Habby Thanksgibing: The Little Hummingbird’s View

Nataly Dawn – River (Joni Mitchell cover)

Hi everyone, it’s the little hummingbird here! Well, my mama has had a sinus infection for almost two weeks and is really congested so she’s been talking funny.

Or as she would say, talbin fubby.

Of course she normally talks funny anyway. “What’s in your mouth?” “Stop eating the coffee table!” “Don’t kill the cat!” All I hear is blah blah blah cat blah blah no.

She doesn’t want me to have any fun.

She’s been telling me about something called Thanksgibing and how a lot of people eat turbey or tofurbey.

I think that’s just a cruel joke because when I was in my mama’s tummy, I made sure she couldn’t stand the smell or be able to eat turbey and chibbin. She still can’t eat it and I don’t like it either but I can’t wait for pumbin pies.

As my mama would say, Habby Thanksgibing!! Bye-Bye’s everybody! Mwah!

Pomplamoose – Telephone

My mama thinks news reporter bloopers are funny and this is one of her favorites. She HATES snakes but still watches it over and over.

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When You Wish Upon A Star…And It’s Stuck…Up Where?!

*This is what happens when what part of my mind I had left was lost from spending time with my in-laws.

We are now on our way to spend the rest of the week with my family. Yay! Yesterday while at the in-laws, we were in the living room and my FIL and hubby were in a deep discussion about which is better, east coast or west coast rap.

 Just go with me on this.

 My MIL got up to grab a newspaper from 1992 that had a very compelling article, swaying people towards east coast rap.

When she was walking over to the newspaper stack, I saw something that shocked me. I finally realized why she has been so mean and insulting to me all of these years.

I can’t believe she’s never talked about this problem. I learned from Dr. Google that this has deeply affected many others over the years.

Most are too ashamed to talk about this but my wish is that they know they’re not alone.

You are not alone. There is help for Christmas stars stuck up someone's butt.

My MIL has been carrying this around for years and in one second of forgetting who she was, she unclenched and the star was finally free. The Christmas star was pretty shaken up and needed some time alone outside with a few glasses of wine.

Later that night, the star came to me and while he was fuzzy on the details, he thinks his incredibly daunting journey started around Thanksgiving 1970.

He said that before then, he had lost much of his family to this awful problem of “can’t take the stick out-itis”. Star told me that my MIL and her family were in such a rush to get the tree up and untangle the lights.

 He thought my MIL saw him lying on the couch and then everything went dark.

After using several handi-wipes and a bottle of disinfectant, he was starting to feel like his old self. I was able to take him to the neighbors who gladly welcomed him into their home. They even promised Star that he can sit on top of their tree for the rest of his days.

Sadly some aren’t as lucky and remain up the butts of many. The solution is simple, unclench. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to make much of a difference with my MIL.

Then again, a wooden post my in-laws had in their backyard has gone missing. Hmmm……

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Someone Please Send Vodka And Chocolate.

I’m here at my in-laws having a really oh my gawd help me great time. We’ve been having some boring and mind numbing fascinating conversations about turtles and mathematics seriously send vodka.

The way my father-in-law talks constantly and makes it impossible to join in the conversation, of course what in the hell can you possibly say when he goes on for 45 minutes about what kind of trees are in the backyard makes me want to give him a big hug.

 My mother-in-law has been perfect at being her horrible self and all judgy and my brother-in-law has been his normal douchebag self.

We’ve been here less than 24 hours and yet it seems like forever. We have two more days to go oh dear gawd, I need my secret stash of peppermint joe joe’s and I know we will have a blast but only if I can get my hands on some horse tranquilizers to get my FIL to zip it.

Sending my love and insanity and I hope I can survive the rest of my stay here everyone has a great weekend!

Me stuffing my face with peppermint joe joe cookies later tonight. Yes, I eat them naked and with one leg. Or maybe that's my body. I have two feet though. I must hop around. Walking would be difficult with one leg and two feet.

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Annie, In-Laws, And Airplanes, Oh My!

Annie – It’s A Hard Knock Life  *Nothing like watching adorable, acrobatic, ninja orphans to brighten your day* ;)

I was about 7 years old when the movie Annie came out and I’ve probably seen it a bazillion times since. I’ve also seen Mary Poppins and The Sound Of Music countless times and love it when I come across these movies on television. It always gives me such a cozy, safe feeling.

Something I would like to clear up is that when I was seven I would not pretend to be Annie while singing the songs. I also never danced around my bedroom singing songs from Annie while not pretending to be in the Broadway show. Aaand I never pretended to sign autographs for my many fans after I didn’t dance around my room not pretending to be Annie. So glad I set that straight.

