This will either scare you away or, well, scare you away.

I was up with insomnia last night and my thoughts turned to my blog. Here I share so much and open the door to my life, whether I’m going through ups or downs. I don’t like to sugarcoat things, like when I had that rough patch with my hubby which was made worse by the depression and anxiety I’ve been going through.

If you met me in real life you’d probably think there isn’t any way this person writes what I do since I’m painfully shy and quiet which can come off as me being stuck up and bitchy but I’m just extremely nervous in social situations.

I definitely have my bitchy moments and have perfected my “I’ll kill you in your sleep” look to my husband after he’s done something that pisses me off but in general I don’t think I’m a bitch but that’s probably what all of the true bitches say. ;^)

Obviously people who really know me see the real me, good and bad. That’s what I’ve been doing more and more on my blog; showing the real me.

I tend to overshare and give you way too much information about myself but it actually helps to just get it out in the blogosphere and I love when I find that others can relate.

When I started my site, I had no idea what I was doing but I had planned on making it mostly about the little hummingbird which ended up not happening as often. I didn’t realize how much I needed to get off of my chest.

While I don’t see my blog changing too drastically and there will still be my typical posts, there are things I would like to write about that I haven’t before, at least not in such a detailed way.

Basically I’ll be writing like how I talk to my mom, which is very upfront and I’m so glad that I have that rapport with her. Come to think of it, I’m already pretty upfront here but there will be topics every now and then that could be about something women might not really say much about, for instance What I didn’t expect after expecting.

It also means there might be times when your jaw could drop to the floor or you’ll be thinking to yourself I’ve experienced something similar and this makes me feel like less of a freak.

I really hope it will be the latter!

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A guest post by a kick ass mama of two who’s a baking extraordinaire. After seeing her goodies, I want to be her sister wife. Get your mind out of the gutter, Pervy McPervington. I mean her baked goodies.

This guest post comes from Ryan Ann who lives in Illinois and started her awesome blog Live, Laugh, Love, Bake in January. She shares many different things on her blog and what really caught my attention was her amazing baking skills. One that had me at hello is her white chocolate cake that she made for her friend’s hubby’s birthday. It’s beautiful! Just try to look at this without drooling:

My hubby goes bust a nut crazy every Fall for all things pumpkin and Ryan Ann has a recipe for chocolate chip pumpkin cookies that I know we’ll all love. While I’ve said before that I’m allergic to the kitchen and can’t cook, I do love to bake but with the exception of a few recipes, I usually end up getting something in the refrigerated section of the grocery store and throwing it in the oven.

 Honestly though, after reading through her blog, Ryan Ann has helped my fear of the kitchen. I saw a recipe I know my 2-year-old will love, blueberry muffin cookies with vanilla lemon icing, and I came across this step that made me laugh out loud…”add blueberries and GENTLY fold into cookie dough. (Yes, you have to be gentle. You don’t want to break the blueberries. They haven’t done anything to you!)“.

Other posts I love; Fuck Ups Happen & Sock and Underwear Gnomes.

The little hummingbird loves to color and even though I watch her like a hawk, there was a blue crayon vs. our couch incident that looked like a Smurf murder scene and a green crayon vs. all of the hummingbird, including her light pink pants. Washable crayons my ass.

As much as I try to keep track, there seems to be a stray crayon that hides where only my little girl can find it. That’s why I got all giddy when I saw Ryan Ann had a post on how to make chunky crayons in a mini muffin tin. I’m sure there will be future crayon incidents but at least with the chunky crayons, they will hopefully be easier for me to find.

