The top places my toddler loves to wipe her runny nose. This list is brought to you by the letter C for codeine.

 

The hummingbird and I are sick again and since I like to rock out with my sock out, I thought it would be awesome to get a double ear infection instead of just the one I had in my left ear and top it off with a raging sinus infection, ’cause that’s how I roll, yo.

Needless to say, there’s a lot of sleepless nights and toddler snot. Lots o’ toddler snot. When she first got sick I was covered in it but not as much now. Seeing as how I’m still scrubbing off the layers of my hummingbird’s runny nose, here are the top places she loves to wipe it.

I’m sure you’ll be thanking me for this nasty list and I hope you’re not hungry. At least you won’t be after reading this.

See, this is what happens as far as writing goes when you feel like you’ve been sick forever AND you’re shooting back some codeine.

Lets get this party started.

The couch – It took me 9 months to pick out our couch. Part of it was when I was in my third trimester so you can imagine how thrilled my husband was when he had to take his very pregnant and psycho hormonal wife couch shopping.

I didn’t lay my eyes on *the one* until after we had the little hummingbird. That was back when it didn’t even cross my mind that toddler snot would be almost as important as obsessing over my daughter’s poop. Over 2 years later, no matter how much I scrub, our once nice red couch has white spots all over.

It looks like my hubby and I are constantly having sex on it and in every which way. On the arm of the couch, the pillows, the top of the couch, and down at the bottom which would make for a very uncomfortable sexual position. So to whoever visits us, the couch isn’t covered in “wet spots”, it’s toddler snot. Hmmm….I’m not sure which is worse.

The cats – Our cat Maisy gets it worse than our little kitten Penny and there have been several times when I’ve caught the little hummingbird nose diving into Maisy and wiping her nose across the side of her. She’ll also go in for a kiss on top of the cat’s head and smear it in between her ears. Maisy’s always a trooper and just lets her wipe away.

My pillow – This is usually the first place my little girl will snot up when she’s getting sick. It’s normally in the middle of the night and I’m about to drop dead so I’ll bring her into our room and try to get her back to sleep. I always think I’ll be able to cuddle up with her but after a few minutes she thinks it’s time to party.

I’ll turn on Little Bear and as she starts to settle down, she’ll swiiiiiiipe her runny nose all over my pillow. I’m usually too tired to care so once we finally get her back in her own bed, I just flip my pillow over and drop dead from exhaustion.

Me – I’m partial to wearing v-neck tees which gives the hummingbird the perfect little space to coat me in her snot. I also get it in my hair and on my legs. My hands usually get coated in it because if there isn’t a tissue handy and since my shirt doesn’t have a dry space, I’ll just let her wipe her nose on my hand. The hummingbird might be a daddy’s girl but I’ve never seen my hubby have snot coated hands so hmmpphh.

String cheese – Okay, I have to admit I found this pretty impressive and creative. I know you should try to avoid dairy when you’re sick and congested but she was eating very little and since it’s in her DNA, she loves cheese so I gave her some string cheese.

We were still in the kitchen and as she started to gobble up the cheese, her nose was like a faucet. I went to get a tissue and as I was walking back, she took her string cheese and used that as a tissue instead. I now know what it’s like to dry heave, laugh my ass off, and pee myself at the same time.

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Wineconed Wednesday

It’s that time of week again….Wineconed Wednesday! If someone or something is making you pull your hair out, Winecone them. If your feeling the love then give them a Smackaroo. Go on over to A Nervous Tic Motion and leave your Winecones and Smackaroos in the comment section. Or you can stick around and leave them here in the comments.

 

My Winecones of the week are that I’m sick again, drivers who ride your ass, and the ones who won’t let you merge onto the freeway. We stayed home for Thanksgiving and because of that, I don’t have many Winecones to throw.

I’m throwing out Smackaroos to my daughter who can drive me crazy but she’s the love of my life. I’m also sending a long distance Smackaroo to my mom who I miss dearly. Mwah!

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Guest post: What I’ve learned in the past 4 years of being a mom.

 

This guest post comes from Christina who doesn’t have her own blog but you’ll be thinking she should after reading this. She has 3 boys; 4 years, 2 years, and 3 months old. You know what? She should be a contributing writer for the group website, A Nervous Tic Motion, so she can write whenever she wants. No pressure at all Christina. heh.

