If I had balls, they’d be hurting right now.

I’ve been wanting to eat healthier and work out more. Scratch that. I don’t really work out except for chasing my daughter around all day so to work out more, I would have had to of worked out in the first place.

*Sidenote. It drives me crazy when an annoying 6 pound actress says “I don’t work out or I just chase my kid around all day” when really they smoke like a chimney to suppress their appetite, work out a bajillion hours a day, and eat one carrot stick a day, maybe 1 1/2 carrot sticks if they didn’t finish the one from the day before.

Anywho, since last Monday I started eating better which meant no cadbury creme eggs for me cries and I also started doing the 30 Day Shred. I’m only on level one and the workout is kicking my ass. I felt okay afterwards but by the end of the day I became as stiff as, ahem, *insert bad joke here*.

By Wednesday morning, I felt like I had been kicked around by a horse, eaten, pooped out, and kicked all over again. I was sore everywhere. Even my elbows hurt.

I’ve been having a hard time trying to find the time to work out. I’ve been doing it when the hummingbird is supposed to be napping but I have so many other things to do in such a short amount of time. Now I have the urge to hear Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper.

I can’t do it after my hubby gets home because that’s the only time I have to write and I can’t do it later since I’m such an insomniac. The last thing I need is to exercise at night and get even more hyped up before bed. And you couldn’t pay me to get up earlier than my daughter does in the morning so I can exercise.

When the hummingbird was in her Caillou trance a few days ago, I went to get a quick shower. While I was trying to remember whether or not I conditioned my hair, I thought I should just exercise while the little hummingbird is playing in the living room.

Brilliant!

She does her little toddler things that keep her occupied. Like putting her sandles on. Then taking them off.  Then putting them on again. Then she takes only one off, leaves the other one on, and runs laps around the room.

So I brought my exercise mat, weights, and the badass Jillian Michaels dvd into the living room and set up.

I made sure the little girl had a snack but since the munchie mugs (which I love because she can’t get the lid off like some other snack cups) were in the dishwasher, I just got out one of her bowls and gave her crackers. Awesome crackers. Awesome roasted gorgonzola crackers that we get from Trader Joe’s. I was so tempted to scarf some but I didn’t.

I gave her the bowl of crackers and as I went to press play on the dvd player, my little girl made herself right at home on my exercise mat. The exercise mat that was covered in yummy roasted gorgonzola crackers a few seconds later. I scooped the crackers back in the bowl and ran over to get my weights as Jillian was telling me to move my ass. Okay, she really didn’t tell me that but damn, the woman is intimidating.

When my little girl went to stand up, her bowl of crackers went flying all over the mat again. I scooped them up a second time and went to do push ups while my hands crunched the crumbs of the crackers into my exercise mat. Then the hummingbird thought push ups were the most hysterical thing and was laughing at me while hitting me on the head.

I started laughing which made my already sore stomach even worse. I tried to stop laughing and focus because I feared that Jillian Michaels would kick my ass if I didn’t. Then as I went to do the cardio, my little girl accidentally dumped her bowl of crackers on the mat a third time. She still doesn’t understand that you have to hold both sides of a bowl or plate up, hence the munchie mugs I normally use.

While I was doing my arm lifts with the weights, I was thinking how kids are like cats. They ignore you but as soon as you show interest in something, they’re all like oh no you don’t, I’m just going to lay on top of the newspaper so you can’t read it. In the case of my daughter, who was happily occupied in her playhouse beforehand, she had to have my full attention when I started exercising.

Since I was in such deep thought ha, I didn’t notice my daughter walking towards the left side of me as I was lowering my arms and I bonked her on the head with one of my weights.

At first she didn’t react but I freaked out. I immediately picked her up and was giving her kisses while looking for any damage. That’s when she began to scream and cry while tears were pouring down her face. Way to go me for scaring her more with my reaction.

After only a few minutes all was well again because I turned on Caillou and I decided the 30 Day Shred and toddlers who ignore you any other time except when you want to exercise don’t mix so I’ll just have to work out when she’s taking her “nap”.

I say “nap” because she rarely naps anymore and spends her “quiet time” in her crib being really, really loud. Jump, jump, bang, jump, bang, jump, jump. I can hear her throughout the entire house and I get a nervous tic.

That’s okay though since I will forever feel bad for bonking her on the head with a 3 pound weight so we’re even. But I’m taking advice from The Momsmith after an earlier mishap and will never tell my daughter about it when she gets older since she’ll use it against me. This will just be our little secret.  :^)

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time (Now I also have the urge to see Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion.)

Comments { 14 }

If this doesn’t prove I’m certifiable, I don’t know what will.

I have superstitions and things that have to be a certain way. Some things are OCD, some are just weird which I guess is one in the same. I have a ton of them but I’ll keep it short.

