Had a crappy day? Make it better with Ryan Gosling and Mark Ruffalo.

I’ve had a pretty rough week so I needed to post something lighthearted. On Monday our cleaning lady came over and brought her tween daughter with her, saying that her kid wasn’t feeling well and she really didn’t want to leave her at home alone.

I was fine with it since the little hummingbird and I stay out of the way when she comes over. At the same time when our cleaning lady told us she thinks her daughter has some kind of stomach bug, I though oh f*ck. The last thing I need is my 2 year old getting sick.

I’m sure you can guess that now me and my little girl have that effing stomach bug. The poor hummingbird was actually laying down for her nap yesterday and then I heard blood curdling screams from her. I ran into her room and she had puked all over. Oy!

In light of this, let’s look at some hot guys. Yeah, baby!

I think by now my Mark Ruffalo obsession is pretty obvious but I just saw a movie with Ryan Gosling and as dark as it was, it was really freaking incredible and a well acted film. It’s called All Good Things and is based on a true story.

It also has Kirsten Dunst in it and, ahem, she looked really hot she really kicked ass in her role. So, if you’re looking for a movie to watch, give All Good Things a try. Just know it’s not a snuggly and cuddly sweet film.

Maybe it’s just me but when Ryan is shirtless, I pretty much need a bucket to catch the drool.

Oh my!

Photo Credit: Warner Bros

It’s getting hot in here, right?

Photo Credit: Google Images

Hellloooo Mark!

Photo Credit: Google Images

*swoon*

Photo Credit: Google Images

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Silence.

*I wrote this last year. I hate that another year has gone by without you. I miss you, Danielle, more than ever.

The other day I was wondering what you were doing but then I remembered you were gone. I can’t believe it’s been seven years since you left us so early. Even though we didn’t always get along, I loved you like a sister.

It’s not surprising, we had known each other since preschool. Our moms were great friends. We would spend Christmas Eve at your house and get a personal appearance from Santa Claus.

I even remember being at your house when they debuted Michael Jackson’s video, Thriller. Your mom was peeking through her fingers the entire time. As you got older, you grew your hair long. It was the most beautiful brown hair I have seen.

You were at my wedding but I was so overwhelmed with people that I never got a chance to say hello. I’ve seen my wedding video and watched as you stood aside while I greeted people. There is so much guilt I feel because of that.

You moved out of the small town where we lived. I had moved away several years before. You got married but by then we had lost touch. I would always ask my mom how you were.

I’ll never know what led you to take your own life on that day. Your mom has never recovered. Nobody will be the same. The shock of it was with me for months and then disbelief set it. It has been with me since.

I was never angry at you but I wish you would have talked to someone, anyone. I still can’t accept that you are no longer here, even after seven years. So I will continue to catch myself wondering what you’re doing.

*www.save.org/

*National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8288

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Why do these twisted a-holes have to torture us with obnoxious cartoons?! Because they’re sadistic bastards, that’s why.

I’m sure we’ve all been there. Needing to take a shower or inhale some food and having to find some distraction for our kids in the meantime. Enter the cartoons from hell. As you might know if you’ve been reading my blog for some time, the little hummingbird was absolutely obsessed with Caillou.

I never knew I could hate a little kid, despite one that was animated. Caillou is the biggest little effer I’ve come across. I got to the point where I would rather chop off my own arm and eat it rather than even hear the sound of his voice. He tortured me for months but since mommyhood can be painful, I put up with it because he made the hummingbird happy as well as distracting her so I wouldn’t make myself gag from lack of hygiene.

I vented on this here blog by doing a few Caillou cartoons; I’m just a kid who’s 4. Each day I whine some more. I torture parents. I’m Caillou. and Bill the squirrel and his big nuts vs. Caillou. So, he ends up decapitated in both…a mom can dream, right?

I even put a smile on my face and on the little hummingbirds 2nd BIRTHDAY!!, we got her a Caillou birthday cake.

There’s also been cartoons she’s watched like Max and Ruby and all I want to do is yell at the television Where in the hell are your parents!!! Thankfully the hummingbird hasn’t taken a liking to Barney because holy hell, I would lose my shit.

A few months ago, in my quest to find something that wasn’t as obnoxious as Caillou, I DVR’d several kids shows. There was Yo Gabba Gabba – what in the hell are these people smoking? Dora The Explorer – We were only a few minutes in when I wanted to smash my television…and a few others that I’ve burned from my memory.

I tried to have her get on board with my all time favorite, The Smurfs, but my daughter wasn’t having any of it. As much as *enter Whitney Houston singing* I-I-I-I-I will alwaaaayyyyssss loooooove Sesame Street, my little girl seems over that show already. Sniff. Then we came across a cartoon that didn’t make me want to pull a Dexter.

Little Bear.

Photo Credit: Nick Jr.

Sure I can feel stabby when the hummingbird wants to watch it over and over and over again but it’s the first kids show, besides the older Sesame Street episodes, where I don’t feel like jumping out of the window. It’s a total win-win.