 

Q and A with Christina

Elle: If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

Christina: E. I have a newborn so I already am a zombie of sorts. As for weapons to fight said zombies?  I would fight the real zombies with soap and water.  That is what scares my little monsters and has them running away from me every time 🙂 

Elle: Favorite guilty pleasure?

Christina: I’m embarrassed to actually put words to my addiction but I really have a thing for terrible reality t.v  such as Keeping Up with The Kardashians and 19 Kids and Counting.  I’m secretly fascinated by all those Duggar kids. (You’re not really printing this are you?!?)  LOL.

~Elle’s note…Don’t worry Christina, I have a strange fascination with the Duggars and DVR the show.

 

Elle: What kids cartoon or character makes you want to bang your head against a spike?

Christina: Caillou.  I think he’s a total brat and I want to know why he has no hair when everyone else in the show does.  Also Yo Gabba Gabba…..            

I want to be your Sister Wife after that answer! ~ Elle

                                      

A friend sent me an email that a lady with her first baby (8 months old) wrote and it was all about things she’s learned these past 8 months so it got me thinking about what I’ve learned in the last 4 years. What do you all think? True for you?

1. Your whole world will revolve around poop….for many years. Who has pooped? Who hasn’t pooped? Who’s poop is on the floor? Even your grown up conversations with your husband will involve poop talk or other bathroom humor.

2. You will swear you will never be THAT mom who feeds her kids McDonald’s (just like you vow you will never let your kid play in those germ infested nasty play places inside said McDonald’s) but, you will. You may start out making your own organic baby food purée and using Whole Foods brand shampoo so your kid doesn’t suffer the neurotoxicity and reproductive failure that good ole Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo causes. And you’ll sign your baby up for Mandarin lessons at 6 months old (even though all they can do is drool and smile) but soon…..very soon, you too will be chucking chicken nuggets to the kid in the way back of the mini van and bribing them with Diet Coke just to get them to use the potty (see #1 above)

3. The terrible twos are nothing to be scared of. It’s the F’ing fours that nobody has the heart to tell you about. It’s not because they hate you that they don’t tell you about the sassy, back talking four year old who repeats every bad thing you don’t want him to……it’s because, well, they love you and don’t want to scare you.

4. When people see 3 kids they feel the need to say “Oh! You’ve got your hands full” and it will annoy you to no end.

5. If you weren’t good at building things with Legos as a kid; you’ll still suck at it as an adult

6. You will never realize how little you know about the world and how things work until you have a two year old asking you to explain everything to them.

7. Toddlers LOVE band-aids. I mean, they freaking LoVe them. I don’t know if its the attention they get from people asking “what happened?” or what. But kids effing love band-aids.

8. You may say you will never let your kid wear Disney character shirts from Walmart, but you will. Wanna know why? Because toddlers are a pain in the ass to get dressed. Especially when they’re 3 and have opinions about EVERYTHING. If having a hideous, brown, $3 TowMater shirt makes getting dressed happen quicker, then you’ll be all.about.it.

9. Kids can actually grow and thrive eating nothing more than frozen Dino nuggets and fish sticks. For real peeps.

10. Kids won’t tell you when they’re shoes are too small. I have gone months without thinking about getting a kid’s foot measured, only to find out they’re wearing shoes two sizes too small and they never complained once. That may be the only thing they don’t complain about. Oh, and you will feel like the worst mother ever when the chick at Stride Rite tells you that you’ve been stuffing your poor baby’s foot into a too small shoe.

11. You will never be able to go to the restroom alone. Ever.

12. Minivans rock. I mean seriously, they are the freaking best invention ever. Everyone will say how uncool they are and they will mock you mercilessly…….but then they will all ask for the “tour” and they will “ooh and ahh” at the automatic doors

13. No matter how smart you are or what fab college you went to: it will still take you for.effing.ever to install car seats. (no matter how many times you’ve done it before)

14. Kids do not like Santa. They don’t want to sit on his lap or get their picture taken, he scares the crap outta them. He’s okay as long as he stays in the North Pole and brings them stuff. But as a parent you will still put your kid in an uncomfortable sweater vest and thrust them into the arms of a felt clad, strange old man and pay big bucks to capture the memory of your kid screaming his ever loving ass off in the arms of Jolly old St.Nick.

15. Toddlers will not tell you when they’re going to throw up. They can actually be telling you how hungry or thirsty they are while barfing midway through the sentence. And it will not be any less disgusting because they’re your sweet, precious babies. It will always be gross. Every time. No matter what.