One of the traditions in my family was watching Christmas Vacation on Thanksgiving night and it’s a tradition I’ve been carrying on. The hubby and I tried watching it once with my in-laws and it was torture. There were constant questions or comments like “How can that sled go down the hill so fast, that doesn’t seem possible” or “That couldn’t possibly happen in real life” Oy! Btw, what is the deal with Uncle Eddie?! Daaamn.

My hubby, daughter, and I leave for the dreaded trip to the in-laws tomorrow. We’ve never traveled with our little girl on a plane so that should be interesting. She currently loves taking her shirt off any chance she gets. I can just picture her on the plane running up and down the aisle, having a little girl gone wild moment.

I have been having major anxiety lately and last month I went to my doctor basically begging for a medication I’ve taken before. It really helps but my doctor said he doesn’t like to prescribe it and gave me some ancient med I’ve never heard of that was banned in the U.K. back in 2006. Major thumbs up, Mr. Dr. Man.

Since I’m terrified of flying, I’m having panic attacks, and stressed about my in-laws, I set up an appointment with the physician’s assistant at my Dr.’s office and he seemed more understanding. So yay, I got what I needed. I’ve been having a lot of sinus pain since last week and when the P.A. looked up my nose he said OHH! Not really something you want to hear from a medical professional.

He told me that my sinuses were bright red, there’s an infection, and put me on antibiotics. I also have a fever to go along with it and the left side of my face feels like it’s going to explode. There was a mix up at the pharmacy and I had to wait an extra day to get the antibiotics. It might not seem like a long wait but when your face is on fire, it feels like forever.

A few weeks ago I started reading Stephen King. I LOVE to read whenever I can and used to get in trouble for reading in class when I was in junior high and high school. Talk about ironic. I’ve seen a lot of the movies adapted from Stephen King books but never paid much attention to him.

My mom has been a HUGE fan of his for many years and so she’s bringing some of his books that I’ll be borrowing when I see her next week. I will be having a massive Stephen King book reading orgy in the, ahem, coming weeks.

One more fascinating thing from my life is I finally got my hair done Wednesday night. It’s been five months since I’ve gotten highlights and a haircut. My dark roots were almost as long as the blonde in my hair. Of course I’m a natural blonde so I don’t know how that’s even possible.

Whenever we move (we moved to N. Cali in July) I really dread finding a new hairdresser but the girl that did my hair was awesome and she took care of my mangled bangs. I end up thinking I can cut them myself, then I do with really awful results and tell myself I’ll never do it again. But then I’ll do it again.

Now it’s off to read Stephen King and watch Family Ties before I crash into bed. Happy Thursday lovelies!

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Thanksgiving Is Gonna Rock Me Like A Hurricane. A Hurricane That Is Insulting And Has No Tact. But A Hurricane Nonetheless. Part 2

Today I’m also a guest blogger at MammyWoo. It’s a post I did on Friday and Lexy was gracious enough to put it on her blog. I adore Lexy and she’s been so sweet to me. She’s a wonderful, funny, and very honest writer who also happens to be a mum to her precious son, Addison. I can’t say enough great things about her and love her to bits. Her blog is a must read so make sure you check it out.

*Continuing with my series about my in-laws, I delve into the not so fascinating world of their not in a good way weirdness. I’m saying this in my best ‘guy who hosts the Actor’s Studio’ impression, James Lipton.

In my last post I established that my in-laws can’t say words correctly, they’re delusional to the point of my FIL mistaking a homeless woman for an overzealous shopper, and my MIL is an animal hoarder. Wow, why didn’t I just say that in Part 1? I could have avoided using so many words. ;)

Don’t Speak. My FIL makes it almost impossible to talk or add anything to a conversation. One time we had gone out somewhere for lunch and he noticed that there was construction on a new building. At dinner he spent the WHOLE time talking about how this particular building’s air conditioning system could be designed. Seriously. All I could do was sit there quietly humming to myself and rock back and forth.

Actually I just sat there in a catatonic state. These are the only kinds of things he talks about and it makes it very difficult to have a normal conversation. Satellite Imaging. Check. When the first railroad was built and how. Check. How one could design a better NASA space shuttle. Check. My husband has a degree in engineering so he loves talking about this stuff but mostly it’s just my FIL yapping away.

I always freak out a little because these aren’t the types of conversation my hubs and I have on a regular basis. It’s more along the lines of the cat puked in four different places upstairs, what celebrity couple broke up, cheated, or got engaged this week, and our daughter’s poop. I don’t mind my hubby talking to his dad about environmentally green toilets. But when that kind of discussion goes on for 45 minutes, I just want to jump out of the window or bang my head against a spike.