None of the characters on the show really whine, the music is soft and gentle, and it’s not Caillou! As my 2 year-old says, HOORAY! It’s not perfect but this mama will take it over all the other shows out there.

That is until the hummingbird moves on to something else even more obnoxious and annoying, like Justin Bieber. Then you’ll find me eating my own arm.

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Tips on how to avoid cooking and cleaning when you’re allergic to it.

When it comes to being a stay at home mom, I know I can do better but there are times I can be so burnt out and exhausted when it comes to doing the same thing every day; giving the little hummingbird her breakfast, cleaning her up afterwards, cleaning her high chair and tray, letting her watch some obnoxious kids cartoon, giving her a snack, not having her like the snack I give her and finding something else, taking her to the park, trying to walk back home and having her throw a tantrum because she’s not ready to go home yet, giving her lunch, cleaning up, trying to get her to take a nap or at least have some quiet time in her room so I can have a little bit of peace, not having her give me any peace, and on and on for the rest of the day.

While I’m doing all of this with the hummingbird, I don’t really have time to do much else. Okay, scratch that. I know I can make the time to do these things but I just don’t want to. There, I said it. I know my husband works hard at his job but so do I. Not only that, he doesn’t have a 2 1/2 year old dictator boss that he has to deal with day after day. When it comes to his job he’s pretty much left alone in his office or in the classroom teaching. That sounds like paradise to me.

Problem – The dishwasher is full of clean dishes and the dishes in the sink are piling up. You’ve spent an exhausting morning dealing with a cranky toddler and you just want to lay your kid down for a nap so you can catch up on one of the several episodes of The Real Housewives that have been on your DVR for the past few months.

Solution – Forget the dishes and veg out in front of the television for an hour. You deserve it. When your husband comes home from work tell him that the oddest thing happened. You had planned on doing the dishes but not only did the electricity go out, so did the water.

Before he has a chance to question you, also make sure to tell him your child refused to nap even if they actually didn’t. Then really bring it home by telling him how tired you are and bring your hand up to your head saying you have the worst headache ever and you really need to lay down for a bit.

Problem – The laundry is piling up.

Solution – What laundry? I don’t see any dirty laundry.

Problem – The trash can is full.

Solution – Put on your shoes and smash the trash down as far as it will go. Later that night, right before bed, say oh by the way, can you take the trash out? and then run like hell into the bedroom and lay in bed, pretending that you’ve already fallen asleep. He’s still in his clothes but unless he’s a meanie, he wouldn’t dare wake his sleeping wife to take the trash out.

Problem – Cooking dinner.

Solution – Tell him you have raging PMS and your cramps are so bad that you can barely stand up. Add a few owwws and ohhhsss. By the time the take-out he ordered comes, you’ve miraculously recovered.

Problem – You see commercials for Hoarders: Buried Alive and you wonder when the camera crew came to your house.

Solution – Stay strong and be really stubborn. After 16 years of marriage, FINALLY convince your hubby that you need to get a cleaning lady to come once a week.

If all else fails, promising oral sex has always worked for me.

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A blind date from hell with a guy wearing mom jeans and a bad dye job.

This guest post comes from Kim who is the author of the awesome blog Hardtales. Kim needs an award for being as nice as she was with the blind date from hell, especially after the text message he sent her when she declined a second date.

Q and A with Kim.

Elle: If you could be stuck in an elevator with anyone who would it be?

Kim: I am afraid of elevators, so I try to take the stairs.

Elle: If you could drop everything and go anywhere (real or fantasy) in the world, where would it be?

Kim: Right now, in the thick of Fall…Northern Vermont.

Elle: Favorite guilty pleasure?

Kim: Easy. US Weekly. And Gummi Cola Bottles.

Elle: If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never have to hear about them again, who would it be?

Kim: Lindsay Lohan.

Elle: Which would you rather win? An Oscar, a Grammy, or a Tony.

Kim: An Oscar…just to have walked the red carpet in a ridiculously beautiful gown and hot shoes.

Elle: What’s one of your favorite books?

Kim: Blood, Bones and Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton.

Elle: What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house and/or brings you back to your teen years?

Kim: Bizarre Love Triangle (New Order).

Elle: A favorite non-mommy activity?

Kim: Ripping through the woods on my bike.

Elle: What’s a favorite book that you like to read to your kids?

Kim: Where the Wild Things Are (Max is my son’s namesake).

Elle: What kids cartoon or character makes you want to bang your head against a spike?

Kim: Caillou!! ~ I think I have a girl crush on Kim – Elle

Elle: What’s one of your favorite movies?

Kim: “Once” (sigh…I think I need to watch it again soon) ~ Yep, I definitely have a girl crush on Kim now. – Elle

                    

A Blind Date From Hell.

After a rather long and unwieldy string of bad dates, dead-end set-ups by well meaning friends, and stalkerish attempts at “relationships”, I finally braved my first blind date ever.

Adam & I agreed to meet in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor on an unusually warm and sunny day in late February.

Baltimore is a two hour drive for me, but my dating skills (or lack thereof) desperately needed sharpening so I charged down I95 with an open mind and tunes blaring.