16. The battery people and the toy manufacturers are in kahoots together. As are the Goldfish and Apple Juice folks.

17. You might weigh the same as you did before kids but none of your old clothes will fit you. Its like your whole body gets rearranged somehow.

18. The amount of laundry when you have kids is unimaginable. I mean, seriously unimaginable. If you hated doing laundry before kids: buckle up! It’s going to be a rough ride!

19. You will spend the first two years of your baby’s life trying to get him to walk and talk and the next 15 years trying to get him to sit down and shut up.

20. You will spend hours trying to get a kid down for a nap or to sleep for the night and once they’re asleep, you’ll stare and them and be so overwhelmed with their sweetness that all you’ll want to do is wake them up.

21. You will be so tired that you will *think* you hear a kid crying even when there isn’t a kid in the house…and even though you know that, you’ll still go and check.

22. The words to Dora the Explorer and Bubble Guppies will become the background music in your dreams. Really.

23. Even when your kids aren’t in the car with you, you will find yourself squealing with delight when a fire truck goes by!

24. You can never own too many Hotwheels cars.

25. You will be shocked and mortified when your 4 year old calls you a “Lunatic” (but you will laugh to yourself later about your kid’s comedic timing)

26. Children are painfully honest. When they cry and scream at you to stop singing in the car, it’s not because they’re fussy or tired. It’s because you have a terrible singing voice. (sad but true)

27. Nothing, and I mean nothing will be sweeter to your ears than hearing your kids help each other or proclaim their love to you.

28. Sometimes kids call things by the wrong name and even though its inappropriate, you’ll let them go on calling it the wrong thing. My son, for example calls tow trucks “hookers” and I don’t correct him because, well, its pretty hilarious to hear him talk about “how fun Hookers are to play with.”

29. Be prepared to watch the same movie 200,000,000 times.

30. Your college degree will not prepare you for your new ‘waitress gig’ (otherwise known as Motherhood)

31. Other Mommies will judge the heck out of you. For everything. Haters gonna hate

32. If you’re going to have kids, you need a smart phone. Period.

33. People lose their minds when they see a cute baby. Perhaps that is why total strangers feel the need to touch your newborn on the hands or mouth after sneezing into their own hands.

34. If you were an OCD germ phobe before kids, it will only get exponentially worse. (see #33)

35. No matter how lame you thought it was before: a bunch of siblings in matching clothes is freaking adorable. Nuff said.

36. You will be proud of your snarky two year old when he says “Excuse you!” to the lady who almost mows him down with her shopping cart.

37. T.V is a great babysitter. If you disagree, its only because you have a real life babysitter to occupy your kids while you shower, prepare meals etc.

38. At the end of the day, you will not want to trade one sleepless night, puked on shirt, dirty diaper, sassy remark, temper tantrum throwing minute to be lucky enough to be your kids Mama.

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Dexter wrap up review: Get Gellar

 

My hubby and I are huge fans of the show Dexter and although I planned on doing this at the beginning of this new season, I’m a procrastinator so I’m starting this on the 9th episode out of 12.

Better late than never?

My wrap up review of Dexter probably won’t be the wordy type of review despite me being so wordy when it comes to everything else I write. I’m actually writing this part beforehand so as soon as I watch it, I can just write down what stuck out in my mind afterwards. And I have a notepad.

The little hummingbird is battling bedtime tonight so this isn’t getting off to a good start.

Just a word of warning, there might be some profanity because I’m going to write down whatever pops into my brain when I watch it. Also, if you watch the show and haven’t seen this episode yet, there might be spoilers.

Dexter: Get Gellar

 The Opening.

Every time I see that blood orange, it makes me want one. They are awesome.

Okay, Dexter shaves but when he walks out of his apartment, he has a 5 o’ clock shadow. I’m thinking he’s related to Teen Wolf.

Show starts.

Oooh, Dexter is in his Henley shirt and black gloves. I would so hit that.

When I see Tom Hanks son, I expect him to break out in his dad’s “Big” piano routine.

I want Dex’s laptop.

It has to be awkward whenever Dex and Deb had to be in scenes together since they we’re going through a divorce in real life.

Quinn…Yeah, baby! If you haven’t seen him in the movie The Hole, check it out. And no, it’s not some porno.

Masuka kicks ass. “When it comes to matters of the heart, always follow your d*ck.” Such poetry.

