Knock-Knock! Who’s there? Little old lady….

Little old lady who? Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel! *insert George McFly laugh here*

I had absolutely no idea what to title this post and it has nothing to do with what I’m rambling about. I can usually think of a title but was stuck so I picked something random. You’re welcome.

If you’ve read my blog recently, you know that I’ve been going through depression and a lot of anxiety. I just wanted to say thank you for sticking around. Even if you’ve gone onto my site, saw that I was in my whoa is me funk, thought won’t this woman ever shut the hell up about it, and left right after, I still thank you.

Last week, Wednesday to be exact, I actually felt like myself for the first time in a long time. It was fleeting but it still felt good. Getting through depression is such a gradual process but I know I’ll get through this.

The hummingbird is still so young but even at 2, I know she feels that things are different. I want to be the best mom to her. My biggest fear it having her think that it’s her fault for me feeling the way I do.

Also, I wanted to say that despite being ranty in my last post, I haven’t killed my husband. I may or may not have tied him up with duct tape and locked him in the closet but I didn’t kill him….yet. Bwahahahaha.

When it comes to the ups and downs of marriage, we’re currently having a down moment. There’s also a lot I left out so I think my rant about our relationship made it sound worse than it really is.

Crap, I sound like a douchey reality star that says they edited me to look that way!!!

So, to lighten things up, here you go:

This is something my mom emailed me. After pregnancy and all of the pumping I did, this is how I feel about my boobs on some days.

The rest of the photos, credit: Ann Taintor.

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Sometimes I feel like I have to be Mommie Dearest but without the wire hangers and all the other psycho things. Maybe I’m more like Dina Lohan. Oh gawd, nevermind. I’ll take Mommie Dearest.

*When I wrote this yesterday, I was feeling frustrated. I was actually writing something else but ended up with this post because I needed to vent. It’s not like my husband and I are at odds 24/7 but as you know, when you’re in a relationship, that person can get on your damn nerves. :^) I spellchecked the post but I only glanced at what I wrote, otherwise I wouldn’t have hit publish.

Before we had our daughter, I used to think I would be the softie and my husband would be the disciplinarian. I know the universe is laughing at me now as well as the younger me inside my head, which oddly has the Ha Ha laugh of Nelson from The Simpsons, because I have to be the hard ass parent and it sucks.

Since I overshare, my hubby and I are kind of driving each other crazy lately. He still doesn’t understand what I’m going through with this bout of depression I’ve been having and doesn’t even try to understand. I guess you could say we’re going through some growing pains right now but without Boner.

Not my hubby’s boner, I don’t overshare that much although I easily could, but Boner from that 80’s show Growing Pains. Really?! producers and writing people for that show? What the hell were you people thinking when it came to naming that dude Boner? My best friend at the time had a huge crush on Kirk Cameron and I went along with it but I was majorly crushing on Johnny Depp and I still do to this day. But he’s gotten just a tad odd for me and that’s why Mark Ruffalo has kindly stepped in to take his place.

Anyway…

Growing pains, yeah, my hubby and I are going through them but his boner is fine thank you very much. We met about 2 weeks after I turned 20, married 5-ish months later and our 16 year wedding anniversary is coming up in July. If you’re doing the math, do bad math so then you can figure my age to be about 26.

Marriage is fucking hard at times. I’m happy for the couples who skip around arm in arm, are so in love all the time, and say everything is fan-fucking-tastic but I know marriage can be something you have to work at.

When our daughter was born there’s no doubt my husband and I became closer than ever but at the same time it can get harder because it’s so easy to lose yourself in your child and put your relationship on the back burner.

Yes, I love being a stay at home mom and my husband is awesome but that doesn’t mean I don’t go batshit crazy sometimes. When my husband is home from work on the weekends, our house can be chaotic.

He gets up with the hummingbird on the weekends so I can sleep in although this right here is me sleeping in. My hubby gets up really early during the week so he considers waking up at 7 am sleeping in.

He usually takes the hummingbird out in the morning and when I walk downstairs and see the tornado size mess that’s been made, I feel like a Southern Belle in a tight corset during a heat wave that just found out her husband has been cheating on her with her sister.

Translation: I feel faint, my knees are wobbly, and I want to run my hubby over with a horse-drawn carriage.

