Yuuuup!

Storage Wars. Have you seen this reality show? I would see ads for it on television and I remember telling my hubby Are you freaking kidding me? It’s official. There is a reality show for anything and everything. I had made fun of it and then one night when the hummingbird was battling bedtime, my husband and I watched it.

We had a new episode of Modern Family on the DVR but with my little girl crying and screaming, I didn’t want to watch something that I was going to miss. My brain always turns to mush when she cries so instead I was flipping around the television and found Storage Wars. We figured why not?

Now we’re effing hooked on that show. If you haven’t seen the show here’s the deal. It focuses on the same 5  people who bid on abandoned storage lockers. There’s a couple, Brandi and Jarrod who never seem to agree with how much to spend or which storage unit to buy. It’s amazing when it comes to some of the cool things and/or money they can make on this but I’m sure more times than not, the storage lockers are a bust.

It sounds lame and it probably is but I got as hooked on this show as I had with House Hunters International which I still have banned myself from watching because I want to save both of my televisions from destruction.

I have also banned myself from watching the regular House Hunters because my stabby feelings go to code red. Where do some of these people get the money for houses? I saw one couple on HH International who seemed to only surf and I thought how in the hell can they afford to buy a house.

When I’ve asked my hubby he always says they just worked and saved but I would always tell him even if that was the case, I just can’t see a young couple being able to afford some of these fancy schmancy houses.

During our first year of marriage my hubby and I were both in college I’m determined to finish my degree some day. I just have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and couldn’t afford a freaking toaster. We ate what seemed like a lifetime supply of ramen noodles.

I’m not saying that young newlyweds don’t have the means to buy a house but there are some people on the show where you’d think they couldn’t even afford a freaking happy meal let alone a house that was hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’ve heard a few people say the show is kind of a set up.

One of the last House Hunters I remember watching that had made me mental was of a married couple and the wife was pregnant. They had found a perfect house and were so excited but then as they were going down to the basement, they saw that it was completely flooded.  We’re talking you could kayak in the basement flooded.

It was obvious the wife was thinking screw this house, lets move on but the husband was insistent that they see if the problem could be resolved. It’s one thing if the house you already own floods. Of course you have to take care of it even though I’m the type that would rather move than deal with something like that but I also feel that way anytime I do the dishes or laundry or if my husband makes a mess of the kitchen floor and doesn’t pick it up.

I think it would be so much easier to move into a new house that doesn’t have dirty dishes in the sink, there isn’t a sticky floor, and I would just keep my piles of laundry at my old house so I could buy new clothes.

I couldn’t imagine expecting a baby in a few short months and wanting to deal with buying a house with that kind of damage. They brought in a friend who was in construction (I think) and the husband was saying that him and the friend would repair the basement themselves.

I think the House Hunters cameras saved that husband’s life because if I was his pregnant and hormonal wife, I would have tried to strangle him at this point. I would have killed my husband over orange juice when I was pregnant so I was surprised that she was agreeable when he told her they should still move forward with buying this house.

After the basement was drained, which I think was a big mistake because who wouldn’t want an indoor pool in their house, they brought in someone else to look at the basement.

The guy found that there was black mold on the walls. He also thought the mold was inside the walls and it would be a long process to fix it. Not only that, needless to say he found it a danger to the pregnant wife and the baby.

When the wife called her husband and pretty much put her foot down, he finally gave in but you could tell that he was still thinking that the house would be fine. Apparently this guy needs to lay off of sniffing glue. He made me so freaking crazy. In the end they found a house that they liked just as much but I think the wife should have gone back to the other house, flooded the basement again, and thrown her husband in there with some cement shoes.

So, back to Storage Wars. After watching a few episodes I told my husband that when he retires from the Navy in 5 years, we should move to Seattle (which we’ve already planned to do since that was our all time favorite place to live. we lived there for a year and a half back in 2002-2003) and open a second hand shop because these storage auctions seem fun and you never know what your going to find.

