator with anyone (living or dead), who would it be?

Michelle:  Sandra B. Stafford, Owner and President of ERS (Elevator Repair Service)

Without further ado, here’s Michelle’s guest post…

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MASTERING THE BABY MANI/PEDI

edward scissorhands, i mean jayce, has talons that must be cut every other day.  the nurturer in me thought, “i hope his brain is growing as fast as his nails.”  i’m not an expert, but considering his favorite activity is sucking on my hair, i think it’s safe to assume that his brain is not growing very rapidly.

brandon refuses to cut jayce’s nails.  he also refused to breastfeed him.  fine!  i guess i’ll just do EVERYTHING.  jayce is 8 months old, so according to my calculations i’ve cut his nails about eleventy billion times.  all of this experience has made me a master at the baby mani/pedi.

i’ve heard the baby mani/pedi is stressful for a lot of parents, so i’d like to share my technique:

items needed:

  • a baby with long nails
  • something sharp (clippers work best)
  • a television with local cable channels

instructions:

  1. put the baby in front of the television
  2. turn on asian programming (you’ll find it easily within your local cable channels)
  3. focus on your baby (if you pay any attention to what’s happening on the television you will get sidetracked)
  4. begin clipping the nails (you have a 3-5 minute window)
  5. congratulations!  you’ve just given your baby a mani/pedi
this is the type of programming you should be looking for.

you may be thinking, “is michelle sniffing glue right now?”  no, i’m not, but that’s a fantastic idea and i’ll have to go do that once i’m done writing this.  trust me on this folks, it totally works.

why does it work?  because it totally mind-fucks with your kid.  everything in their little brain just freezes up.  they don’t know if they are happy, sad, hot or cold…they just freeze up and stay that way for about 3-5 minutes, plenty of time to do a baby mani/pedi.

jayce is none the wiser.
*If you would like to write a guest post, whether you have a blog or not, email me at assmaster elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.
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