Hilarious! Whoops, Quinn. “Oh my gawd, we took pictures”

Throwdown with Quinn and Batista.

“He’s kind of a self-important asshole and I like him.” ~ Dexter

Dexter’s rolling out the plastic. Awesome!

Whenever I see Edward James Olmos, who I think is bad ass, the Miami Vice theme song runs through my head. That and Selenaaaa! Love that movie and have watched it about a billion times.

Ewwww, Rip Casey. No! Don’t open up his stomach!

Holy Shit. Bloodbath, literally.

I love waking up to a severed hand in the bathroom sink in the morning.

“I don’t want a chair, I want a table.” ~ Deb

Selenaaaa!

Watch out, Dexter!

Don’t go down there, Dex.

Wth? Can’t you hear me through the television?

What The F*ck?!!!!! Oh My Gawd!!!!! I didn’t see that coming.

                       

So, what did we learn on this episode of Dexter? I have no effing clue because I can’t get over the ending. Holy hell in a hot pocket!

The End.

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iLoveSchools

*I decided to add this as a separate post so I can link back to it in future posts.

One of my favorite places to donate is iLoveSchools.  I’m in no way being paid or being threatened by Zombies to promote iLoveSchools. I just want every child to have a chance to get an education, and possibly fall in love with reading, writing, and art like I did when I was younger, as well as having the proper school supplies.

To this day I love to write, if I don’t read, I feel like you might as well cut my right arm off which would be holding my kindle, and I am a total Art History dork.

After looking through several programs, I found this teacher in need of art supplies and this librarian in need of books and it depends on you. Mrs. Haystead needs a total of $87.21 for supplies and librarian Mrs. Warren needs a total of $56.21 for books.

These are just a few of the things they need for their students.

 

 For every comment mentioning teacher Mrs. Haystead or librarian Mrs. Warren, the more creative the better…perhaps a haiku =), I’ll donate $1.00 and if you mention both, they each get that amount and it will go up until they receive the amount that they need.

That means Mrs. Haystead needs approximately 87 comments mentioning her and Mrs. Warren needs 56.

Whew! Please spread the word since I would love to help these teachers….and you don’t have to pay a dime. :^)

So, get those comments coming in! You have until December 15th to leave comments mentioning them on any post. I’d like to donate to them by then so they can have an even happier holiday.

Here’s some music to listen to while you’re leaving those comments.

Pomplamoose – River Shiver

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TRW: It’s the most wonderful time of the year to stay inside your house because people will cut you for a parking space at the mall.

**Help a teacher and a librarian in need of supplies for their students. All it takes is a comment and I’ll do the rest. Go here for more info.

                   

It’s that time again, Total Recall Weekend. For those that don’t know, you can link up a post, whether you wrote it a year ago or a week ago. I’m not expecting any link ups since I’m sure people are still being tortured wrapped in love by in-laws or family members.

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving and if not, you can tell me all about it by emailing me and I can put it in a post. My hubby put up the Christmas lights yesterday and I was kind of surprised since we don’t start getting into the Christmas season until at least December 1st.

I know last year it wasn’t until 2 weeks before Christmas and then our tree ended up staying there until the end of January. Whenever that happens, I always think of that movie Garden State with Zach Braff and Natalie Portman….

Andrew: You guys are a little early on the tree though.

Sam: Yeah, we never got around to taking it down. When it got to be fall again…we figured, “Just leave it up.”

                                       

It’s the most wonderful time of the year to stay inside your house because people will cut you for a parking space at the mall.

December 15, 2010

It’s that time of year to cozy up on the couch while making my husband watch holiday movies, drink hot cocoa with Bailey’s, and eat yummy shortbread cookies.

The time of year when my husband hangs Christmas lights up on the house using a very questionable wooden ladder, a la’ Clark Griswold, that we got after one of our many moves. The moving guys didn’t want to bother finding the rightful owner so they just gave it to us.

Someone must have a hit out on my hubby since it’s the ladder from the depths of hell. Aaand despite it being shady and very wobbly with screws hanging out of it that aren’t attached to the steps of the ladder like they should be, he uses it anyway with a bum foot that he broke 4 years ago that still gives him problems.

It’s also the time of year when I’m especially thankful to shop online, from the safety of my own home, instead of buying gifts in shops that Christmas zombies inhabit. They are out for blood and will eat you alive for a scarf that’s on sale.