I’m mostly kidding but I think that would be kind of cool. The funny thing is that when I was younger my mom really loved garage sales but I never really cared for them because I’m a bit OCD (it’s gotten much better than it was years ago but when I’m stressed, it really comes out) and a germaphobe so not knowing who owned something, it could be from a hoarder for all I know, can make me leery. It would be ironic if my hubby and I really did open up a second hand store.

We have so much crap in our garage that we plan on going through each time before we move but we end up never doing it so we joke and say we should hold an auction for all the boxes of who knows what in the garage since that would be the easiest way to get rid of it.

*This post is for Marie R. who suggested I do a follow up post on my House Hunters International is like meth post. xx

**My zombie sinus infection is still causing havoc and I don’t feel that great. Because of that, I’m going to have 2 guest bloggers again this coming week but it’s likely I’m still going to post too. I have an appointment with an ENT doctor Monday morning. Dr. Cool is on vacation but all of the ENT’s in his practice seem really good and I hope they find out what’s going on.

I was told by Dr. Cool when I first saw him and had a CT scan that besides my sinuses being blocked by scar tissue, I also had a polyp but he wasn’t too concerned about it. He thought it would improve after my sinus surgery but now I’m worried that’s why my sinuses are so bad again.

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A guest post from a mama of twins who lives by her own rules and would protect her babies from zombies by using vegetable oil.

*I want to give a big thank you to Jamie. My house is filled with the plague and my hubby and the little hummingbird are hacking up their lungs. I was doing that at the beginning of the week but now I have some kind of raging zombie sinus infection so I asked Jamie if she would mind doing her guest post a little earlier.

My head feels like it’s going to explode so the biggest question I have is if I have a zombie sinus infection and my head goes kaboom!, would I be able to eat my own brains? Did I mention I’m on some awesome pain meds and shouldn’t be allowed to go near a computer? Let’s get to Jamie.

I’m a married mother of 5 month old twins, Clive and Scarlet. I love my babies with all my heart, even though I’m convinced they’re out to turn my hair gray before I reach 30. My mission in life is to  drive my husband crazy before he drives me crazy and I’m winning so far.

I’m an amateur blogger with a blog I started just a few weeks ago, Life Is Better With Me In It, and I promise to post more adorable pictures of my babies, because the world needs it.

Q and A with Jamie.

Elle: If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

Jamie: My first instinct was to take the flame thrower but then I figured that I would probably not only burn myself but the entire building I was hiding in, so I’m going with vegetable oil. That way I can just pour it on the ground, they slip and fall, and I run away. Oh and the fact that I won’t burn down the town is just an added bonus.

Elle: If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never had to hear about them again, who would it be?

Jamie: Speidi (if they can share a name they can share a rocket) because I’ve always wanted a parade thrown in my honor and I think that would do it.

Elle: What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house?

Jamie: Rebecca Black’s Friday and Miley Cyrus’s Party in the USA makes me want to shake my money-maker and makes my husband want to kill himself. Win win!

Elle: What is an embarrassing moment you had as a teenager?

