If it was Miley Cyrus that got run over by a bulldozer then this might not have been as embarrassing and people would be thanking me.

Yesterday I asked for some embarrassing moments and Elle P. from Spill The Beans, who is a mama to 3 boys, sure did deliver. She always makes me laugh to the point of peeing myself so make sure you have some towels handy.

Here are some great posts from Elle:

Devil Bird~these effers freak me out too and my husband gets the greatest enjoyment out of seeing my reaction whenever we come across one which thanfully isn’t that often.

Manic Monday~this is a post in which after reading, you’ll want to send Elle large quantites of alcohol. The Naked Cowboy~where she talks to the Naked Cowboy from Times Square.

Censoring the 4 Year Old~I know this day will be coming soon with the little hummingbird. Daytime Drama~Oy! I dread the day this happens even more.

Q and A with Elle P. 

Elle: If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never had to hear about them again, who would it be?

Elle P: OMG, I would love to get rid of Miley Cyrus.  I can not stand the sight, nor the sound of her.  That chick CAN NOT SING and SHOULD NOT BE FAMOUS for anything, ever.

Elle: What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house and/or brings you back to your teen years?

Elle P: Moves like Jaggar by Maroon 5.  L-O-V-E love that song…. I don’t dance around my house too often I usually just jam out to it in my minivan.  Stop laughing!  My minivan RULES.  Oh who am I kidding- I call it The Loser Cruiser.

Elle: If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

Elle P: E- Other.  I would choose garlic.  In Plants vs. Zombies, they hate the taste of garlic and move on to another plant.  So in real life?  I will fight them off with garlic and they will move onto other brains.  Like maybe Miley Cyrus’.  Bwahahahahahahahah!

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Birthday Cake Phobia.

It happened September 2nd in 2005, when my older boys were 5 and 3 1/2. That is when I developed an intense… hmmm… fear may be a little strong but I’m dramatic, so we’ll go with it… I developed an intense FEAR for childrens’ birthday parties, held in public places. Specifically, the birthday cakes.

My neighbor and I decided to take our kids to an indoor playground/moon bounce place. The kids were having a blast, running, jumping and playing. After awhile, I realized that I hadn’t seen them in a few minutes.

Just as I started to look for them, my friend’s daughter (also 3 1/2) runs over to me and says “Elle! Your boys are over there, with the birthday party and they are playing with the cake!!!!”

I ran toward where she was pointing and as I rounded the corner, I could hear them happily saying, “Vroom, vroom! Beep, beep, beep!  Errrr!”

They had found a cake similar to the one above and… you may need to sit down for this… were playing with the construction trucks ON TOP OF THE CAKE.  They had smeared the icing, with the tires of the trucks, all over the cake; including where it said “Happy Birthday”. 

Of course, I started shrieking and freaking out.  I then, red-faced and on the verge of tears, found the parents from the party and along with the boys, apologized.  They were understandably upset but very gracious. 

I begged them to let me pay for the cake, but they kindly refused.  Before leaving, I did find the owner of the moon bounce place, explained what happened and gave him money to put toward the party. 

I found out later that he redesigned the layout of his indoor play place, and had the birthday party area completely sectioned off and unavailable to the general public.  I wholeheartedly believe this was because of my children.

People of the Internet, there are no words to describe just how utterly and completely mortified I was.  Everyone who knows about this story assures me that someday I will laugh about it. 

It has been 4 years and I am so not there yet.  In fact, I have been thinking about asking my doctor for anti-anxiety meds to take only when attending children’s birthday parties.

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What’s your most embarrassing moment?

Since the in-laws have been here for 4 days and I’m still throwing myself a pity party and don’t feel much like writing this week, I have an idea. I would love to have guest posters this week and the theme can be writing about an embarrassing moment.

Whether it’s about that hair do you had in high school (I don’t know what the hell I was thinking), a first date you went on and then realized you had something stuck in your tooth through most of it (I wouldn’t know anything about that…ha), anything.

You also don’t have to have your own blog to write a guest post. If you do have a blog and have written about something like this already, you can still use it.

It doesn’t have to be a long post and I might even put up a few in each post. So come on ladies, lets hear about something that still makes you want to sink into the floor and become invisible.