Recently, my hubby went to get us lunch at Chipotle and the closest one to our house is at the mall. He was gone for over an hour and when he came back home, he was looking pretty traumatized.

I asked him what was wrong, not even thinking about the shopping apocalypse, and he said “You sent me to. the. mall. Everyone is out Christmas shopping. There are crazzzy people out there”. My bad.

I know the holiday season is for giving but I would rather not receive what people are doling out. During the holiday, people give you the finger and play bumper death cars for a parking spot.

Then you have to deal with the chaos inside the store. People give you a hard time while ramming you with their carts and they stand in the middle of the freaking aisle so you can’t pass.

You’re given the crowds and you’re also given the person who lets one rip in the middle of the crowds. Since you have nowhere to go, you’re stuck smelling the smells of the season. Fa La La La La.

All of that giving leaves my heart all warm and fuzzy.

Pomplamoose – Deck The Halls

                             

One of my favorite places to donate is iLoveSchools.  I’m in no way being paid or being threatened by zombies to promote iLoveSchools. I just want every child to have a chance to get an education, and possibly fall in love with reading, writing, and art like I did when I was younger, as well as having the proper school supplies.

After looking through several programs, I found this teacher in need of art supplies and this librarian in need of books and it depends on you. Mrs. Haystead needs a total of $87.21 for supplies and librarian Mrs. Warren needs a total of 56.21 for books.

For every comment mentioning teacher Mrs. Haystead or librarian Mrs. Warren, I’ll donate $1.00 and if you mention both, they each get that amount.

So, get those comments coming in! You have until December 15th to leave comments mentioning them on any post. I’d like to donate to them by then so they can have an even happier holiday.

And don’t worry, I’ll be mentioning this again and again…… =)

                                      

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Do you ever have déjà vu, Mrs. Lancaster? I don’t think so, but I could check with the kitchen.

* Make sure to go on over to our group website, A Nervous Tic Motion, because today is Wineconed Wednesday which means you can vent about what’s been annoying you recently. You can also give out smackaroos to the people in your life that are awesome.

If the title of this post sounds familiar it’s because it’s from the most awesomest movie Groundhog Day. That quote still makes me laugh after all these years. It’s very fitting because this time last year I had a raging sinus infection and felt like hell while the little hummingbird had a bad cold. This year she has a double ear infection and I’ll take what she’s having I have an ear infection in my left ear but now my right ear is feeling funky too so woo hoo.

This year for Thanksgiving it’s just going to be the three of us at home and to be honest that’s fine by me. The only other person I would want here is my mom but *sniff* she won’t be able to visit for awhile. It’s not like she’s in prison or anything. She just won’t have the time with work and school.

I’m the type of person that would rather stay home for the holidays anyway and not because I can’t stand my family…..well, I like most of them….but it’s the traveling that’s such a pain in the ass, especially now that we have a toddler.

There’s all of that packing and dealing with airports. There’s the rental car that’s a must because the worst thing is being dependant on a family member to drive you around and it seems like the one that’s available to do that is the last one that wants to leave whatever family thing you’re doing and all you want to do is get back to your hotel room.

The most tortured thing of all is you usually end up stuck in a never ending awkward moment with a relative and have no idea what to talk to them about when all you really want to do is catch up on the three episodes of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that’s just waiting for you back home on your DVR.

For the past few weeks I’ve been trying to convince my husband to skip the turkey and just have a pizza and beer feast. When I was pregnant with the hummingbird, I developed a poultry aversion and although I can finally eat chicken every now and then, the thought of my house smelling like turkey makes me gag.

Before I had the poultry aversion my favorite thing about Thanksgiving was the yummy turkey sandwiches that my family would have later on. My hubby isn’t on board with the pizza idea so we’ll make something besides turkey. We’ll, it’s more like he’ll make something else since I don’t cook but I do rock the shit out of the microwave.

A must is watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation on Thanksgiving night. My family would watch it every year and now it’s become a tradition for me and my hubby.

I’ll zip it for now and I hope everyone has a great holiday or at least survives it. Remember, vodka is your friend. If you’ve locked yourself in a room to get away from your family and don’t have anything to do, you can go here, here, here, here, and here to read about my Thanksgiving last year when we went to visit my in-laws.

I played this video in my Thanksgiving post last year and since it’s déjà vu, here it is again.

Nataly Dawn – River (Joni Mitchell cover)

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