Jamie: Definitely the time I was arrested in front of my boyfriend’s house (now known as my in-laws house), taken to jail, and mistaken as a crack whore by the warden. All on the night of my mom’s 40th birthday party bash. Nothing says happy birthday Mom like a midnight jail call!

~~~

Having a degree in Child and Family studies plus being a mom of twins pretty much makes me a parenting expert. Harvard might as well just give me a doctorate.

Children don’t come with instructions. I’ve always hated that line. It’s a sucky thing to say to a first time parent who every time that is said quietly thinks to themselves, no shit.  So since no one has come out with instructions I’ve decided to write my own.  You’re welcome!

1. I’ve heard many parents say “Give your children plenty of  praises” I say don’t. Instead, teach your children to praise you. You’re the one raising them, giving them free stuff. You deserve the most love.

2. Lie to your children to make your life easier. Grandma may have poisoned those cookies so I have to eat them all just in case.

3. Sing your baby rap songs as if they were lullabies. Baby’s gotta learn pimpin’ early.

4. The day after your baby is born go to Wal-Mart and let him roll around. They need to build up their immune system and they can’t live in a bubble forever.

5. Use television as a babysitter. Parenting takes up too much time as it is.

6.  Play favorites with your children. Competition is healthy and they need to compete for your love. Whoever makes the best martini wins!

7.  Give your children lots of sugar and carbs. The bigger they look, the smaller you look!

8. Don’t make them buckle up their seatbelts. They need to be able to move around and give a shoulder massage on demand.

9.  Always let them watch rated R movies. The more they know the less you have to explain.

10. Discourage most forms of reading. The words are big and complicated and the kid will just start bugging you to tell him what the words say and mean.

Look for my book coming out in 2012! Ok there’s not a book, but there should be because I’m freakin’ AWESOME.

~If you would like to write a guest post, whether you have a blog or not I’m looking at you Sarah K., send me an email at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

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There’s this wheelbarrow guy in our neighborhood who keeps dumping dirt by our house. He’s probably burying body parts which may include Mark Ruffalo’s missing legs.

Dude, where are my legs?

There’s this guy that my hubby and I have dubbed the “wheelbarrow guy” that has been dumping dirt by our house. I’m not sure exactly where he lives but he walks across the soccer field that’s across the street from our house, walks up our driveway, and dumps the dirt by the woodsy area next to our house.

When my husband first mentioned that he kept on seeing this guy, I feigned interest and said something like oh really, that’s weird which made my husband go into more detail than I wanted to know about the wheelbarrow guy.

Then I told him it’s kinda creepy that you know so much about our neighbors and he was like what’s wrong with knowing this stuff and I told him there’s nothing wrong with it but some of the things you know sounds like your some kind of stalkerish peeping Tom, maybe even a creepy serial killer and he said maybe I am, bwahahaha then I told him I’m not having sex with a serial killer even if said killer happens to be my husband but he still didn’t deny it and I think he’s trying to go for a possible murderous mystique to add some oomph to our sex life but that’s just freaky and while I like freaky, I’m not into serial killer freaky.

Anyway…

Recently, when the hummingbird was having “quiet time” meaning a naptime party in her room, I had just gotten out of the shower. The bathroom window looks out on the side of our house and the blinds were open a little when I saw the guy. It’s not like I want my neighbors to see me buck naked but they had recently moved back to India so as far as I knew, the house was still vacant.

At first I thought he was our new neighbor but then I saw he was walking back across the soccer field and pushing a wheelbarrow. Instead of taking advantage of the glorious free time I had, for the next half hour or so I watched this guy wheel dirt and dump it by our house while wondering what in the hell is this guy doing.

I’m easily entertained and have no life.

After that, me and my hubby made a game out of spotting this wheelbarrow guy, kind of like playing Where’s Waldo, and wherever we would be in the house, whoever spotted him first would yell out it’s the wheelbarrow guy. We would watch the guy from a window and the little hummingbird would look at us as if to say These people are my parents?! For real?!

My husband had the idea that maybe the guy is making a fish pond or something that was logical in his backyard. I had other thoughts. I told him I thought the guy was a serial killer who’s burying bodies by our house.

That’s usually my answer to anyone who seems suspicious. Creepy guy who only buys microwaveable meals at the store; serial killer who has no time to cook. Someone running down the street and isn’t wearing typical running clothes but instead looks like they just spontaneously started running; serial killer or shoplifter making a run for it. Anyone I don’t know who enters my house, be it a repairman, cable guy, etc; serial killer thanks mom for ramming that in my brain.