I’ll still do the Q & A which you can find below. You can pick which 3 you want to answer and send that along with your post to elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

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Q and A

1. If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

2. If you could be stuck in an elevator with anyone who would it be?

3.  If you could drop everything and go anywhere (real or fantasy) in the world, where would it be?

4. Favorite guilty pleasure?

5. If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never had to hear about them again, who would it be?

6. Which would you rather win? An Oscar, a Grammy, or a Tony.

7. What’s one of your favorite books?

8. What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house and/or brings you back to your teen years?

9. A favorite non-mommy activity?

10. What’s a favorite book that you like to read to your kids?

11. What kids cartoon or character makes you want to bang your head against a spike?

12. What’s one of your favorite movies?

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Total Recall Sunday: When you wish upon a star…and it’s stuck…up where?!

I’m putting my “blog of the week” back up. I love finding new ones and mentioning blogs that I’ve been reading for awhile. Basically, I love spreading bloggy love around. It’s kind of like sex well not really but with zero chance of getting an STD. Awesome? I say yes!

The blog of the week is City Momma who I find to be a wonderful and beautiful writer. She’s a new mom with a new blog and she also just started a 30 day blog challenge so I’ve gotten to know quite a bit about her.

A few must read posts from her are The Things No One Tells You about becoming a new mom, and this beautifully written post Yes, it’s a mushy, my baby is so inspiring, thought.

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I know this is Total Recall Sunday but I think I’m going to start putting the post up on Saturday night just for the hell of it.

This is a post I wrote around the holidays last year but I thought it was fitting seeing that my in-laws have been here since Friday. Oh dear gawd, help me!

And now on to a Christmas star stuck up my MIL’s bum because I’m classy like that and such an effing lady. heh.

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When you wish upon a star…and it’s stuck…up where?!

November 22, 2010

We are now on our way to spend the rest of the week with my family. Yay! Yesterday while at the in-laws, we were in the living room and my FIL and hubby were in a deep discussion about which is better, east coast or west coast rap.

Just go with me on this.

My MIL got up to grab a newspaper from 1992 that had a very compelling article, swaying people towards east coast rap.

When she was walking over to the newspaper stack, I saw something that shocked me. I finally realized why she has been so mean and insulting to me all of these years.

You are not alone. There is help for Christmas stars stuck up someone's butt.

I can’t believe she’s never talked about this problem. I learned from Dr. Google that this has deeply affected many others over the years.

Most are too ashamed to talk about this but my wish is that they know they’re not alone.

My MIL has been carrying this around for years and in one second of forgetting who she was, she unclenched and the star was finally free. The Christmas star was pretty shaken up and needed some time alone outside with a few glasses of wine.

Later that night, the star came to me and while he was fuzzy on the details, he thinks his incredibly daunting journey started around Thanksgiving 1970.

He said that before then, he had lost much of his family to this awful problem of “can’t take the stick out-itis”. Star told me that my MIL and her family were in such a rush to get the tree up and untangle the lights.

He thought my MIL saw him lying on the couch and then everything went dark.

After using several handi-wipes and a bottle of disinfectant, he was starting to feel like his old self. I was able to take him to the neighbors who gladly welcomed him into their home. They even promised Star that he can sit on top of their tree for the rest of his days.

Sadly some aren’t as lucky and remain up the butts of many. The solution is simple, unclench. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to make much of a difference with my MIL.

Then again, a wooden post my in-laws had in their backyard has gone missing. Hmmm……

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Total Recall Sunday is pretty simple. Just add a post you wrote whether it’s something from a year ago or even last week. It can also be a post that you really love but it went unnoticed.

The linky I’m using will open up into another page but I will add your post on this page for easier access. Also if you’d like, please give others who link up some bloggy love. I’ve been meaning to check out everyone you has been linking up since I started this a few weeks ago but had a brain freeze without the ice cream.

If you check out a link or two then leave a comment if you wish. After that do 20 jumping jacks, 10 push ups, and mix it up with the running man and the cabbage patch dance. Or you can just say f*ck it and eat a brownie.

And no, I’m not poking a little fun at certain giveaways that people have where you enter by liking their blog, like the product on Facebook, give up your first born, etc., etc. Okay maybe I am a tiny bit. :^)

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1. Spill The Beans~Manic Monday. What are your Monday’s like?

2. Reasons To Skip The Housework~My Junk Drawer. What’s in your junk drawer?

3.

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Our newest addition. Not to be confused with Bobby Brown’s New Edition.

We went to the pet adoption center last week. It was where we found our kitty, Maisy, and I was hoping to get a second cat.

My hubby was less than thrilled with the idea but then we saw this 2 month old kitten named Cupcake. It was love at first site for me. We brought her home Wednesday afternoon and she’s been keeping us very busy. Maisy still isn’t sure about her and seeing the two of them together is quite a sight. Maisy is such a big cat and our new kitten is so tiny.