I highly recommend checking out Ryan Ann’s blog and I will now shut up and hand the reigns over to her.

~~~

 More Than Just Mom….

I’m the proud mama bear of two really kick ass kiddies, Michael 12 and Lucy 7. I’m the wife (and sometimes it seems, also the mother of) a 34 year old mechanic with a bottomless stomach and an incessant NEED to race on the dirt track every.. single.. Friday.. night.. I am the strong willed daughter of a strong willed mother- (who we LIVE with in my grammie’s old house, need I say more?) I am also a maid, a nurse, a short order cook and waitress, a free taxi service, a psychologist and a referee.

I embrace all of these roles, but have come to realize that there is one title that always gets left in the dust: ME. I was me before I had kids and surely starting a family doesn’t mean that I have to entirely give up my old self, does it? (DOES IT?!?) It is so easy to lose ourselves in the day to day grind that comes with being domesticated. We feel selfish for thinking about ourselves or our own wants and needs.

As someone who hasn’t left the house- other than to go grocery shopping- in 2 months, let me just say this… You know that saying “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy?” While grammatically fucked, it is completely true! I know I can definitely feel my sanity slipping away… Errrr… what’s left of it, anyways.

So, maybe as a statement or perhaps just a reminder to myself, here I am in type:

  • I drink my coffee (LOTS of coffee) black with sugar.
  • I dye my hair often and all shades of the rainbow.
  • I am tattooed and pierced and am quite happy this way.
  • I desperately need to lose weight and am NOT happy this way.
  • I too often allow myself to get treated like a doormat.
  • I have a very dark sense of humor and it’s not my fault if YOU can’t take a joke.
  • My mouth would make a trucker run to confession, but I’m working on that.
  • Good manners are surprisingly important to me.
  • I have HAD IT with this bully issue and my son’s school that does N O T H I N G about it!
  • Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, go to hell.
  • I bake often, and always all from scratch.
  • My family is my L I F E!

With all that said; tonight? I’m getting the hell out of dodge, going out for coffee with some friends where I will enjoy being…. well… ME. And then I will come home, re tuck my kiddies in, kiss their foreheads, wash my face off, go to sleep and wake up feeling renewed and ready to go. Because really, I wouldn’t trade my life for the world.

*If you would like to write a guest post, whether you have a blog or not, send me an email at elle.mommyhood@gmail.com.

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Like a hummingbird on crack.

My 1 year blog anniversary was on July 2nd and I wasn’t going to do anything but since I’m sick, I’ve been looking at my early posts and decided to repost a few. We can just pretend that today is July 2nd unless that was a crappy day for you. If so, you don’t have to pretend and can just think to yourself that this blogger chick is a lazy ass which is the case.

A post I did only 4 days after I started blogging was called Go Speed Racer, Go. I thought my daughter crawling and getting into everything was bad but after she started walking, holy hell!

The only way I could describe it was that she was “like a hummingbird on crack” but I was very close to taking that out of the post.

I actually got a comment for that post and back then, when I would see that Yay! someone is reading my blog and took the time to leave a comment, I would run to tell my husband and do the happy dance. Okay, I admit I still do that since I can’t believe people read my blog.

The comment on the post was from Nic at My Bottle’s Up and if you don’t read her blog already, it’s a must and she is awesome. I also give her total credit for my tagline because if she didn’t suggest it, I probably wouldn’t have even thought about using it for the tagline.

nic @mybottlesup
July 6, 2010 19:59

i’m pretty sure “a hummingbird on crack” has got to be THE BEST analogy ever. i’d definitely copyright that little gem, and pop it up as your tagline… “keeping up with a hummingbird on crack.”

My reply:

Elle
July 6, 2010 20:14

I was actually going to take that part out b/c I didn’t want to sound weird but then I figured I AM weird so why not. Great idea about the tagline. Maybe I should put that under my twitter bio too.

So that’s how the hummingbird’s nickname was born and here’s the post I did on day 4 of my blog:

Go Speed Racer, Go!

July 6, 2010

Since she started walking back in June, my little girl is like a hummingbird on crack. My head spins when I watch her race from room to room. I jump around constantly trying to keep her out of harms way and sometimes fail.

My body contorts itself in ways I never thought possible. I feel like Linda Blair without the whole possessed by the Devil part although the hubby would probably beg to differ.

Peeing has become an Olympic sport for me. While I’m doing my business, my little girl will walk into the bathroom and stick her hand in the garbage. I take her hand out. She opens up the sink cabinet. I take my foot and close it. She’ll start closing the bathroom door on her fingers. I grab the door just in time.

You get the picture. I’ve become a ninja of sorts. My little girl is so hyperkinetic. It wasn’t too long ago that I would lay her down somewhere and she would, GASP, stay put.

In her early months I would have trouble finding the time to take a shower, do laundry, or anything that would require me to take my eyes off of her for a second because oh my gawd what if I missed out on her doing something!!

Ahem. I look back and see how much time I did have and think to myself why the hell didn’t I take advantage of it because now, that ship has sailed.