Because my husband can be just as twisted as me, he said it’s most likely not bodies the wheelbarrow guy is burying by our house because that would be harder to hide. He said the guy was probably chopping up the bodies and burying the parts by our house. Obviously my hubby and I watch way too much Dexter.

We haven’t spotted the wheelbarrow guy in a few weeks so he either got caught and is in jail or finished his serial killer project. I refuse to go over by where he was dumping all of that dirt since I’m afraid there will be a dismembered arm sticking up from the ground.

Here are some completely unnecessary pictures that tell the tale of the serial killer wheelbarrow guy.

Fyi, that’s not police tape around the soccer field, they recently seeded it. Allegedly.

He goes across the field and then crosses the street.

He gets our driveway dirty.

Then he dumps the body parts.

Not only do we have an infestation of damn gophers in our neighborhood, there’s also an abudance of bears and unicorns. The wheelbarrow guy better watch his back.

He’s the king of the wheeeelbarroooowwwwssss!

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She’s trying to keep her balls in the air or else kapow! Everything would become discom*ball*bulated.

This guest post comes from Melissa, a working mom who lives in New Jersey with her two sons, 4 and 7, and her husband who is a loving and patient man who forgives the fact that their lives are usually one dropped ball away from domestic disaster.

Melissa doesn’t have a blog but I hope to post more from her in the future. She totally won me over when I did a post last week about wanting to start a Q and A with guest bloggers on my site and I asked for suggestions while also mentioning two I had at the time. Before I even asked her, Melissa sent an email with her answer to the zombie question.

Here’s more about Melissa in her own words:  I have no pets or houseplants, because I’m just too lazy. I love playing with my boys, reading, crafts and reminding fellow moms that we’re all just doing our best and that’s good enough. Sometimes I even believe it myself. 

While being a working mother of two boys, wife, sister, daughter, and friend keeps blog fodder coming, it simulataneously reduces my capacity to actually do the blogging. I haven’t even thought about having a blog.

I suspect if I had a blog, all of the entries would start with “I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last posted…”. However, having a guest spot now and again may just be right up my alley!

Q and A

Elle: If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. A flame thrower.

B. An unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. A chainsaw.

D. A shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. Other and what would it be?

F. None of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

Melissa: E. Other. I’d want the “Bad Guy & Monster Spray” I use in my four-year old’s room at night before he goes to bed. Sure, it’s just an old hair care product spritzer refilled with water but he doesn’t know that cuz he can’t read. AND NEITHER CAN THE ZOMBIES BECAUSE THEIR BRAINS ARE ALL ROTTED, RIGHT?

Plus it works. We haven’t had any bad guys or monsters in my house since I started using it when he decided he didn’t like his room anymore.

Elle: If you could be stuck in an elevator with anyone (living or dead but not actually dead in the elevator with you because that would be pretty messed up) who would it be?

Melissa:  Can I stay alone in the elevator? I can’t remember the last time I had a few hours of quiet time. 

Elle:  If you could drop everything and go anywhere (real or fantasy) in the world, where would it be?

Melissa:  I’d like to go to Hogwarts. I can think a million uses for wingardium leviosa around my house and I hear the robes are slimming.  

Elle:  Favorite guilty pleasure?

Melissa:  Buying coffee instead of making it at home and one  hit wonders from the 1980s (see #7).

Elle: If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never have to hear about them again, who would it be?

Melissa:  I’d wait until there was a 3 for 1 sale and I’d send the Kardashians. They make me feel inadequate and superior at the same time. It’s very confusing for me.

Elle: Which would you rather win? An Oscar, a Grammy, or a Tony.

Melissa: A Tony. It would make my Mom the happiest. Plus I hear the Oscar is heavy and who wants to risk a back injury shlepping one of those around?

Elle: What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house?

Melissa: Anything by Enrique Iglesias. “You Spin Me Round” by Dead or Alive. “Obsession” by Animotion. “Relax” by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. I’ll stop now. It’s getting embarrassing.

Gobsmacked

I am the working mother of two goobers (aka: boys), one of whom has developmental delays. For now, that’s all you need to know about me. I’d share other interesting, funny things about myself but I need to hold back in case this guest blogger gig works out.