The little hummingbird is so excited and we’re still working on teaching her that she has to be much more gentle with Cupcake. My hubby and I had planned on sticking with that name but I started thinking of others.

I was online Wednesday night and went through tons of names. Then I saw what I think is the absolute perfectly perfect name for our new little kitten. It also doesn’t hurt that me and the hubby were huge fans of the show Lost. The first few times I said the name, I tried to say it in a Scottish accent like Desmond. Yep. I’m odd.

So, I would love to introduce you to our newest and cutest addition…..

Penny!

I’m sure you know what comes next. Some cutie patootie pictures of Penny. This is one of the few times I was able to take photos of her without the pics coming out in a big blur.

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It’s been over 15 years since we’ve had a kitten so I’ve forgotten just how psycho hyper they are. My arms and hands are all scratched up so it looks like Wolverine attacked me.

Since yesterday I’ve been trying to explain to Penny that my in-laws will be here tonight so she needs to make sure to make a mad dash onto my mother-in-law’s back and sink her claws in her but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t really understand what I’m saying. She is only 2 months old after all.

I have to mention that this short post has been an enormous undertaking because *I’m saying this in my Scottish Desmond accent* Pennnyyyyy! keeps on attacking my hands as I type this and jumping on my laptop keyboard.

She’s also trying to chew on the power cord but I told her I really don’t want to have a fried kitty like the one in the National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation movie.

I’ll leave you with this. Last night when my hubby was reading a magazine before bed, he took one of the magazine’s inserts and made a little hat out of it. He put it on Penny’s butt and said look, now she has an asshat.

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I can always count on my mother-in-law to make me feel stabby.

No matter how much I try to get along with my MIL and keep the peace she apparently doesn’t want the same thing. I swear it’s like she enjoys being awful to me.

After going back and forth several times on whether or not I should tell her about what I’ve been going through with the loss I had as well as the depression I’ve been having, I made the unfortunate decision to tell her.

I had hoped she would understand why I might seem distant and why my emotions will be raw when they come to visit this weekend. I also know that she’s dealt with a miscarriage about 5 years after she had my hubby.

I didn’t just call her up and say hey guess what? We talked for a while and I asked her if she would like to go with me to get a pedicure while the little hummingbird maybe takes her nap Saturday afternoon and my hubby and his dad stay home so they can have some time together.

My MIL sounded less than thrilled since my in-laws don’t seem to believe in doing things separately or having one on one time with my hubby and his sister. They always have to talk on the phone at the same time with them (separate phone calls rarely happen) and I know my hubby adores hanging out with his dad but that’s not something that happens too often either.

While we were talking, one of the things I brought up was that I’ve been showing the little hummingbird pictures of her grandparents. I told my mother-in-law that the hummingbird can’t really say grandma but says pa pa in place of grandpa.

That’s when she said that it’s only fair I teach my little girl to call her mama. I was speechless but in my mind I was thinking are you effing kidding me?! Maybe I’m overreacting but I’m the hummingbird’s maahmeee and there’s no way I think it’s right to have her call her grandmother mama. I had plenty to say when it came to that but I ended up saying something like I’m sure she’ll learn to say grandma soon enough.

After talking some more I brought up that I had miscarried recently and we talked about it for a few minutes. I didn’t expect much from her which was a good thing because she never asked how I was doing and she didn’t say that she was sorry I had been through that. It was odd because she told me that she had actually been through 2 of them and I was the one telling her how sorry I was that she went through that.

I wanted to give her a heads up that my emotions are still pretty raw and so when they visit us this weekend I might not be myself. That’s when she chimed in and said you mean you’ll be more testy than usual then. Really lady?

Last time they were here there was one night when they were getting ready to go to their hotel room. I was flipping through the channels and saw that Ocean’s Eleven was on so I kept that on so I had something to do while they ignored me and were talking with my hubby.

He left the room for something and there was this awkward moment between the three of us. I couldn’t take the awkward silence so I mentioned that Brad Pitt used to be pretty cute back then but Angelina seems to have sucked the hot out of him, then I laughed. They weren’t amused and I thought oh well.

That was the most I had said during their entire visit and if my MIL considers that to be “testy” then so be it. I told my hubby about the conversation I had with his mom (there was more that she said but it’s her typical passive aggressive stuff) and he said what he always says which is “that seems out of character for her”.

I’m not trying to have my husband against his own mother but I always tell him that the way she acts towards me and the types of things she says is actually very typical of her but he just doesn’t want to see it.