~~~

Something I never liked doing was cutting the little humminbird’s fingernails, especially when she was a baby because her nails were paper thin. I wrote a post about it last August.

The One With The F Word.

August 31, 2010

No, not that f word. The other one, baby fingernails. I hate cutting my daughter’s fingernails. They’re so tiny and she never stays still. When she was a newborn, we tried to use little baby nail files instead of clippers. Ha! That was a big fail. I’ve also tried to con my hubby into clipping her nails but since he leaves his toenails Freddy Krueger style, he never thinks they need clipping.

When she was about 2 months old I nicked her thumb with the clippers. I held my breath, looked at her to see if she was okay, and then there was crying. Both of us were in tears.

I raced to the bathroom to find something to stop the bleeding. I grabbed a tissue to wrap around her thumb but her arms were flailing about. Blood was smeared all over her clothes, her blanket, her face, me, and our bedspread. It looked like a bloodbath. She was starting to calm down but I was still in a panic.

I couldn’t believe that much blood was coming from such a small finger. I found some bandages but trying to put one on her finger was impossible. Those fingers are teeny tiny. I called my hubby at work to tell him what happened and he assured me that our daughter would be okay.

She was still bleeding and I found some gauze and tape. The makeshift bandage I finally got on her finger was bigger than her whole hand since that was the only way I could get it to stay on. There were layers of gauze and tape wrapped around her tiny, bloody thumb. Then she was trying to suck on her fingers and my new mom-itis got me thinking that she was going to swallow the bandage. I could just picture having to take her to the ER for choking on it. Oh, the joys of new mommyhood.

So I swaddled her until the hubby got home. I’ll never forget the look on his face when he saw her bandaged finger. Just earlier he was telling me that she would be fine and then he sees this HUGE bandage on her finger. I took it off and showed him the cut because I thought he was going to start panicking.

Now that my little girl is older, it’s only gotten more difficult to cut her nails. Whenever I try, her legs go thunk thunk thunk against her changing table. It’s like she does these tap dancing routines. People have suggested trying to cut her nails while she’s sleeping but she’s asleep and she wouldn’t stay that way if I did. I couldn’t imagine having to sneak into her room with the hubby, flashlight in one hand and nail clippers in the other.