When your child has developmental delays you are so focused on catching him up that you are completely gobsmacked when he is the first to do something. This is what happened when Elder Goober lost his first tooth at the tender age of 5 ¼.

It’s after work on this fateful day and I’m trying to pry some details about Elder Goober’s day from him, when I notice a gap in his mouth. All he’s told me so far is that his day was fine and that his favorite part of kindergarten was recess. There was no mention of body parts falling out AT ALL!

He opens his mouth for further evaluation and, yes indeedy, something had changed since breakfast. I ask him what happened to his tooth. He says, completely matter of fact, it came out.

I ask why he didn’t tell our nanny. He responds that she was driving. He picks now as the time to obey the Don’t Bug the Driver rule?

At this point, I realize I have totally neglected the “Tooth Fairy” chapter of the Mom Handbook and Elder Goober is clueless that this is a milestone. None of his friends have lost teeth so he doesn’t know that this was an official big deal—much less a money-making one.

From his point of view, stuff comes off of or out of his body all the time–ear wax, boogers, shards of fingernails, hair. So what did he do with the extra bit? What he does with most of the other body parts he sheds: he flicked it. In this case, it was onto the floor of our car. I suppose I should be grateful that he didn’t eat it as he has been known to do with boogers*. That would have made the search much more unpleasant.

While this was a non event from his point of view, it was a major parenting failure from where I was sitting. He’ll get at least three therapy sessions from this when he’s grown.

Riddled with guilt, I traipse off to the car to see if I can find the tooth. Of course I can’t find it. He’s pretty good at flicking things, and the interior of my car is on loan to the scientific community as a giant, mobile microorganism culture.

So we write an explanatory note to the Tooth Fairy and she leaves Elder Goober a really good present. We warn Elder Goober, who has now informed us that some of this other teeth are wiggly, that he needs to save the teeth in the future. And he’s all: yuck, but the incentive of a cash payment elicits a promise to save the next one. He didn’t. Flicked the second one too.

And I am left with a valuable lesson: Never underestimate your children. Just when you think you know what they’re capable of, they’ll gobsmack you all over again.

Isn’t it fabulous?

*Don’t judge. If you have a boy, you know they do it sometimes no matter what you try. It’s in their DNA and I pick** my battles.

**Heee heee, Get it? Pick my battles?

~If you would like to write a guest post, send me an email at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

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The Thursday from hell.

The little hummingbird has been sick all week. She’s been really congested and has been getting up several times a night which is understandable. She usually wakes up between 6:30-7 am but yesterday (Thursday) since she had been up half the night, she didn’t get up at her usual time so I let her sleep until around 9 am.

I went into her room and was rubbing her back while telling her it’s time to get up. When she wakes up, she normally hops up and is ready to get out of her crib but yesterday she wasn’t like that.

As I went to lift the hummingbird out of her crib, she started shaking and doing these jerky movements. At first I thought I just scared her and it scared the hell out of me too. When I went to lay her on the changing table, the jerky movements started up again and I thought she was having a seizure.

My little girl was screaming and while I tried to remain calm, I was freaking out. It happened a third time and I was terrified so while she was still shaking and jerking around, I grabbed the phone. My first thought was to call 911 but then I called my husband. I called his work and cell number but he wasn’t picking up. Then I remembered that he was teaching a class from 8-10 am that day.

My daughter stopped her jerky movements and I went to the college website to try and find another phone number to get ahold of him. I was also going to call her pediatrician but couldn’t remember her name. Because I was in such a panic and didn’t know what was wrong with my daughter, I forgot that her pediatrician’s number was up on the fridge.

I called the admissions number at the college but that was just a recording and the next number I saw was for the alumni association. I thought fuck it, I have to get ahold of my hubby so I called that number and as soon as a woman answered, the hummingbird started shaking again and screaming before I could even say anything to the woman on the phone.

I told the woman that my husband is an instructor and that I need to get in contact with him because I think my daughter might be having seizures. I was also apologizing to her and told her I tried his other numbers but he’s not answering and I didn’t know how else to reach him.

She was extremely understanding and I told her his name and the situation with my little girl and she said she will get ahold of my husband right away.

