A guest post from a bad ass friend I had when I lived in the small town of Footloose, USA.

This guest post comes from Sarah K. who I knew back when we lived in the teeny tiny town of Footloose when we were younger. We had slumber parties, we were in the Brownies together, we went to grammar school and junior high together….oh man, the dirt she has on me.

I was going to put up a photo of us from my 14th birthday party but my 80’s hair is way too embarrassing. I’m sure I used about two bottles of Aqua Net on it. Sarah is one of the few people who I trust from back in the day (besides Sarah M.) that knows about my blog.

My 5th birthday party at an after school program. Sarah’s on the left and me and my very short haircut my mom loved are on the right. I have some groovy clothes on too. :^)

 

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Q and A with Sarah K.

Elle:  If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

Sarah: E. I would like to have my husband’s brain. He is always full of it so his brain must be huge and would keep the brain eaters busy long enough for me to get away.

Elle: If you could be stuck in an elevator with anyone who would it be?

Sarah: I have four kids; I don’t want anyone in there with me. I just want to be alone.

Elle: What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house and/or brings you back to your teen years?

Sarah: I try to block out my teen years so let’s go with my early twenties. Anything Beastie Boys makes me shake it.

Elle: A favorite non-mommy activity?

Sarah: Sleeping uninterrupted for 8 hours.

Elle: What’s a favorite book that you like to read to your kids?

Sarah: My favorite children’s book is “Go the Fuck to Sleep” but it’s inappropriate to read to my kids so we read “Where the Wild Things Are.” I have it memorized so it doesn’t require any thought, just page turning.

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Packing Smacking

by Sarah K.

I am honored to be a guest blogger on Elle’s site. I grew up in Footloose, USA and had the pleasure of spending my grade school and very early teen years with her as my close friend. I am the proud mother of 4 wonderful children. My children are 4, 5, 6 and 19 (yes, I know I am crazy.)

I have 2 boys and 2 girls. I have been married for 8 years. My husband and I have been a couple for almost 12 years and friends for 18 years. We lived together (in sin, OMG) for 3 years before getting hitched. I have one sibling that I have only seen three times in the past 15 years and parents that live a little too close for comfort. Perhaps my parents are the reason that my brother lives so far away and chooses not to visit. Actually, I am sure that is the reason.

We recently went on vacation to Lake Tahoe to visit my brother for the first time in 8 years. This was only the second time my husband has met him.

I am proud to say that with the exception of one incident, we didn’t have any issues with the trip even though it was the 3 youngest kids’ first time flying. My oldest son’s time on the trip is an entirely different matter. He deserves his own post and I will table it for another day.

When my husband and I were first together I was a care free packer and often would overlook taking key items. Once we had the smaller children I turned into an over achiever freak show and literally packed EVERYTHING. Now that my children are a little older I have reached a happy medium and seem to pack just right. I am super organized including individual art boxes and snack bags for the children on the plane as well as a binder with all vacation activities organized as to when we were doing them. Maybe I am OCD?

On the evening prior to our departure, I started the huge task of packing for a family of 6. I waited until the last minute because that seemed like the smart thing to do to ensure I had the children’s favorite stuffed animal or toy of the day (or it could be because I am a total procrastinator.) I sent my husband out to the garage to get both sets of our luggage.

He came back looking a little baffled and said “What does the luggage look like?” I responded “Well, it’s black, has a handle that pulls out, wheels on the bottom, a shiny zipper and has our name and address on it.” My husband responded by rolling his eyes at me and grunting. I held my tongue and refrained from what I wanted to say which went something like this “Excuse me dumb ass, I am not the one that asked what the luggage we have had for 7 years looks like.”

My husband disappeared again into the garage and returned shortly with 1 set of luggage. After much deliberation we determined that my husband who has a genius IQ, but the common sense of a yard gnome had put our other set of luggage into our storage unit because he thought it was his sister’s.

I would just like to mention that when I say “our storage unit” the only our part is that our name is on the bill, not my husband’s loser sister who has all of her crap in it. We only have the storage unit because we got tired of our garage being completely full of her stuff. Perhaps I should mention here that we only came into possession of her stuff because my sister-in-law’s house was foreclosed upon and my husband and I moved all of her possessions from her tiny (2,700 square feet) house for her while she decided to go to the spa (rehab.)