I think they need to have grooming salons for babies. Out of all the things that come with motherhood, cutting fingernails is something I would pay big bucks for someone else to do. Bring on the diaper blowouts, throw up, teething, crankiness, screaming, whining, and tantrums. I would rather leave those itty bitty fingernails for someone else to cut.

~~~

Since I’m taking a look back, here’s one of my favorite pictures of the little hummingbird from last summer. Except for a few times, she never lets us put her hair in a ponytail.

Before I can even get her hair brushed into a ponytail or pigtails, she’ll start shaking her head and will try to run off. This was one of those rare times that she let me put her hair up and it lasted a record 5 minutes.

Here’s my sweet hummingbird who can make my heart melt one minute and make me want to pull my hair out the next. I miss those cheeks! She’s growing up too fast. sniff.

 

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Calling for guest bloggers….

Last fall I was talking with my mom and telling her how I would like to create another blog and have people share their views. Obviously I know that’s why people have blogs but I wanted to have it be for people who might not want to post something on their own blog, especially if they have family and friends reading it and have to be careful with what they say.

Then I decided that I could just do this on the blog I have now. I know I have a “small” blog and don’t get thousands of hits a day but I would like it to be a place where others can have their say and share their experiences.

I don’t expect people to knock down the doors of this here little blog to guest post but if it’s possible I would eventually like to have a guest post up once a week. That’s my goal anyway. You don’t have to be a parent or even have your own blog to write a guest post.

You can write about ANYTHING you want, mother-in-law issues, music, your obsession with The Real Housewives (that might just be me), your kids, something your kids have done that drove you crazy, a short story, a poem, your favorite recipe, some arsehole, anything.

I’m known to curse like crazy although I’m not that bad in front of the hummingbird and she’s been such a mimic lately so I have to be careful. I try to tame my language on my blog (I don’t always succeed though) but you don’t need to censor yourself if you want to write a post.

If there’s something you really want to get off your chest but would like to remain anonymous, just let me know and my lips are sealed.

You can email me and put ‘guest post’ in the subject line. Also make sure to let me know if you want to go under a pseudonym. Maybe something like Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Okay, so you don’t have to go under that name. :^) If you want me to include a brief bio then make sure to add it to the email but a bio isn’t necessary.

So if you love to write and want to guest post, drop me an email….

elle.mommyhood@gmail.com

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Number twelve looks just like you.

I hope everyone celebrating the 4th of July is having a great day!

They cancelled the fireworks where I live and also imposed a $1,ooo fine for anyone setting them off. That hasn’t stopped the obnoxious douchebags setting them off all weekend at like 2 in the morning. We live in military housing and nobody has been setting them off in our neighborhood but I’ve been hearing them nearby.

I actually wouldn’t have a problem with the fireworks if these people did it earlier than 2 am when my daughter is sound asleep. I’m afraid it will wake her up and then I would have to hunt down these people, stick a bottle rocket up their butt, and light it. Even with a $1,000 fine, it would be so worth it.

Sunday I woke up and felt awful so I think I have some kind of plague. Luckily the little hummingbird hasn’t shown any signs of being sick or my hubby. I’m stuck in a cold medicine haze and taking it easy while the hubby tries to keep up with our little girl. I’m enjoying the hell out of that part of being sick. At least until he goes back to work tomorrow and then I’ll have to be the one racing around with the plague and making sure the hummingbird doesn’t get into much trouble. *cries*

I’ve been in a Twilight Zone marathon coma since yesterday. I freaking love the TZ marathons. One of my all time favorites is when aliens come down to earth and some people try to decipher a book one of the aliens left behind at a press conference. It ends up being called “To Serve Man” and what one guy doesn’t find out until the end while he’s boarding a spaceship is that it’s actually a cookbook. Awesome!

Other favs (writing them all would take forever); the one where the earth is moving closer to the sun, the young woman trying to fight being made “perfect” (hence the name of this post), and the one where the little girl falls out of her bed and through her wall into another dimension. I saw that episode when I was younger and it pretty much scarred me for life. I never wanted my bed near the wall after that.

Even now if we’re traveling and staying at a hotel, if the bed is too close to the wall, I won’t sleep on that side. Yes, I’m a freak.

~~~

I was able to read several blogs over the weekend and there were a few that had stories of the embarrassing things parents did when the now mamas were younger. It reminded me of something that happened when I was in high school.

My mom had this big ass Buick that even she didn’t like. There were a few times when she would be able to pick me up from school and while I liked that I didn’t have to ride the bus, the ginormous car would embarrass me. One time when she picked me up, she parked in the student parking lot that didn’t have parking bumps I think that’s what they’re called. They’re not speed bumps but I love it when there’s a sign for speed humps. It makes me giggle because I’m 12. but instead had this low chain going around the parking lot that was in the first row of spaces.

When I saw her park I said a quick goodbye to my friends hoping they wouldn’t see me get into this boat on wheels. Come to think of it, the car seemed as big as those duck boats that do those tours. I hopped in the car still hoping nobody would see me and my mom put the car in reverse. The freaking car wouldn’t move. She tried again and nothing.

She got out and saw the chain in the front of the parking space got stuck on the grill of the car. I thought I would die! We both tried to push on the hood of the car to get some momentum going  so we could get the front of the car to go up and down and get the chain unhooked but nada. By then some of my friends and other classmates obviously took notice. I was 16 and while my mom is the greatest mom in the universe, at that age everything my parents did seemed to embarrass me like every other 16-year-old.

With this spectacle, I thought for certain I would never be able to live this down. A few guys I was friends with, including one I had a huge crush on, came over while we were trying to unhook the chain from under the ginormous boat of a car. After a few minutes they were able to get us free and I was already planning on never going back to school ever again.

After that weekend, I was dreading the worst when I went back to school and while there were some jokes, it wasn’t that bad. A year or so later when my mom finally got a car that wasn’t embarrassing, guess who got the big ass boat car? It was all miiiine! Fortunately, the car died less than a year later.