During one of my daughter’s shaking episodes, I took notice that her eyes weren’t rolling in the back of her head and even though she was jerking around uncontrollably, she wasn’t arching her back and I started to think that instead of a seizure, she might be having an issue with low blood sugar since that was an issue she had when she was first born.

I took her downstairs and tried to get her to eat something. I was relieved that while she was eating a few graham crackers, she wasn’t having anymore of the shaking episodes and that’s when my husband called me. I told him what was going on and that he needs to get home right now.

We only have one car right now because before we moved here, we lived in the D.C. area and since they had the metro, one car was all we needed there. Here in Northern California it’s different but since we live really close to where my hubby works, when I need the car, he just bikes to work but he had the car yesterday.

As soon as he got home we rushed to the pediatrician and we were seen by one within a few minutes. We mentioned our daughter’s blood sugar issues that she had but he told us that since it was resolved when she was a newborn, it’s not likely that we need to worry about it. Unfortunately, it’s not going to stop me though and I know I will always worry about it.

When he examined her, he saw that she had a double ear infection. I felt like the worst mother in the world for not knowing and never saw her pulling on her ears. I just thought she had a regular cold. The doctor could see I was getting teary and told me that it’s common ear infections can come on quickly and I shouldn’t beat myself up over it.

He even told me that he’s seen children for their well baby check up in the morning and everything looked fine but then they’re brought back by the end of the day and it’s found within that time they developed an ear infection.

The pediatrician told us that the shaking our daughter was having was probably just the result of the pain that the ear infection is causing and the fact that she had just woken up feeling so bad. We had been given her tylenol and ibuprofen but knowing she has been in pain left me feeling horrible. When he left the room to write some prescriptions for the hummingbird, I broke out into tears.

Everything caught up with me. Seeing my daughter go through what I thought were seizures just an hour earlier had me feeling so helpless and I was also feeling like I didn’t handle the situation the way I should have. My hubby tried to comfort me and he said he would have done the same thing I did.

The hummingbird is still pretty sick and currently napping. I called my husband at work to see if he could work from home today, which he did, since I’m still so worried  about my little girl.

I hope in the next few days the medicine she’s on kicks the ear infection’s ass because I don’t think I can take much more of seeing her feel so bad. I know she wants that too so she can go back to her wild little hummingbird self.

Comments { 16 }

If you’re having cupcake problems, I feel for you mama. I’ve got 99 problems and making some damn cupcakes is one.

I thought it would be simple enough. Making cupcakes for my hubby’s birthday. I’ve made cupcakes before so how hard could it be to get the ingredients together and make some?  Two months before the big day, I found a recipe for Guinness cupcakes with Bailey’s frosting and knew it would be perfect. I thought if anything goes wrong at least I have a six-pack of beer.

I told the hubs I was making these before we went to do our weekly grocery shopping. We usually go to the store together since he does more of the cooking than I do. I also get kind of nervous when I take the little hummingbird to the store by myself because after making it halfway through the store, if not before, she wants to run around.

Not only that, I feel like I have a bajillion things to keep track of like my purse, her munchie mug, sippy cup, the shopping cart, the shopping list, and she’s zooming from aisle to aisle getting into everything. I usually have mommy brain and feel like I’ve had a lobotomy when grocery shopping so having my hubby with me helps.

One thing that drives me crazy is he doesn’t look at the shopping list until after we’ve gone through all of the aisles. He thinks I’m the weird one for wanting to have the list out while we’re shopping. *facepalm*

While we were at the store, he kept saying we already have some ingredients needed for the cupcakes but I would say we didn’t and we would go back and forth. Both of us we’re insistent. I would finally give in but tell him if we went home and found we didn’t have something after all, he would have to go back and get it later that week. He was so sure of himself but I knew he would need to go back.

What do ya know, he had to go back a few days later for some things he said we had but ended up not having even though I told him we didn’t have what he said we had. Got that? Okay.

The day before I was going to make them, I was getting out the things I would need non-perishable things of course and setting them on the counter so it would be there and ready to go. When it comes to having a toddler who may or may not nap on any given day which then makes me lose my mind, I wanted to make sure I didn’t have to worry about anything slowing me down. Also, I’m anal so there’s that.