The spa stay wasn’t quite long or relaxing enough and a crime spree soon followed which turned into jail, which turned into eternally paying to store her crap. I am obviously, not bitter or holding a grudge (if you believe that then I have a pot of gold at the end of the nearest rainbow for you.) Sorry, back to the story….The storage place was closed for the night and wouldn’t open in time in the morning. Plus, I couldn’t remember if we could access it, because that is seriously the last bill I pay each month. I was not about to go buy new luggage because I am a cheap skate and it was literally taking every penny just to go on vacation. I got on the phone and called my best friend.

She herself was going out of town, but had a small bag we could borrow. She checked with her boyfriend who also had a couple of bags for us. I went from shaking in frustration to hysterically laughing from joy by the time I hung up the phone. I decided to send my husband over to pick the luggage up from them. It was one stop shopping since they live together. This of course was a mistake. When my husband was leaving he said “I am going to go ahead and hang out over there awhile since all you are doing is packing.”

This was when the door closed and my mouth hit the floor. How was I supposed to pack without suitcases? After several nasty phone calls on my part and Tiger Woods Golf games on his part my husband returned triumphantly. That’s when I saw the luggage. At this point the cursing came flowing from my mouth like when Ralphie explodes in the Christmas Story. One of the suitcases he brought back was a circa 1970 suitcase with a rope (yes you didn’t misread it, rope) handle. At this point I didn’t care and packed all our bags saving the best one for last.

Thankfully, we didn’t need to use the ghetto rope bag and we had the best trip ever. Moral of the story – pack well in advance or marry someone who is an only child.

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Win a one of a kind Peeny Christmas ornament.

You know you need a Peeny in your life. So, enter to win a kinda sorta cheesy Peeny Christmas ornament. All you need to do is leave a comment telling me why you should get a Peeny ornament. One comment per person.

The contest ends on December 8th at 11:59 pm PST and is open to everyone, anywhere, 18 and over. The winner will be chosen by the random number generator and will be announced on Friday December 9th.

Good luck!

                              

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Head above water, barely.

 

I love this time of year but at the same time I hate it. I love that my 2 1/2 year old daughter is starting to understand the upcoming Christmas holiday and her face lights up when she sees pictures of her beloved Sabby (Santa) in stores or on television.

What I hate is that there have been a handful of people who I love dearly and they’ve passed away during this time of year. It feels like a punch in the stomach.

In exactly 2 weeks it will be the first anniversary when my aunt died and it was so unexpected. My emotions of losing her are still so raw and the closer the date comes, the more depressed I become.

I’m trying really hard to put on a happy face for my little girl and others but the depression and anxiety I’ve been experiencing are really kicking my ass.

I’m finally starting to feel like the meds I’m taking are in full force but right now I feel like everything is flooding in on me.

The therapist I’m seeing has been amazing but I think the whole two steps forward, one step back with this depression is also partly due to the fact that we’ve started to get into the really difficult things that have happened in my life.

Hearing myself talk about these things out loud with her makes what I’ve experienced real. Daddy issues, abuse, feelings of abandonment, postpartum ptsd, the miscarriage I had in August that I’m still grieving over; I’m having to face them full on. It used to be that I would just try to push these things deep down in my mind.

What’s helping me keep it together is the little hummingbird. She’s such an amazing little girl and helps keep me distracted.

Even after all this time, my husband still doesn’t understand and can’t relate to the depression and anxiety I’ve been experiencing. Or maybe he does but since he’s not much of a talker, he doesn’t know what to say or how to comfort me during these shitty few months.

I do think that after this month I’ll get back on track since that’s how it’s been in the past although I know this depression isn’t going to miraculously go away.

                                 

There’s been a song that’s been stuck in my head and I have no idea why but since it’s been torturing me I can’t get it out of my head and I thought I would torture you share it with you. I kinda sorta remember when this song came out but at the time I was a huge Guns N’ Roses fan so I didn’t pay much attention to it.

This song has also been stuck in my head and I remember when it was out, my younger sister used to be so spot on when it came to saying the first part of this song and it would crack up my mom and I.

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The Knock Knock Monty.

 

The good news: I didn’t do it, my husband did. The bad news: the little hummingbird will probably never be able to hear someone knocking on the door ever again.

