Taking a picture of my 2 year old is as difficult as keeping my sanity when my mother-in-law visits.

Recently, I dressed my daughter in jeans and a cute top that she picked out herself from the store. When I say “picked out” I mean it’s the first shirt she grabbed good thing it wasn’t the fuzzy lingerie with hearts that she tried to rip off the clothing rack but because of my awesome shopping cart skills, she couldn’t reach it in time.

I was amazed at how grown-up she looked excuse me while I cry and wanted to get a picture. The problem? She rarely stays still and this day was no exception.

The little hummingbird was playing in her room and we got her to sit down so we could take a photo but she was up and running within a few seconds.

One of our laundry baskets wanted to steal the spotlight from the hummingbird so it popped up in several of the photos. This laundry basket is really fame hungry so you can only imagine the ego it has. All it does is hold our dirty clothes but it demands that we call it a wardrobe assistant. And the basket insists that it’s natural even though it’s so obvious that it’s been pumped full of plastic.

Aaand she's off...

Cool, a sock puppet!

Fine, I'll stand still for just a second.

Umm...

Can I get a little help here?

At least the cat wasn't in her bed this time around.

Close-up!

Total fashion statement.

But the sock puppet really adds something.

Forget the sock puppet. This tutu brings the outfit together.

Afterwards, my hubby took her to the playground and even that didn’t wear her out. I’m convinced the hummingbird steals our energy from us while we’re sleeping.

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The mind is boggled. More like boobled.

It’s really late and I’m up with insomnia because I’m stressing about everything. Yay anxiety!

I came across an advertisement in a magazine I was reading and just had to look it up on the internet because I thought I was being punk’d.

Behold, the Bosom Max:

There are no words and yet I can think of plenty, just not at this hour.

What really makes me want to go out and buy one not really, my boobs are considered a safety hazard as it is are the vibration effects. As Beavis & Butthead would say: These effects aren’t very special.