I found there was a key ingredient that was missing. The freaking Guinness beer! My husband was already home from work and I asked him if he set it somewhere other than the typical place and he told me he thought I put it somewhere else. We didn’t have the damn beer for these effing cupcakes.

The hubs told me I should just make regular chocolate cupcakes. You work on commission right? Big mistake. HUGE! My crazy came out and I said I’ve been planning on making these cupcakes for months and I. will. make. them. That may not sound so bad but I growled the words. I’m pretty sure my eyes were glowing a devilish red while smoke blew out of my ears and I was levitating off of the floor.

Luckily, my husband had kept the grocery store receipt and it showed that we paid for the Guinness but it wasn’t put with the groceries so back to the effity eff store we went again.

We went right to the customer service desk and told them what happened. I was thinking it could go two ways. They would either say sorry, your loss or tell us to just grab the six-pack of Guinness. They didn’t do either.

There were two women and one of them picked up the phone and started talking to someone. She had our receipt and was telling this person the date we came in, our descriptions, and what time we checked out. Then I realized she was calling security. That’s when I started getting nervous and felt like I would pee my pants.

Not because we did anything wrong but because I knew that security was watching us on video when we had gone through the check out to see if the beer was put with our other groceries. I know they have cameras in the store but when I’ve made a return somewhere before, I’ve never had them go about it this way.

What I’m trying to put off saying is that I was kind of worried about what security would see on the video, especially because it sounded like they were giving the customer service lady a play by play. I was standing there wracking my brain and trying to remember what I was doing while we had been checking out a few days before.

Was I trying to get a wedgie out by doing an oompa loompa dance? Did it look like I was trying to shoplift? I get worried sometimes when I’m in a store and open up my purse for whatever reason because I think someone else may think I’m stealing something.

Another thing is for some reason I can get frisky with my hubby when we go grocery shopping. What? Maybe it’s the sight of all of that boxed cereal or fresh produce. It could be all of that glorious cheese that I want to devour on sight. I’ll give him a little slap on his bum or ahem, rub up against him and we’ll give each other an R rated cuddle while the little hummingbird is distracted with a box of crackers. What?

So, I was standing at the customer service desk and had some concern that they would see me make a grab for my husband’s family jewels about what they were seeing. It turns out the beer was put in the cart of the woman in front of us and she actually brought it back into the store when she realized the mistake.

Then the customer service woman gave us a store bag and told us that we just need to grab the beer and we could be on our way. We had to get a few other things and as we were checking out I kept my hands to myself and we told the cashier that the beer has already been paid for but as we were walking out of the store the wheels on our cart locked up and an alarm went off. Holly Hell! This damn store is like Fort Knox.

The next day, which was my hubby’s birthday, the hummingbird actually took her nap YAY!! and I was going through the recipe one more time. That’s when I saw that you need a mixer for the frosting. We have a hand mixer that I bought when we first got married.

I got it out from storage a few Thanksgiving’s ago to use it for the mashed potatoes but decided against it because after I cleaned it up and set it on the counter, some black clumps fell out of the mixer holes. It also looked like there were all kinds of spidery surprises that had crawled up into the engine. Blech.

Actually, even though it looked creepy and nasty, there probably wasn’t a spider family that made a home in my hand mixer but I have a crazy vivid imagination so once I get something in my mind, it stays there and I didn’t want the possibility of having chunky surprises in the frosting.

I guess I could have mixed the crap out of the frosting by hand but I just couldn’t see it coming out the way it was supposed to, all smooth and creamy. After the hummingbird got up from her nap, we were off to the store A-freaking-gain *cries*. I considered getting a cupcake mix but I was so done with the thought of making any damn cupcakes so I went to the bakery in the store and saw they had some fancy schmancy overpriced ones in the bakery case and got a few of those.

My cupcake problems were solved and my hubby had a happy birthday. I’m persistent though and have to make these Guinness cupcakes damn it so I bought a new hand mixer….that’s still in the box.

Maybe my hubby will get the cupcakes for his next birthday. Maybe.

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Just when I think it’s not possible to love my sweet little hummingbird more than I do, bam! I do. This isn’t some sort of invasion of the body snatchers type of situation. Believe it or not I don’t always bitch and whine. I know, shocker.