So, it looks like when it comes to my in-laws upcoming visit I’ll be on my own as usual. I was talking to my mom about it and she said with what I’m going through, don’t put up with my MIL’s shit like I normally do. With my emotions all over the place this should make for a very long 4 days.

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My uterus and some drunk lady walk into a bar…

I’m still having a pity party so I haven’t felt like writing that much lately. I went to an ob/gyn on Monday and it was so difficult. There were several pregnant women coming and going and there were a few times when I couldn’t help but break down.

The gyno said physically everything looks okay. The one problem is that I have fibroids and it’s his opinion that the miscarriage has caused them to flare up which could be why I’m in so much pain.

Right now I’m just going to wait and see if they get better. When I’ve had a few flare-ups in the past, it would take about 3 weeks to have everything settle down. He mentioned a few options if that doesn’t happen. One was a medication that would put my body in temporary menopause for about a month.

That was offered to me 5 or so years ago when I was having a flare up but with all the research I did, I decided against it. The medication is supposed to shrink fibroids. The thing is, it seems like you go through hell and then as soon as the medication gets out of your system, the fibroids go right back to growing.

The other option would be to get a myomectomy which would be to remove the fibroids and the surgery would basically be similar to a c-section. He said that it can be done laparoscopically but they might miss fibroids if there ends up being more than the two that we know of.

I want to have another child and my worry is I might not be able to after the myomectomy. This particular doctor said the chances of not being able to have another baby after this procedure would be low. But pre-hummingbird I had a female doctor tell me that she personally doesn’t think it would be something I’d want to do if I plan on having kids.

The way she explained it to me was if they remove the fibroids then my uterus might have some areas that aren’t as strong as other areas (she described it like a spiderweb) which might cause me to not be able to carry to full term. On the other hand the fibroids could cause problems while pregnant.

When it came to being pregnant with the little hummingbird, I didn’t have any problems except when I was 5 months pregnant. There was a flare up and for about 2 weeks I was in pure hell and thought I might lose her. Then things settled on their own and the pain went away. The doctor I had at the time monitored the growth of my fibroids while I was pregnant but there was never any harm to my daughter.

I know it’s not like I have to decide right this second about what to do but I was hoping to get some real insight from you lovely ladies since doctors don’t seem to know what they’re saying most of the time. I swear it’s like if you go to 5 different doctors for the same problem, you’ll get 5 different answers.

So, here’s my question to you. Has anyone out there gone through a myomectomy or taken the medication lupron that causes temporary menopause? Also, if you have/had fibroids how have you dealt with them?

If you don’t want your business out there then you can email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to these sucky options.

Any help is greatly appreciated because at this point I don’t know what to do. I’m definitely going to wait and see before I make any major decisions. To be honest as long as the fibroids I have aren’t a danger to my next pregnancy, I would deal with any kind of pain I had to.

The gynecologist put me on a lower progesterone birth control pill to see if that might help since progesterone is what feeds fibroids and is most likely why I had this flare up after I miscarried. (*A sidenote…my heart goes out to Maile and I’ve told her how sorry I am with what she’s going through but I also wanted to say that you have been on my mind a lot and I wish I could take your pain away. xx)

The doctor mentioned the fibroids could have been what caused the loss of the baby and I’ve read countless articles over the years so I know it’s a possibility. My instincts tell me that wasn’t the issue but I’ll just never know.

Okay, enough of that. I saw this video when hurricane Irene was headed for the east coast and this drunk woman is my hero of the day.  ;^)

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Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Mary Poppins is a parenting inspiration. Alternate title: Marianna will shank your ass if you eff with her and parenting thoughts from the *almost* left handed amputee.

This is a guest post from my adorable and hilarious Canadian friend, Marianna Annadanna from Snappy Surprise. She’s also one of the founders of Cheesy Bloggers which is an open, inclusive space to be cheesy, funny, clever, and to join up with others like you! 

In my humble opinion I would recommend locking yourself in the closet and reading all of Marianna’s posts but if that’s not an option because your kids will be banging on the door while yelling Maaahhmeeee then here are some posts from her you should check out. Television is *delicious*, At least cough up a bunny, My happy place scared the bejezus out of meThat’ll learn ya, hubbyHave you heard? I’m AWESOME, and I can’t leave out her dock shrapnel wound post that had her thisclose to becoming an amputee: I’m going to sue my best friend.

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Q and A with Marianna.

Elle:  If you could be stuck in an elevator with anyone, who would it be?

Marianna: Um, Hubby, because he would keep me from chewing my own arm off and using it as a baton to break free. And Jimmy Fallon. 