A few weekends ago the little hummingbird didn’t want to nap and she was running around in her room. I’m not giving up on her naps yet because on the days that she doesn’t have one, by 4 pm she looks stoned and starts nodding off. All that’s missing is a bag of Cheetos.

My hubby was working in the office with the door closed and she didn’t know it. I finally gave up on any hope for her getting a nap and opened up the safety gate on her doorway that keeps her from causing total chaos upstairs.

She ran out of her room and headed straight to mine saying bear? bear?

Not long ago I wrote a post saying how Little Bear is much better than her Caillou obsession she had but it’s getting to where there are times I wouldn’t mind putting that damn bear on my husband’s barbecue grill and making bear kabobs but, and this is just a guess, bear probably tastes gamey.

Not that I’ve put much thought into it.

Anyway, she was running back and forth between her bedroom and mine when she heard this knocking coming from the office. She ran to me scared out of her mind and crying.

My hubby knocked on the office door to let the hummingbird know that he was in there but it totally backfired and since then she has been talking about the knock knock monster and it has freaked her out.

I keep on assuring her that there’s no such thing and it was just her dad but she’s not buying it.

Since she’s 2, the way she says it is the knock knock monty and when I hear monty I think of the full monty and then I start thinking of several penises flopping around and knocking on doors so yeah, that is kind of scary.

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The top places my toddler loves to wipe her runny nose. This list is brought to you by the letter C for codeine.

 

The hummingbird and I are sick again and since I like to rock out with my sock out, I thought it would be awesome to get a double ear infection instead of just the one I had in my left ear and top it off with a raging sinus infection, ’cause that’s how I roll, yo.

Needless to say, there’s a lot of sleepless nights and toddler snot. Lots o’ toddler snot. When she first got sick I was covered in it but not as much now. Seeing as how I’m still scrubbing off the layers of my hummingbird’s runny nose, here are the top places she loves to wipe it.

I’m sure you’ll be thanking me for this nasty list and I hope you’re not hungry. At least you won’t be after reading this.

See, this is what happens as far as writing goes when you feel like you’ve been sick forever AND you’re shooting back some codeine.

Lets get this party started.

The couch – It took me 9 months to pick out our couch. Part of it was when I was in my third trimester so you can imagine how thrilled my husband was when he had to take his very pregnant and psycho hormonal wife couch shopping.

I didn’t lay my eyes on *the one* until after we had the little hummingbird. That was back when it didn’t even cross my mind that toddler snot would be almost as important as obsessing over my daughter’s poop. Over 2 years later, no matter how much I scrub, our once nice red couch has white spots all over.

It looks like my hubby and I are constantly having sex on it and in every which way. On the arm of the couch, the pillows, the top of the couch, and down at the bottom which would make for a very uncomfortable sexual position. So to whoever visits us, the couch isn’t covered in “wet spots”, it’s toddler snot. Hmmm….I’m not sure which is worse.

The cats – Our cat Maisy gets it worse than our little kitten Penny and there have been several times when I’ve caught the little hummingbird nose diving into Maisy and wiping her nose across the side of her. She’ll also go in for a kiss on top of the cat’s head and smear it in between her ears. Maisy’s always a trooper and just lets her wipe away.

My pillow – This is usually the first place my little girl will snot up when she’s getting sick. It’s normally in the middle of the night and I’m about to drop dead so I’ll bring her into our room and try to get her back to sleep. I always think I’ll be able to cuddle up with her but after a few minutes she thinks it’s time to party.

I’ll turn on Little Bear and as she starts to settle down, she’ll swiiiiiiipe her runny nose all over my pillow. I’m usually too tired to care so once we finally get her back in her own bed, I just flip my pillow over and drop dead from exhaustion.

Me – I’m partial to wearing v-neck tees which gives the hummingbird the perfect little space to coat me in her snot. I also get it in my hair and on my legs. My hands usually get coated in it because if there isn’t a tissue handy and since my shirt doesn’t have a dry space, I’ll just let her wipe her nose on my hand. The hummingbird might be a daddy’s girl but I’ve never seen my hubby have snot coated hands so hmmpphh.

String cheese – Okay, I have to admit I found this pretty impressive and creative. I know you should try to avoid dairy when you’re sick and congested but she was eating very little and since it’s in her DNA, she loves cheese so I gave her some string cheese.