So thank you Bosom Max makers for giving me a few minutes to escape my anxiety and look at your product while thinking wtf?

~~~

I just came across this testimonial:

“My appearance is very important in my professional life, and my breasts left a lot to be desired. But with BosomMax I increased in size from a 34-B to a 34-D! Now I do look and feel more attractive, and I’m no longer invisible to my clients and my bosses… my career is going better than ever!”

Hear that ladies, bigger breasts=a successful career. All this time I thought it had to do with brains. I’m such a dummy.

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Maisy Sweet Potato Purr Muffin.

Over the weekend we couldn’t find our cat, Maisy. We looked everywhere and I was in a panic, thinking that she went missing like our kitty, Zira.

Since my emotions have been getting the best of me for awhile, I was on the verge of tears, until my hubby found Maisy like this:

I may or may not have peed myself from laughing when I saw her cuddled up in the little hummingbird’s high chair. It has become one of her favorite places to sleep.

I’m still getting used to it though. When I was doing laundry on Tuesday, I kept on walking by my daughter’s high chair to get to the laundry room and each time, I would jump a little because Maisy would catch me off guard. So instead of seeing a cute kitty face, I saw this:

*Updated to add: It’s supposed to look like she’s shooting lasers out of her eyes but now that I look at it, it just….doesn’t. It looks more like she stabbed herself in the eyes with kitty sized skewers.

But that’s just ridiculous because cats aren’t capable of holding skewers, even if they were tiny. Although if she grabbed one in between both paws it might work.

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Because having a tiny elbow crushing my windpipe is so much fun.

The hubby and hummingbird are close to being over the cold that took over our house but since I got the worst of it, my butt is still dragging but not in the gross way when dogs drag their poopy butts all over the carpet *gag* and I’m playing the sick card with my husband.

Can you throw that basket of laundry in the washer? I’m sooo sick. And can you also run the dishwasher, feed the cat, change the hummingbird’s diaper, check the mail….

I make sure to add a cough and/or groan about my throat being sore.

The last time we were all sick was in November and it was brutal since we had been visiting our families for Thanksgiving and had to fly back home. I always think that since my little girl is sick, she’ll take it down a few notches so I can rest a little but have found that even with a fever, coughing, being congested, and not sleeping at night isn’t going to slow her down.

She was waking up several times a night last week and although my husband and I take turns when she wakes up, at one point I felt like I would drop dead while I was up with her so I brought her into our room and we were laying in bed. The hummingbird was hyper at first but then she cuddled up with me.

She wasn’t much of a cuddler when she was younger but is starting to do that more often which I love. My husband turned around in bed, faced us, and scared the hell out of our daughter because she hadn’t seen him wear the mask of his CPAP machine before. I admit it, I thought her reaction was pretty funny. Yes, I’m a mean mommy.

I tried to convince her that it was just her daddy and he was harmless so I flopped his hand around in a wave and was saying hi in funny voices but neither one of them was very amused.

My hubby had most of the room in our king size bed, our cat was sprawled out the long way by our feet, I had a death grip on the side of the bed so I wouldn’t fall out while my left arm was around my little girl, and she was laying as close to me as possible so she wouldn’t be near that creepy masked man who sounded like Darth Vader.

Then I felt her relaxing against my body so I inched away a little to have some room but she inched towards me. I still had a death grip on the bed and I was laying on top of my right arm which was going numb. My left arm started going numb since the little hummingbird’s head was getting heavier and heavier.

As she was drifting off further into sleep, she was hitting me in the face with her hands. Then she put her hands behind the back of her head and her right elbow was stabbing me in the neck.

I slowly moved my left arm up a little and the feeling started coming back but since her tiny elbow was still jammed into my neck, I tilted my head up and over to the right to try and avoid her pointy, little elbow but it didn’t work.

That gave her more space and her heavy head whacked me in the left cheek while her elbow was still lodged into my neck. While my hubby, the hummingbird, and Maisy the cat slept soundly, I was wide awake and afraid to move a muscle or else I would fall onto the floor.

I wanted to take my little girl back to her room because I was never going to get any sleep this way but she was finally asleep so I couldn’t bear to move her.

My husband solved the problem. He knocked his mask around and it was hissing loudly so I scooted the hummingbird over and nudged my hubby in the arm so he could readjust his mask.

I waited a minute and by then my little girl was waking up to the hissing sound and since the mask wasn’t on right, the hubby was snoring really loud so I took one of his pillows and wacked him in the face. While he was grumbling that I woke him up seriously?, I took the hummingbird back to her room.

I went to take another dose of night-time cold medicine and slipped back into bed.  I was just waiting for her to start crying but she didn’t. Success! While I was finally getting comfy and relaxed, she started crying. I tapped my hubby on the arm and told him your turn.

After my husband got up, I had more room in the bed yipee until our cat, Maisy, came up by my face and sprawled out. At least she was courteous enough to lay face to face and not cat butt to face.

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Warm fuzzies.

To all of the mamas of the furry kind.

To all of the mamas of the not so furry kind who can act like animals.

I hope you have a lovely day with plenty of warm fuzzies.

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Where’s Doogie Howser when I need him? I’d even take Doc Baker but I can’t trade his services for homemade jam or live chickens, unless he wouldn’t mind the bag of chocolate that I left on the counter above the dishwasher that’s all melty.

*This was actually supposed to be a really short post since I’m sick and feel like death but I took Nyquil an hour ago so this is basically drunk blogging at it’s finest. When I say finest, I mean at it’s worst and I’m sure you didn’t need me to clarify but I’m buzzed from cold medicine and I have a fever that makes me feel like I’m going to burst into flames.

My house has some kind of virus going around. My poor niece is even sick and she lives halfway across the country. My mom was telling me that when my sister took her to the doctor, he said she has borderline strep. I was like what the hell?

I’m not some kind of medical pro although I have 5 days of nursing school under my belt before I dropped out so come to think of it, I might have more experience than most doctors, heh, but I don’t get the borderline crap. She’s running a high fever and has white spots on her throat and back in my day that meant you officially have strep. 

Okay, I just said back in my day. I’m old.

 Obviously you can get sick anytime, but why the puckity puck does it have to be in May when the weather is finally getting nice?! It started with the little hummingbird on Sunday night, then me on Tuesday, and now my husband.

My husband stayed home from work on Thursday which drove me crazy because he can never just kick back and relax. So he was being a pain but I guess he was getting back at me because when I’m sick, I have no problem taking it easy but the times I’ve had surgery, it’s impossible for me to relax.

When I had sinus surgery back in January, I drove my hubby crazy with my pain in the ass antics. Normally it’s not a problem for me to avoid cleaning but while I was supposed to be recovering, I wanted to do things I try to avoid like the plague, like the dishes. My husband even caught me cleaning the toilet while I was supposed to be lying down.

I know this is not at all fascinating.

While looking through pictures of me and my mom for my last post, I came across other pics I haven’t seen for a while and since I’m sick and a lazy ass, you get to see a few random photos. You’re welcome.

Oh, that reminds me. I can’t find my baby book which has some cringe worthy photos I wanted to share so I could really embarrass myself. I’ve kept track of it through 9 moves but I have no idea where it went since our last move back in September. sniff

Here’s my all time favorite Halloween costume. I was either 5 or 6 at the time and my weirdness was already showing through.

I have no idea if this monster was just some goofy character in a cartoon or what the deal was. I was a smurf purist at the time.

Notice the groovy curtains and organ. I was at my grandpa’s house and I don’t remember him or his wife ever playing that thing.

My hubby and I lived in Seattle about 8 years ago and it was my all time favorite place to live. At the time we had a crazy but lovable dog that could rival Marley from Marley & Me.

My hubby was so proud of this picture because not only did he get our dog to stay still long enough, he thought it was so cool that it looked like our dog was about to eat the Space Needle.

Another time while we were visiting Victoria, BC, we were walking around and came across a huge crowd of people.

We found out the Queen of England was visiting. At first we didn’t really care and started walking away but the crowd’s excitement was infectious so we decided to stick around.

Surprisingly, despite having a disposable camera since we forgot ours at home and being so far away, we were able to get some really great pictures of her and that guy she’s married to.

Not!

Then we found out the Queen has a dark side. She’s a stalker. My husband and I went out to lunch afterwards and the Queen zoomed by the restaurant in her motorcade.

See, totally stalkerish. Sure she zoomed by but that was just to throw us off. After that my hubby and I were going to some museum that must have been really important since I don’t remember what it was.

When we got close, we found that the area was blocked off because the Queen was making a speech nearby. That bitch.

That’s when my hubby and I decided to turn the tables on the Queen and chase her around Victoria. We got a taxi and the guy driving knew the places where she would be so he took us all over but she always stayed one step ahead of us. That and the traffic was like a parking lot.

There was a military base that she went to so I’m sure she thought she’d lose us that way. Little did she know my husband’s in the Navy and we have military I.D. so we were able to get on base.

But she must have figured out that we were close because by the time we got out to the tarmac, she was already in a helicopter flying off.

At least we’ll always have a picture to remember her by until we get really old and have no clue as to why we have a photo of the back of people’s heads.