Then there’s my MIL. When we’ve talked on the phone we’ll be all girly. But once I’m around her, she tries to talk about what my hubby and the FIL are talking about. She was visiting last March right after I had abdominal surgery to repair the damage that was done with my emergency cesarean. Apparently the doctors used a rusty butter knife to cut me open because it resulted in five very painful hernia’s.

The recovery took a lot longer than my c-section recovery so we had no choice but to ask her to come help when my hubby went back to work a week later. While she was visiting there was one time that the movie Spiderman was on. There is a scene when Mary Jane is falling off of a balcony and Spiderman comes to her rescue.

My MIL asked how in the world can Spiderman catch up to Mary Jane when she was already falling before he came to her rescue. She also added “It just doesn’t seem realistic” which is what she ends up saying throughout every movie I’ve seen with her. I just laughed and said “because he’s Spiderman and it’s just a movie”. Then my hubby and MIL started talking about the physics of it and how it might be possible in real life. *Facepalm*

Which brings me to: never, ever watch a movie with my in-laws since they will suck all the enjoyment out of it. Something else my MIL does is makes me not want to say a single word. I can say something directed at my husband but she makes it into a HUGE deal. When I was almost 9 months pregnant my in-laws were visiting and I had just dropped my bum into a reclining chair. I wasn’t going to be moving out of it any time soon.

When my husband got up from the couch I asked him if he could bring me the phone. I thought it was a very simple request. My MIL thought otherwise. She told me “Your perfectly capable of getting the phone so why don’t you just get it yourself. You don’t need your husband to do everything for you”. Then I threw her off the balcony and Spiderman wasn’t there to save her. The End.

She does this to me constantly and I just don’t feel it’s her place. My hubby and I ask each other things like this all the time and I think it’s perfectly normal. Then my MIL will always stick her nose into these things. Because of this, I try to keep my mouth shut most of the time when I’m around my in-laws. There’s someone who can make that difficult and it’s my brother-in-law.

Douche Du Jour. Thankfully my brother-in-law is married to my hubby’s sister. He isn’t my husband’s brother or I would’ve really had to re-think marrying my husband. Both him and my sister-in-law have Ph.D’s but my BIL uses his knowledge as a weapon and is very antagonizing. When we visit the in-laws, my BIL is always such a douche.

One time while having dinner, my FIL was talking about some complicated mathematical problem. So yeah, I stayed quiet. When I was in the kitchen alone, my BIL walked in. I was thinking here’s our chance to talk and get to know each other better. But Noooo.

He started laying into me about how I wouldn’t be so bored and useless if I actually contributed to the conversation. That pretty much sums up his douchebag self. Then I ran him over with my car because we all know that Spiderman doesn’t care about douchebags.

So these are the people I will be dealing with from Friday-Monday. Help!

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Thanksgiving Is Gonna Rock Me Like A Hurricane. A Hurricane That Is Insulting And Has No Tact. But A Hurricane Nonetheless. Part 1

*This will be a two parter since try as I might, I just can’t cut down on my rambling. I will have part 2 up tomorrow. This totally isn’t a way to get you to come back and read my blog……ahem. ;) It *might*also have to do with the fact that there’s a Stephen King book calling my name.

I was expecting to write more about my MIL on my blog but after a post I did back in August, I decided to keep quiet. While I was on twitter, someone was saying how awful it was when people say mean things about their in-laws and that they’re parents like the rest of us. This wasn’t directed at me but it had me thinking maybe I’m being too harsh. I’ve over it now so beware.

We will be visiting my in-laws for four days starting this Friday. At first I thought “hell, no!” and as I’m writing this, I’m breaking out into fits of nervous laughter and expecting to see padded walls and men in white coats pretty soon. I guess that would be a good thing because then I wouldn’t have to see the in-laws.

Think of this post as a tutorial on why my twitter updates will read “Help!” and any posts I might possibly have during my stay with them won’t make any sense whatsoever, not that my writing ever does.

*sidenote. After seeing the in-laws, we’re going to see my family for the rest of the week. This is a very good thing but my younger sister can be unpredictable and likes to push my buttons.  *sigh*

Since I love to ramble, just ask The Momsmith, I decided to tell you just a few of the “highlights” I’ve had with my in-laws over the years. Otherwise this might turn into a novella. The thing about my MIL is that she can be downright mean but what she does can also be pretty damn funny in an omg she’s mental way.