I swear I didn’t have anything to do with its demise. Mostly not. Okay, maybe a little. No, really I didn’t.

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My hubby is so excited, I’m sure I’ll find wadded up tissues around the house. Too much info? Yeah, probably.

My husband’s birthday was yesterday and we went out for barbeque last night. Barbeque smells yummy at first but it’s been a day and I’ve taken a shower and still reek of the smell. My sweet pea and violet body wash mixed with smokey barbeque is making me gag.

Today my hubby came home early and I thought awww but then I found the real reason was he went out and got Apple TV for his birthday present. He’s all kinds of excited. He thinks it’s awesome and if he wasn’t so reserved, I know he’d be squealing with delight like I do when I get my US Weekly in the mail every week.

I’m still not sure what Apple TV does even though I read what it does as well as how cool people think it is but I’m sure once he sets it up, it’ll probably be something I’ll find I can’t live without.

~~~

The little hummingbird and our new cat Maisy are falling more in love with each other. Not only does our kitty like to cuddle up in my little girl’s high chair, Maisy also sits in the hummingbird’s little purple chair in the living room and has been “guarding” her at night by sleeping in the glider next to the hummingbird’s crib.

The little hummingbird has turned the tables on our cat and her new favorite thing is to climb up on top of Maisy’s scratch post.

As much as I adore Maisy, I’ve been really missing our cat, Zira, who we had for almost 15 years but she slipped out of our house when a butthead repairman left the front door open back in March. I thought it would get a little easier with time but my hubby and I keep on reminiscing about our lost kitty and we’re both still heartbroken since Zira was like our first child.

I’m normally a pessimist but the only way I can deal with her missing is to think like an optimist and hope that she’s safe and okay even though realistically, I don’t think that’s the case. *le sigh*

Well crap, I didn’t mean to turn into such a Debbie Downer so here are some cute pictures….

 Cozy kitty.

Um kitty, can I please sit in my high chair?

Haha Maisy, I’m getting you back. Plus I’m giving my mama a heart attack because she thinks I’m gonna fall.

 I have no idea what Apple TV is but I’m still happy about it!

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Finally.

The hummingbird is napping right now which is a miracle and I’m watching Lost In Translation for the 20,000th time this month so I have time to write a very long and boring post.

Last week I mentioned how exhausted I am because the little hummingbird has been battling bedtime for months. Only a day or two after I wrote that, she’s been getting better. She still can put up a fight but not the ginormous ones that can last 2-3 hours. I always think if I write about something I’ll jinx it and make it worse but it actually seems to make things better, not always but most of the time. Just like when I was wanting to kill my hubby over petty things. After I vented about it, things improved.

Hmmm…..I would love to have Johnny Depp and/or Mark Ruffalo appear in my living room and give me a back massage……………damn, it didn’t work.

Another reason I’m so freaking exhausted and haven’t been posting as much is because I’m finally on an antidepressant. You may or may not have read that my primary doctor was being an asshole when it came to helping me with the depression I’ve been going through as well as anxiety and panic attacks.

There were 12 psychiatrists I would have been able to pick from and go to but they’re in the same practice at the local hospital and since they’re overloaded with patients, they will give a consultation and put you on meds if necessary but they need a primary doctor involved with monitoring the meds and my doctor refused.

I’ve said in another post how confusing it was because when my hubby and I lived here previously, I had the same doctor and he had no problem prescribing these meds. I was told by a member of his staff recently, who was working at my doctor’s office back when I lived here 5 years ago, that he has never prescribed antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds. Huh?

When we moved back here last summer I was thinking about trying a different doctor but decided to go with the one I had before because I thought he would give me the help if I needed it. Big mistake. I still can’t change primary doctors right now because nobody is accepting my insurance.

The anxiety I’ve had has been building up for nearly 2 years and then last fall it turned into depression. I wasn’t even going to mention it on my blog but I talk about everything else on here. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of taking meds because when I’ve been on antidepressants in the past, I get the worst side effects. But then I figured I’d rather feel zombie-ish and exhausted than cry at the drop of a hat. Of course depression is exhausting anyway.