What I first noticed upon meeting Adam was his odd choice of hair dye and the fact that he was wearing Mom Jeans.

He was wearing Mom Jeans.

Open mind open mind open mind…don’t judge don’t judge don’t judge.

Adam suggested lunch at the Cheesecake Factory and my heart sank as we walked past a charming bistro and a cool sushi joint.

Really, Adam??…I drove to Inner Harbor to have lunch at the Cheesecake Factory?

As we waited for our meals, Adam proceeded to set up his travel Scrabble game on the table.

Open mind open mind…

“Please don’t get this greasy,” he chided.

Scrabble was awful…I wanted so badly to make lewd words, but my letters weren’t cooperating. Needless to say, I am more of an Apples to Apples or Cranium kind of girl…usually accompanied by good friends and hoppy adult beverages.

Adam was a slow eater and an even slower, yet very serious Scrabble competitor.

As the check arrived, our awkward conversation grinded to a halt and Adam began to clean up his game.

“Would you mind helping me put this away?” he said.

I paid the check (tip, too…rrrrrrrr!) and plotted my quick exit.

“How bout I take you out for some ice cream since you paid for lunch?” he offered.

“Oh, no thanks…I have to get on the road. Long drive.”

We shook hands and he leaned in for a hug, insisting we meet again sometime soon.

I could smell the hair dye.

Frantically, I darted across the street to score some cash from an ATM for tolls on my drive home.

Adam texted me that evening to make sure I made it home safely.

When I declined a second date, he replied with this gem via text, “You are the most boring person I have ever met. You should really do something about that mole next to your eye. It’s very distracting and unattractive.”

That was my first and only blind date.

I haven’t played Scrabble since.

And I’m getting married this spring to my Best First Date Ever.

Thanks for reading!

~ If you would like to write a guest post then drop me an email at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

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After becoming a mom, peeing in peace has become a luxury.

I have found this to be so true! They don’t tell you this in baby books.

                   

Here are some more things that I hope put a smile on your face.

                

                   

                

               

*All photos found on Pinterest.

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Writer’s block. I have it.

*This post might seem disjointed and all over the place. Sorry about that.

I’ve had massive writer’s block for the past several weeks. It’s because I recently started a couple of new medications and I’ve been feeling like a zombie. Minus the whole brain eating which is a good thing because I’m sure the blood stains I would get on my clothes would be a pain in the ass to remove.

I’m sitting here watching Under The Tuscan Sun for the second time today in a daze while the little hummingbird is supposed to be napping but instead she’s running around her room causing havoc since she now has a big girl bed.

Here’s the thing. I haven’t felt “right” for several years and I would tell doctors but they either wouldn’t listen or they would say nothing was wrong. It was my ENT doctor aka Dr. Cool who actually listened to the problems I was having. I love that guy. He set me up with another doctor and I recently found out that I have fibromyalgia.

I was put on Cymbalta and after that I went to Dr. Cool because my face still feels like it’s on fire and he thinks I have nerve damage which was caused by the two sinus surgeries I’ve had. So he put me on a med that I take three times a day.

Enter Zombie Mom.

The two medications are kicking my ass while I get used to them. I am so spaced out and probably the laziest mom right now because the meds make me feel so exhausted. I’m scheduled to see a pain management doctor the first week of November and it can’t come soon enough. Maybe he can give me something that doesn’t make me as zombie-ish.

I’m feeling really sucky because several of us have worked so hard to start the group website, Motherhood Uncovered, and now here I am feeling like Courtney Love and Linsay Lohan’s love child. I know the most important thing is to concentrate on my health when it comes to fibromyalgia.

For the people who don’t really know or understand what it is, there are times when I have these pain flare ups and it feels like my body is battling against itself. Other times it hurts to do the simplest things like get out of bed. There are even days when my skin feels so sensitive and my body hurts so much that I can’t even wear my wedding ring or put on my watch.

There’s so much more to it but I won’t bore you to death.

On one hand I’m glad that I finally found that there is something wrong after all. I had to battle so many doctors who didn’t think there was a problem. On the other hand, fuck! Finding out I have fibromyalgia has been a hard thing to deal with emotionally, especially since there’s been so many other things going on.

I also feel like I’m letting down everyone at MU because here I am, the “boss lady”, and right now while my body is getting used to the meds, I just don’t feel like I’m doing as much as I should be.

So, while I’m getting used to these meds I thought about having some more guest bloggers on my site since I’ll be writing sporadically for the next few weeks. In August I asked you to write about your most embarrassing moments and I loved every post.

This time I’ll give you more than one option. If you don’t like anything I suggest then you can just write about anything you want. And if you’re new to my blog, you don’t have to have your own blog to write a post.

1. Write about your worst date. Or you can write about a relationship you had where you now look back and say to yourself What in the hell was I thinking by dating this guy?!

2. Write about your proudest moment.

3. Write about your favorite vacation or your vacation from hell.

4. Write about a holiday from hell.

If you want to remain anonymous then just let me know. Email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

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