I’m going to keep the mean things out of it because my mom reads my blog and if she reads the really mean things, she might drive down on Thanksgiving to where my MIL lives and beat her ass and then I would have to stop her and a car chase would ensue. That would be awesome but I really want green bean casserole.

Words. My FIL has a master’s in mathematics and my MIL has an associate degree but they ALWAYS mess up words. Personally I don’t think your smarts depend on a college degree, just look at Good Will Hunting and Tess from Working Girl, and I’ve learned that being book smart can also lead to a total lack of common sense. This of course is just what I’ve seen from the in-laws and brother-in-law, who I will get to later.

My hubby was wearing a Tour De Athens shirt (we lived in Athens, GA years ago when the hubs was going to Officer Candidate School) and my FIL couldn’t pronounce it. He didn’t even know what Tour De France was. To give him some credit I don’t pay attention to it but I know it exists. Really though, when it comes to Tour De France all I can think about is sweaty, smelly balls and who wants that.

So my in-laws were out for a visit and the hubby had on his shirt. We went out for breakfast and my FIL was trying to read the hubs shirt. After sounding it out, he kept on calling it Turd-y Athens. I didn’t correct him but said it the right way in conversation. Didn’t matter. He kept on saying Turd-y Athens and continued to talk about it all through breakfast. I think I got orange juice up my nose from trying to stifle my laughter so many times.

My mom and I think their lack of saying words properly is hilarious and have talked about it many times. It always reminds us of the bundt cake scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Bun Bun Bun Bund-tttt.

Turtles. My MIL has over 100 turtles. Yes, really. She has these wooden pens in the backyard where she keeps most of them but also has them in her house. Animal hoarder much? She names each one and writes their stats in some turtle book along with a picture. She actually takes really good care of them but they take up ALL of her time.

When my hubby and I first started dating, he told me about his parents oddities. One thing I found really phucking sad was that his mother takes better care and gives more love to her damn turtles than her own kids. My hubs told me that when he was younger, my MIL would buy meat and would give the top-notch stuff to her turtles and would use the gnarly, cheap meat for her family.

My MIL has had this signature on her email forever: “Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened.” I absolutely love animals but my daughter trumps my cat, no question. Just a few weeks ago my hubby emailed his mom and pointed it out saying something along the lines of  “Shouldn’t it be until one has a child or becomes a parent”. The MIL responded by saying “you are so right”. But really I think this says so much about her and just makes me feel sad for my husband.

Delusional.  Not only do my in-laws see things through rose-colored glasses, they see the world through rose-colored glasses dipped in LSD with a sunshine suppository up their arse.  Case in point. They came to visit us two Thanksgiving’s ago when I was pregnant with my daughter. Oh the stories I could tell with that visit alone.

It was the day after Thanksgiving and my MIL insisted we go to a baby store to check out furniture. The hubby and I already knew what we wanted but there was no avoiding going to this place. At the time, we were living in the D.C. area and lived across the street from a mall.

While waiting at a stoplight on the way to this baby store, we were seeing shoppers coming out of the mall. Then my FIL spotted a woman pushing a shopping cart. I’m paraphrasing here but he said “Look at that woman. She bought so much that she couldn’t carry it all and had to get a cart”.

My hubs was like “Uh, she’s a homeless woman”. The FIL got all worked up and insisted that this woman just bought too many things and was not homeless. Um yeah, so as you can see, they live in la la land. I don’t think it’s bad to see the good side of things but it’s so frustrating because they just don’t live in the real world.

I’m taking this from a post I wrote about them in August and I think it really sums up their delusion. “If someone stabbed you, set you on fire, and then you had a dog come along and piss on you while you were being burned alive, my in-laws would find a bright side to it”.

Stay tuned…..

Do you have any in-law issues? If so, I’d love to hear it. :)

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Mark My Words, I’m Looking Down On Ruffalo.

*This is what happens when it’s daylight savings time, my daughter starts waking up at 4 am, and I’m sleep-deprived. Your welcome. ;)

I’m a stay at home mom who spends most days on the run.

Turn on the television, flip through the channels, and there I see your bum….I mean face.

Those gorgeous brown eyes, your thick, dark hair.

Did I just see your butt again?

Wait, I don’t care.

I’m a married woman Mr. Ruffalo, stop teasing me like that.

XX/XY was when I got my crush.

But……watching My Life Without Me had me in a rush.

To see everything you’ve been in so I could memorize your firm, strong…..arms.

Didn’t see The Last Castle but I’m sure The View From The Top was lovely.

13 Going On 30? Not anymore. But looking at you makes me all cuddly.

For my husband. Not your bum…..I mean face!

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