The number 13 freaks me out. I try to avoid making any doctor appointments or do anything of importance on the 13th. Sometimes I’ll get reactions from the people I’m making an appointment with when I tell them any day but the 13th and then they look at me like the loony person I am.

I got married on July 8th but several family members were coming into town a few days later and it was suggested that the date be changed to the 13th. No way! I might as well have walked under a ladder as I was going down the aisle while having a black cat crossing my path.

I don’t care if I’ve been impaled or my head has been cut off in some freak accident. I won’t see a doctor or have surgery to sew my head back on unless it’s on another date.

~~~

One of the highlights of my week is picking out the designs of the paper towels I get when I go to the grocery store. Woohoo, I’m so exciting!

Also I’m a paper towel slut even though I really try to be green. But as Kermit the Frog says, “It’s not easy being green”. The thought of wiping my clean hands on a cloth towel right before I prepare food gets me all twitchy.

I think of the millions of germs and plague spreading all over the towel.

~~~

It drives me crazy when my husband has something hanging out of a dresser drawer or a bag sticking out of one of the bins in the refrigerator. One time while I was in the shower, I heard him opening and closing the dresser drawers and knew he was up to something.

When I walked into the bedroom I saw that not only did he deliberately have clothes hanging out of his drawers to drive me crazy, he also did it to my dresser. I thought it was pretty hilarious but annoying at the same time since I had to open and close 10 dresser drawers and stuff the clothes back in.

He was waiting outside the bedroom for my reaction and I chased him around the house so I could strangle him. Actually it was more like a waddle since I was about 9 months pregnant so unfortunately he got away. Damn!

~~~

I absolutely, positively hate to drive and will do almost anything or make any excuse to get out of it. I go into panic mode because other people seem to do everything but drive while they’re in the car. Once I’m finally on the road I calm down and I think it’s not so bad but then the panic sets in the next time and the time after that.

Last week my hubby drove us to a doctor’s appointment and the guy behind our car was way too close. There was someone making a left turn so the hubs slowed down as one does in that situation and the asswipe behind us starts speeding up and tries to swerve around us.

Then he had the nerve to lay on his horn. Since the hummingbird was in the car, I got all Mama Bear. My husband told me to relax and that he would take care of it which meant he wasn’t going to do anything.

I turned around to look at the guy and while I really wanted to give him the finger, I kept on putting my hand up in a stop and back off motion while pointing at my baby girl in her car seat. I’m sure I looked completely sane. heh. It worked and the guy backed off.

I need to win the lottery so I can get a chaffeur….and a chef….and a personal hairstylist…and..and…

So I don’t feel like a total freak, what are some of your idiosyncrasies?

Comments { 19 }

We have entered the “No” stage. Hold me!

Would you like a snack? NO! Where’s the kitty? NO! Look at the birdie. NO! Give mama a kiss. MWAH!

That last one is the only thing keeping me sane from all of the NO’s that the little hummingbird has been saying lately.

Usually when I ask her anything, she replies with NO! Even if she just asked me for something and I didn’t hear her, I’ll ask her what she wanted and she’ll say NO!

Holy cow balls!

The hummingbird was a late talker. Since she was about a year old, I was so worried about her lack of speech.

It didn’t help when I would hear other moms say their child started talking at 4 months and was reciting Shakespeare by 10 months. Excuse me a second.

Hahahahahaha.

Okay, I’m back. Even though I hear these moms talking about their genius children, I’m still impressed by my little girl’s burps and farts. My child can burp like a grown man and can clear a room with her gassy bum so neener neener neener.

My husband and I knew that she could understand what we were saying and she was able to follow simple instructions. She just wasn’t saying that many words though, most of it was gibberish.

She went for a regular check-up when she was 14 months old and when her pediatrician asked us all the words our daughter could say, my hubby and I looked at each other and showed off our awesome verbal skills by saying Uhhhhhh?

My husband started to remember bits and pieces of how when he was younger, he basically refused to talk. When he was 3 he was only saying about 20 words. His parents took him to specialists and they gave us a copy of the five-page report last November.

After all of these tests and interviews, the report concluded that he just didn’t feel like talking. That’s all it was.

Since this past winter, the little hummingbird has been busting out her language skills and continues to wow us.

When I look back, it seems like she was just taking in all of the speech and then once she was ready, she just started talking. Now she won’t stop talking although we don’t always know what she’s saying.

On Christmas day, one of the presents we got her was a little picnic table. It wasn’t until we played back the video of her with it that we realized she had said table, twice.

We’re obviously very observant not.

As far as her saying NO!, I hope it continues until she’s at least 30. Oh please, oh please!

Comments { 6 }

Sweet Revenge.


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