His excuse for all of the messiness is he’s so occupied with our little girl so he doesn’t have time to pick things up. Um, I do it all the time. Our house isn’t sparkly clean but even though I have little time with a toddler, I still manage to pick up.

A few weeks ago the little hummingbird was eating string cheese and she took too big of a bite. She wasn’t choking but my hubby took his finger and knocked some of the cheese out of her mouth which landed on the couch and then walked away leaving slobbery cheese on the couch which I had to pick up. Ugh!

Since this post is so long, here's a hummingbird break. I like to call this the "fireman yoga" pose.

When I was pregnant, my hubby and I would talk about the big issues when it came to raising our daughter. What we didn’t even think of at the time were the small daily issues that can come up. Most of the issues are food related.

I’ve actually had to tell my husband that giving the hummingbird Flipside crackers and cashews is not considered dinner. That was one of his dinner choices for her when I was having a migraine and was upstairs in bed. Gah!

The most common dilemma we have is he doesn’t think that she needs to have her food cut up. I have to remind him that she’s not some wild dog despite her acting like one at times and because the last thing you’d want to do it give a 2-year-old a knife, we have to cut her food up for her. I know it sounds so dumb but it can be frustrating as hell to always be reminding him of this stuff.

My hubby loves our daughter to bits and is very hands on so when it comes to dinner and since he’s been gone all day, he likes to take over and I try to keep my mouth shut but when he gives her food that’s almost as big as her head, like half a Belgian waffle, but doesn’t cut it up, I have to step in which ends up annoying him.

My daughter has been using a fork for quite awhile so she gives us this look like “hello, how do you think I’m going to eat this ginormous thing?”  The hubby thinks she can just pick it up with her hands but I’ll mention that she’s capable of using utensils and Omg, I know I’m totally boring you right now.

We go through this several times a week and I know that there’s a solution. He just needs to listen to me. Problem solved. Heh.

There are times when I feel like Mommie Dearest but not the house of horrors version. I have to be stern and discipline my little girl because my hubby is mostly afraid to. His response is usually “But she likes doing this.”

When it comes to her behavior, I’m thinking of the long term so that’s why I like to try and change it now instead of having it become a bigger problem later on. It doesn’t help that the hummingbird is a daddy’s girl so I end up feeling like the bad guy.

My daughter has been showing that she wants and needs me more and that’s helped with my confidence as a mom because before, I would always question my mommy capabilities since she would always want her dad. It would make me feel like I was doing everything wrong. I can still feel that way but it’s gotten better.

I think she acts this way because I’m there for her all the time but my hubby isn’t so when he’s home, it’s all about daddy. I hate to admit it, okay not really, but I love to hear the hummingbird call out MAAMEEEE when my hubby is with her and I’m in another room.

Another hummingbird break. I call this pic "cute".

When I was whining and complaining talking to my mom recently, I was going on about how during the week there are times I feel overwhelmed when it comes to dealing with the little hummingbird’s tantrums and meltdowns, keeping the house from becoming a disaster zone, keeping my daughter in one piece, and on and on.

Then I was saying how my hubby seems to think it’s easy peasy when he’s home and looking after our little girl and my mom pointed out it’s probably because he lets her do whatever she wants. It was an aha moment for me.  

My mom was telling me that I’m basically raising my daughter the way she raised me and that gave me such a lift. With the exception of my angsty pre-teen and teen years, I felt that my mom was pretty balanced when it came to discipline and although it would embarrass me when I would spend the night at a friend’s house and she would have to speak to their parents beforehand and get their phone number & address if she didn’t have it already, now I completely understand why she did that.

When it comes to the little hummingbird, I’ll probably take her friends fingerprints and run background checks.

When I was younger I thought it was so cool and was envious when I had friends whose moms let them do whatever they wanted but now I really appreciate that my mom was a parent to me and set boundaries.