Elle: If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars. 

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

Marianna: B. Ninja throwing stars sounds good.

Elle: What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house and/or brings you back to your teen years?

Marianna: So many!  Anything from Dance Mix 93, 94, or 95.  Probably the Fast and the Furious soundtrack.  Crabbucket by K-os… look that one up!  Teagan and Sarah are my true fav dancing band though. 

Elle: Favorite guilty pleasure?

Marianna: Young and the Restless.  Except I don’t really feel guilty about that.  Same with the Twilight books (of which I have read 5 times).  Ya know, honestly, it *might* be twitter…

Elle: What’s one of the worst movies you’ve seen?

Marianna: The good thing about bad movies is they’re either so bad they’re GOOD, or you forget them altogether. 

Elle: If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never had to hear about them again, who would it be?

Marianna: SNOOKIE. And the rest of her idiot brigade. 

Elle: A weird habit?

Marianna: I have to turn the tv volume up in even-numbered increments.  I know.  Brutal. 

Elle: What’s one of your favorite books?

Marianna: Jane Eyre!  Lonesome Dove!  And maybe Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. 

Elle: If you could drop everything and go anywhere (real or fantasy) in the world, where would it be?

Marianna: Into the Mary Poppins streetchalk painting.  Without that option, Paris. 

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It’s safe to say I’ll be a fairly demanding parent.

When my dear friend Elle began hunting for guest posters, I wasn’t sure I was the best person for the job.  You see, Elle is so sweet, kind, genuine, and funny.  I, on the other hand, am kind of an asshole.

And on top of that, I don’t have kids, so I rarely have helpful advice for her in the parenting department. I’m pretty useless, actually.

HOWEVER, my uterus has been pretty riled up lately, screaming at me to grow something inside it, so I’ve been doing some thinking about what kind of parent I want to be.  Alors, here is my list of goals for my yet-unborn children.

Elle, I know you’ll find this extremely helpful.  You’re welcome.

What my kids will inherit from me:

Remarkable grace.  And the ability to be tolerant, open-minded, and understanding.  They had better not EVER assume that they know the whole story.  They need to hold their judgments.  Unless they’re judging Snookie.  Snookie is an idiot of immense proportion.

What my kids will have to inherit from
someplace else:

The confidence to under-achieve.   What I mean is, the confidence to know they are “successful” even if they don’t over-accomplish every little stupid thing in their whole entire lives.  I don’t want them to lose their marbles like – ahem – someone I know.  I want them be happy, not stressed.

What my kids will inherit from me:

Willingness to read.  I don’t really care what they read, as long as they read something.  I think I might get them started on Twilight.

What my kids will have to inherit from
someplace else:

A distant relationship with television and the internet.  Unless they’re watching Ellen.  Or Jimmy Fallon.  Or So You Think You Can Dance.  Or The Young and The Restless.  Or Roseanne. Or unless they’re blogging.  Or reading blogs. Or watching Youtube. Or tweeting.  No Facebook though.  I HATE Facebook.

What my kids will inherit from me:

Artistic ability. They should write, or draw, or act, or dance, or make macaroni castles. A creative outlet to express themselves is KEY.  As long as they don’t collect old beer cans and build a beer can wall in the backyard, I’ll be on board. Maybe even then.

What my kids will have to inherit from
someplace else:

Athletic ability.  In team sports. With other people.  For the FUN of it.  With Hubby to drive them to their games and practices, because I’m too lazy for that.

What my kids will inherit from me:

Honesty.  They should be straightforward and out-spoken.  Passive aggression annoys me and I won’t receive it well from anyone – fruit of my loins or otherwise.  They should speak their minds.

What my kids will have to inherit from
someplace else:

Politeness.  Those little brats better be nice to people.  They can have their own opinion but they better choose the right time to open their big mouths.

Finally, what my kids will inherit from me:

Intelligence.  They’ll be smart.  I know it. They’ll even be smart enough to know that I’m always right.  Oh… and English and Science and stuff.

And what my kids will have to inherit from
someplace else:

Patience.  I’ll be there IN A MINUTE!  If those little shits yell “Maaahhhhhhmm” one more time I’m gonna LOSE it.

So.  Elle. There you have it.  My top ten list of things all kids oughta be.  Get on it, already, won’t ya?

~If you would like to write a guest post, whether you have a blog or not, email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com. I promise you I don’t bite and the only thing that might possibly make me not want to use your guest post is if you wrote about how you want to be just like Paris Hilton or Snookie.

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