We were still in the kitchen and as she started to gobble up the cheese, her nose was like a faucet. I went to get a tissue and as I was walking back, she took her string cheese and used that as a tissue instead. I now know what it’s like to dry heave, laugh my ass off, and pee myself at the same time.

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Wineconed Wednesday

It’s that time of week again….Wineconed Wednesday! If someone or something is making you pull your hair out, Winecone them. If your feeling the love then give them a Smackaroo. Go on over to A Nervous Tic Motion and leave your Winecones and Smackaroos in the comment section. Or you can stick around and leave them here in the comments.

 

My Winecones of the week are that I’m sick again, drivers who ride your ass, and the ones who won’t let you merge onto the freeway. We stayed home for Thanksgiving and because of that, I don’t have many Winecones to throw.

I’m throwing out Smackaroos to my daughter who can drive me crazy but she’s the love of my life. I’m also sending a long distance Smackaroo to my mom who I miss dearly. Mwah!

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Guest post: What I’ve learned in the past 4 years of being a mom.

 

This guest post comes from Christina who doesn’t have her own blog but you’ll be thinking she should after reading this. She has 3 boys; 4 years, 2 years, and 3 months old. You know what? She should be a contributing writer for the group website, A Nervous Tic Motion, so she can write whenever she wants. No pressure at all Christina. heh.

 

Q and A with Christina

Elle: If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

Christina: E. I have a newborn so I already am a zombie of sorts. As for weapons to fight said zombies?  I would fight the real zombies with soap and water.  That is what scares my little monsters and has them running away from me every time 🙂 

Elle: Favorite guilty pleasure?

Christina: I’m embarrassed to actually put words to my addiction but I really have a thing for terrible reality t.v  such as Keeping Up with The Kardashians and 19 Kids and Counting.  I’m secretly fascinated by all those Duggar kids. (You’re not really printing this are you?!?)  LOL.

~Elle’s note…Don’t worry Christina, I have a strange fascination with the Duggars and DVR the show.

 

Elle: What kids cartoon or character makes you want to bang your head against a spike?

Christina: Caillou.  I think he’s a total brat and I want to know why he has no hair when everyone else in the show does.  Also Yo Gabba Gabba…..            

I want to be your Sister Wife after that answer! ~ Elle

                                      

A friend sent me an email that a lady with her first baby (8 months old) wrote and it was all about things she’s learned these past 8 months so it got me thinking about what I’ve learned in the last 4 years. What do you all think? True for you?

1. Your whole world will revolve around poop….for many years. Who has pooped? Who hasn’t pooped? Who’s poop is on the floor? Even your grown up conversations with your husband will involve poop talk or other bathroom humor.

2. You will swear you will never be THAT mom who feeds her kids McDonald’s (just like you vow you will never let your kid play in those germ infested nasty play places inside said McDonald’s) but, you will. You may start out making your own organic baby food purée and using Whole Foods brand shampoo so your kid doesn’t suffer the neurotoxicity and reproductive failure that good ole Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo causes. And you’ll sign your baby up for Mandarin lessons at 6 months old (even though all they can do is drool and smile) but soon…..very soon, you too will be chucking chicken nuggets to the kid in the way back of the mini van and bribing them with Diet Coke just to get them to use the potty (see #1 above)

3. The terrible twos are nothing to be scared of. It’s the F’ing fours that nobody has the heart to tell you about. It’s not because they hate you that they don’t tell you about the sassy, back talking four year old who repeats every bad thing you don’t want him to……it’s because, well, they love you and don’t want to scare you.

4. When people see 3 kids they feel the need to say “Oh! You’ve got your hands full” and it will annoy you to no end.

5. If you weren’t good at building things with Legos as a kid; you’ll still suck at it as an adult

6. You will never realize how little you know about the world and how things work until you have a two year old asking you to explain everything to them.

7. Toddlers LOVE band-aids. I mean, they freaking LoVe them. I don’t know if its the attention they get from people asking “what happened?” or what. But kids effing love band-aids.

8. You may say you will never let your kid wear Disney character shirts from Walmart, but you will. Wanna know why? Because toddlers are a pain in the ass to get dressed. Especially when they’re 3 and have opinions about EVERYTHING. If having a hideous, brown, $3 TowMater shirt makes getting dressed happen quicker, then you’ll be all.about.it.