After we brought the little hummingbird home from the NICU it was so overwhelming. She had low blood sugar and when we were able to bring her home after 3 weeks in the hospital, she was on 2 medications given twice daily, we had to follow a strict feeding schedule, and 3 times a day we had to check her blood sugar which was agony and broke my heart.

We had no idea if the issue with her having low blood sugar would be temporary or if it would be something she would live with for the rest of her life.

We had to wipe her heel with an alcohol pad and then prick it with a lancet, try to keep her foot still to get enough blood on the test strip, hold a cotton swab on her heel to stop the bleeding, and put a band-aid on her poor little foot with one hand while putting the test strip in the glucose meter with the other hand all while having her cry and flail about.

Sometimes when we would lancet her heel, we wouldn’t get enough blood to test so we would have to do it a second time. It was freaking torture.  There were times when it was too difficult to get a cotton swab on her heel in time so she would be crying and kicking on her changing table and blood would get all over.

Seeing my 3 week old daughter kicking and screaming from something I caused made me feel so bad. While this seemed to feel like forever, when the hummingbird was 6 weeks, her blood sugar stabilized and she went off of her medications. We no longer had to deal with testing her glucose levels which was a huge relief.

Still, it didn’t stop me from worrying when she wouldn’t have much of her bottle. I would hear the “normal” amount that babies her age would be eating but it wasn’t until she was about 6 months old when she started having about 4 ounces of formula, if that, which still wasn’t considered the “normal” amount.

Since I’m lactose intolerant, I thought that might be part of the problem with her even though the doctors she went to said it wasn’t. But mama knows best and I put her on a formula with less lactose. While she still didn’t eat within the “normal” range, it seemed to help. So to doctors I say this: *blows raspberry*

Even though she’s in the clear and has been for quite some time, I still worry when she doesn’t eat much. If you have a toddler, you know that one day they’ll scarf their food but the next day they might eat very little.

The first year of mommyhood was hard for me because of my daughter’s issues and I had complications from my cesarean so it took longer to heal which meant a lot of pain and I had to have surgery 11 months later to correct the problem. 

Becoming a mom is such an adjustment. At least for me it was. To be honest, it’s something that I’m still trying to find a balance with. The hummingbird changes on a daily basis and it can be hard to keep up with her and everything she’s learning.

Not only is she racing around a hundred miles a minute, her brain seems to be doing the same. My daughter was a late talker and it’s only been in the past few months that she’s really been letting us hear her bad ass language skills. Most of what she says comes in the form of a question.

When I ask her if she’d like cheese for a snack, she runs to the fridge and then starts hopping around while saying cheese? cheese? One of the funniest things she’s been saying is I’m stuck which usually comes out I stuck.

I never knew those two words could be applied to so many things; a toy she can’t reach, when she’s behind a safety gate, if she can’t open a door because of the toddler proof thingamajigs we put on the door handles, when wanting to get out of her high chair….

On the weekends when my hubby gets up with her, she’ll run to our bedroom and try to climb up on the bed so usually the first thing I hear in the morning is I stuck I stuck, Maaahhhmeee, I stuck.

I loved my daughter as soon as I found out I was pregnant but at the same time pregnancy was surreal. Sometimes I would forget that I was growing a human in there that has to eventually come out. Eeeek!

The love for her grew as my stomach did. I loved laying in bed at night watching her move an elbow or a foot and have it poke up against my stomach and move all over. The first time that happened I freaked out because it seemed like something out of the movie Alien.

I also loved when she would get hiccups while I was pregnant. Even now I like to cuddle up with her when she has them because it brings me back to when it was just me and her.

After she was born and we had a scary start, the love I felt for her was so strong and it was pure torture hearing her cries when the nurses would have to reinsert an IV or take her blood.

She’s been on this earth for 2 years 3 months and just when I think I couldn’t love her anymore than I do, another day goes by and I realize the love I have for her continues to grow. After she’s asleep, I go into her room and watch her sleep, amazed that I helped create such a wonderful little girl.

It can be frustrating when she doesn’t nap, battles bedtime, is constantly testing me, won’t let me pee in peace, steps on the cat on purpose, throws her food on the floor because she’s mad but no matter what she does or who she grows up to be, she will ALWAYS have my heart. It also doesn’t hurt that I have xanax. heh.

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