~~~

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

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It’s taken me 10 months of begging and my mom has finally written a post so if you don’t read it, she might cry and I’m sure you don’t want to be like Jeffrey (I don’t care if I made your mom cry) Sebelia from Season 3 of Project Runway.

*I now give you the greatest mom in the whole world.

M is for the many things she gave me. O is for the other things she did. M is for many of the grey hairs I got. Well, it’s that time of the year again. Mother’s Day.

I think the best part about being a grandmother is hearing the stories your children tell you about your grandchildren. The reason it’s so funny is because most of the stuff they tell you is what your kids did to you.

One time, when Elle was about 18 months old, I decided to get her a green Mc shake for St. Patricks Day. In the 70’s, before air bags, your kid would ride shotgun in their car seat.

Elle got her shake and I reminded her several times “don’t take the lid off”. Well, as I came to a red light and stopped, I heard a scream.

My sweetheart had taken the lid off and the shake was all over her face and shirt. I was laughing so hard, I started peeing and was trying to comfort her while pulling off to the side of the road.

Another time I was down to my last $10 dollars. Elle got into my purse, pulled the money out, and was hanging it out of the window, flying the $10 dollars like a kite.

Of course it flew out of her hands. That time I was crying and peeing at the same time.

The temper tantrums are the funniest because I’ve lost track of how many times I would threaten to never take her out in public again until she was 18.

Yes, motherhood is a hoot. Many shots of vodka, tears, and laughs later & I wouldn’t change anything. Happy Mother’s Day to my daughter and to you. ~ Elle’s mom

**I don’t have a photo scanner so here’s a picture of a picture of me and my beautiful mom, circa 1976. Apparently she liked taking me to back alley petting zoos. I picked one where you can’t see her face because really, who would want to claim my crazy ass.

And we don’t have red hair even though it looks that way. Also, my germaphobe self hopes my mom dipped me in alcohol after this was taken. I will now shut up. :^)


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