So while my husband will probably be the cool and laid back parent in our daughter’s eyes, I hope that when she’s older she understands that the reason I did what I did is because I love her so much.

~~~

*Blog of the week yay, I remembered to do it this week: take2mommy. Jennifer is the sweetest and you just have to check out her blog. You can also follow her on twitter: @take2mommy.

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I can’t think of a better way to wake up than to have a shark staring me in the face.

My husband teaches a class from 7-10 am so he has to be up really early. Sometimes the little hummingbird wakes up before he leaves for work and since I’m a night owl, hoo hoo, I like to stay in bed as long as I can. Really though, who doesn’t?
 
Before the hummingbird was born, my husband would try to gently wake me up because I’m not a morning person at all and can be scary.
 
Lately, instead of the hubby leaving the hummingbird in her crib to play, he’s been putting her in our bed along with book and toys. The worst of it is he’s been turning on an episode of Caillou as well.
 
For those of you who don’t know, Caillou (Keye-*as in eye*-you) seems like a harmless cartoon but after having to watch it constantly, you end up wanting to kick whoever is involved with the making of Caillou in the nuts.  
 
So before I can even open my eyes, my two year old is jumping all over me and Caillou is blaring on the television.
 
Yesterday morning my husband decided to really make my day. Not only did he choose an obnoxious toy which was her toolbox that has hammer sound effects and music, he also put the hummingbird’s stuffed shark that he got for her birthday in our bed.

~~~

We have a membership to the local aquarium and the times that we’ve gone, I’ve tried to get a cute (but overpriced) stuffed penguin or a cute little otter for the hummingbird but the hubby brings up the fact that they rip you off with the price, which they do.

Then he goes there and buys this huge stuffed shark that I’m sure is a lot more overpriced than some penguin?! Huh? After much thought and consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that my husband is a penguin hater but we will remain friends for the sake of all the cute penguins out there, both stuffed and real.  

~~~

Caillou was on, my little girl was hammering in her toolbox and on my shoulder, and when I opened my eyes, I saw this huge shark staring at me.

By the time I woke up enough to stumble out of bed and find the camera, my daughter was running around but this is what I pretty much woke up to:

Good Morning Sunshine!

 

I will now chomp you to bits…nom nom nom. I even have a watch so I can time how long it takes to eat you mind out of the gutter.
 

 We’ve also had a creepy balloon in our house. I had no idea there were any balloons left from the hummingbird’s birthday last month but this one in particular seems to have come out of hiding and has been creeping me out all week.

It has just enough helium left in it to stay afloat but it glides a few inches from the floor, creepily!

I could’ve  just popped it but that wouldn’t be any fun. The creepy balloon was downstairs and the other day it creepily floated upstairs where it would go from room to room to terrorize me.

Don’t let it fool you. It looks like a normal birthday balloon but it’s freaking creepy.

 

It’s getting creepier. 

 

 

This is some Amityville Horror balloon shit going on here.

The same day, I went to take a shower and there was a big spider in the tub. After an intense spider vs. shower sprayer battle, I was finally able to take my shower without having to worry about some spider walking across my feet.

I blame the creepy Amityville balloon for the spider so later on I popped that sucker.

Because I’m not at all crazy, I put the balloon in the outside trash can just in case it came back to it’s creepy balloon life. Suck it birthday balloon.

*My hubby isn’t really a penguin hater but he probably hates sea otters. I won’t think otherwise until he goes out and buys our daughter a huge and overpriced one which I’ll stick in the bed so he can wake up and have an otter staring at him but it won’t be as scary.

We live by the ocean so maybe I can leave a trail of fish from the ocean to his side of the bed for an otter to follow because I’m pretty sure a live sea otter in the bed would be scarier or at least more unexpected than a stuffed shark.

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Taking a picture of my 2 year old is as difficult as keeping my sanity when my mother-in-law visits.

Recently, I dressed my daughter in jeans and a cute top that she picked out herself from the store. When I say “picked out” I mean it’s the first shirt she grabbed good thing it wasn’t the fuzzy lingerie with hearts that she tried to rip off the clothing rack but because of my awesome shopping cart skills, she couldn’t reach it in time.

I was amazed at how grown-up she looked excuse me while I cry and wanted to get a picture. The problem? She rarely stays still and this day was no exception.

The little hummingbird was playing in her room and we got her to sit down so we could take a photo but she was up and running within a few seconds.

One of our laundry baskets wanted to steal the spotlight from the hummingbird so it popped up in several of the photos. This laundry basket is really fame hungry so you can only imagine the ego it has. All it does is hold our dirty clothes but it demands that we call it a wardrobe assistant. And the basket insists that it’s natural even though it’s so obvious that it’s been pumped full of plastic.

Aaand she's off...

Cool, a sock puppet!

Fine, I'll stand still for just a second.

Umm...

Can I get a little help here?

At least the cat wasn't in her bed this time around.

Close-up!

Total fashion statement.

But the sock puppet really adds something.

Forget the sock puppet. This tutu brings the outfit together.

Afterwards, my hubby took her to the playground and even that didn’t wear her out. I’m convinced the hummingbird steals our energy from us while we’re sleeping.

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The mind is boggled. More like boobled.

It’s really late and I’m up with insomnia because I’m stressing about everything. Yay anxiety!

I came across an advertisement in a magazine I was reading and just had to look it up on the internet because I thought I was being punk’d.

Behold, the Bosom Max:

There are no words and yet I can think of plenty, just not at this hour.

What really makes me want to go out and buy one not really, my boobs are considered a safety hazard as it is are the vibration effects. As Beavis & Butthead would say: These effects aren’t very special.

So thank you Bosom Max makers for giving me a few minutes to escape my anxiety and look at your product while thinking wtf?