Things are different now since I have my 2-year-old hummingbird so I can’t lay in bed all day, crying and feeling crappy like I had done when I went through depression pre-hummingbird. I also figured that since I’ve been trying to resolve this on my own for the past couple of years and it wasn’t working, I knew I had to give meds another try.

I know that therapy is a really important part of dealing with this and I’m still trying to find a psychologist but it’s been difficult since my insurance has pissed off so many providers.

I finally found a psychiatrist who doesn’t require any monitoring by my primary doctor but when I googled him and read some of his reviews, my heart sank. I know people are going to have many different opinions about doctors but when I read several that said things like avoid this doctor at all costs I thought effity eff.

I really don’t have any other options though so I’m stuck with this guy. When I called for the first appointment, they made it very clear that he doesn’t do any psychotherapy, he only does medication. My husband tried to look on the bright side and keeps on telling me that at least I’m on meds but last week was really bad and when I went to see this psychiatrist, who I’ve dubbed Dr. So Called “Doctor”, it sucks that he’s so cold and I was really needing to talk some things out. I’m still checking my insurance so if another psychiatrist becomes available, I hope to switch.

The best way I can describe him is if he was a lawyer, he would no doubt be an ambulance chaser. When I go to see him, I’m in his office less than 5 minutes. He has this huge wooden desk and a few chairs to his right side. I basically just sit there while he goes over my file and he asks me to come back the same time next week, gives me an appointment card, and writes down how many med samples I need that I then give to his receptionist who goes and gets them. He’s waiting to see what dosage I need with the meds before he prescribes them. At least that’s what I hope he’s doing.

While I’m sitting there in silence while he reads my file, I stare at his shoes. He has these shoes that look really tight on his feet and buckle on the side but they’re never buckled. I see him in the late afternoon so maybe his shoes bug him by the end of the day but all I can look at are his unbuckled shoes and wonder why in the hell doesn’t he just get another pair of shoes. It looks like he takes his shoes, stretches them out as far as they will go, and even has the tongue of his shoes sticking up so his shoes look like they have a boner.

I’ve suffered for fashion before although not for years. I live in yoga pants and flip-flops but from what I’ve seen, he could care less about fashion. My hubby and I talk about Dr. So Called “Doctor” and his unbuckled shoes after every appointment. For the rest of the day I wonder about this guy’s freaking shoes. Is it the only pair he owns? Do they give him super powers? Are they permanently stuck on his feet?

The so called “doctor” has me on an antidepressant and also an anti-anxiety med to take as needed. As shady as this “doctor” seems and as much as I don’t like him, I wanted to cry tears of joy when he said he’s giving me an anti-anxiety med. I’ve been having horrible panic attacks (not that panic attacks are ever a joy to have), sometimes two a day, and knowing I have something just in case makes me feel better. It’s like a placebo effect.

Since I’ve only been on the meds a couple of weeks, I’m still getting used to them so my mind is kind of loopy which is really nothing new and they make my brain feel fuzzy. I have no idea how else to describe it except feeling fuzzy.

So, to make another short story really long which is what I do best, this is why I haven’t been posting that often. I’m sure soon enough I’ll be posting my usual crazy nonsense (I’ve just started a post about this wheelbarrow guy in my neighborhood who’s probably a serial killer and possibly burying people by our house and another about pain in the ass cupcakes. I know, riveting stuff.) but right now when I try to write, I end up staring at a blank screen with the cursor going blink, blink, blink.

I’m having moments where I’m starting to feel a little more like myself but I know it’s going to be a long process. I’m looking forward to finding a therapist because I know that will make me feel so much better. I’ve been to a few therapists in the past and I’ve been really lucky when it comes to having great ones.

The last therapist I went to taught me different ways to deal with anxiety but when I’m in the middle of a panic attack, it’s really hard for me to use what she taught me since my thoughts become irrational. Anxiety is my biggest issue and if it gets to be too much, it ends up turning into depression if I let it go on for too long.

Having depression and anxiety is hell and it’s like you’re a prisoner in your own body but I’m hoping in the near future, I’ll be feeling much better.

I promise in my next post I won’t even mention the D word or ponder why this “doctor” won’t buckle his only pair of super power shoes that are stuck on his feet.

Comments { 7 }