9. Kids can actually grow and thrive eating nothing more than frozen Dino nuggets and fish sticks. For real peeps.

10. Kids won’t tell you when they’re shoes are too small. I have gone months without thinking about getting a kid’s foot measured, only to find out they’re wearing shoes two sizes too small and they never complained once. That may be the only thing they don’t complain about. Oh, and you will feel like the worst mother ever when the chick at Stride Rite tells you that you’ve been stuffing your poor baby’s foot into a too small shoe.

11. You will never be able to go to the restroom alone. Ever.

12. Minivans rock. I mean seriously, they are the freaking best invention ever. Everyone will say how uncool they are and they will mock you mercilessly…….but then they will all ask for the “tour” and they will “ooh and ahh” at the automatic doors

13. No matter how smart you are or what fab college you went to: it will still take you for.effing.ever to install car seats. (no matter how many times you’ve done it before)

14. Kids do not like Santa. They don’t want to sit on his lap or get their picture taken, he scares the crap outta them. He’s okay as long as he stays in the North Pole and brings them stuff. But as a parent you will still put your kid in an uncomfortable sweater vest and thrust them into the arms of a felt clad, strange old man and pay big bucks to capture the memory of your kid screaming his ever loving ass off in the arms of Jolly old St.Nick.

15. Toddlers will not tell you when they’re going to throw up. They can actually be telling you how hungry or thirsty they are while barfing midway through the sentence. And it will not be any less disgusting because they’re your sweet, precious babies. It will always be gross. Every time. No matter what.

16. The battery people and the toy manufacturers are in kahoots together. As are the Goldfish and Apple Juice folks.

17. You might weigh the same as you did before kids but none of your old clothes will fit you. Its like your whole body gets rearranged somehow.

18. The amount of laundry when you have kids is unimaginable. I mean, seriously unimaginable. If you hated doing laundry before kids: buckle up! It’s going to be a rough ride!

19. You will spend the first two years of your baby’s life trying to get him to walk and talk and the next 15 years trying to get him to sit down and shut up.

20. You will spend hours trying to get a kid down for a nap or to sleep for the night and once they’re asleep, you’ll stare and them and be so overwhelmed with their sweetness that all you’ll want to do is wake them up.

21. You will be so tired that you will *think* you hear a kid crying even when there isn’t a kid in the house…and even though you know that, you’ll still go and check.

22. The words to Dora the Explorer and Bubble Guppies will become the background music in your dreams. Really.

23. Even when your kids aren’t in the car with you, you will find yourself squealing with delight when a fire truck goes by!

24. You can never own too many Hotwheels cars.

25. You will be shocked and mortified when your 4 year old calls you a “Lunatic” (but you will laugh to yourself later about your kid’s comedic timing)

26. Children are painfully honest. When they cry and scream at you to stop singing in the car, it’s not because they’re fussy or tired. It’s because you have a terrible singing voice. (sad but true)

27. Nothing, and I mean nothing will be sweeter to your ears than hearing your kids help each other or proclaim their love to you.

28. Sometimes kids call things by the wrong name and even though its inappropriate, you’ll let them go on calling it the wrong thing. My son, for example calls tow trucks “hookers” and I don’t correct him because, well, its pretty hilarious to hear him talk about “how fun Hookers are to play with.”

29. Be prepared to watch the same movie 200,000,000 times.

30. Your college degree will not prepare you for your new ‘waitress gig’ (otherwise known as Motherhood)

31. Other Mommies will judge the heck out of you. For everything. Haters gonna hate

32. If you’re going to have kids, you need a smart phone. Period.

33. People lose their minds when they see a cute baby. Perhaps that is why total strangers feel the need to touch your newborn on the hands or mouth after sneezing into their own hands.

34. If you were an OCD germ phobe before kids, it will only get exponentially worse. (see #33)

35. No matter how lame you thought it was before: a bunch of siblings in matching clothes is freaking adorable. Nuff said.

36. You will be proud of your snarky two year old when he says “Excuse you!” to the lady who almost mows him down with her shopping cart.

37. T.V is a great babysitter. If you disagree, its only because you have a real life babysitter to occupy your kids while you shower, prepare meals etc.

38. At the end of the day, you will not want to trade one sleepless night, puked on shirt, dirty diaper, sassy remark, temper tantrum throwing minute to be lucky enough to be your kids Mama.

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