~~~

I just came across this testimonial:

“My appearance is very important in my professional life, and my breasts left a lot to be desired. But with BosomMax I increased in size from a 34-B to a 34-D! Now I do look and feel more attractive, and I’m no longer invisible to my clients and my bosses… my career is going better than ever!”

Hear that ladies, bigger breasts=a successful career. All this time I thought it had to do with brains. I’m such a dummy.

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Maisy Sweet Potato Purr Muffin.

Over the weekend we couldn’t find our cat, Maisy. We looked everywhere and I was in a panic, thinking that she went missing like our kitty, Zira.

Since my emotions have been getting the best of me for awhile, I was on the verge of tears, until my hubby found Maisy like this:

I may or may not have peed myself from laughing when I saw her cuddled up in the little hummingbird’s high chair. It has become one of her favorite places to sleep.

I’m still getting used to it though. When I was doing laundry on Tuesday, I kept on walking by my daughter’s high chair to get to the laundry room and each time, I would jump a little because Maisy would catch me off guard. So instead of seeing a cute kitty face, I saw this:

*Updated to add: It’s supposed to look like she’s shooting lasers out of her eyes but now that I look at it, it just….doesn’t. It looks more like she stabbed herself in the eyes with kitty sized skewers.

But that’s just ridiculous because cats aren’t capable of holding skewers, even if they were tiny. Although if she grabbed one in between both paws it might work.

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Because having a tiny elbow crushing my windpipe is so much fun.

The hubby and hummingbird are close to being over the cold that took over our house but since I got the worst of it, my butt is still dragging but not in the gross way when dogs drag their poopy butts all over the carpet *gag* and I’m playing the sick card with my husband.

Can you throw that basket of laundry in the washer? I’m sooo sick. And can you also run the dishwasher, feed the cat, change the hummingbird’s diaper, check the mail….

I make sure to add a cough and/or groan about my throat being sore.

The last time we were all sick was in November and it was brutal since we had been visiting our families for Thanksgiving and had to fly back home. I always think that since my little girl is sick, she’ll take it down a few notches so I can rest a little but have found that even with a fever, coughing, being congested, and not sleeping at night isn’t going to slow her down.

She was waking up several times a night last week and although my husband and I take turns when she wakes up, at one point I felt like I would drop dead while I was up with her so I brought her into our room and we were laying in bed. The hummingbird was hyper at first but then she cuddled up with me.

She wasn’t much of a cuddler when she was younger but is starting to do that more often which I love. My husband turned around in bed, faced us, and scared the hell out of our daughter because she hadn’t seen him wear the mask of his CPAP machine before. I admit it, I thought her reaction was pretty funny. Yes, I’m a mean mommy.

I tried to convince her that it was just her daddy and he was harmless so I flopped his hand around in a wave and was saying hi in funny voices but neither one of them was very amused.

My hubby had most of the room in our king size bed, our cat was sprawled out the long way by our feet, I had a death grip on the side of the bed so I wouldn’t fall out while my left arm was around my little girl, and she was laying as close to me as possible so she wouldn’t be near that creepy masked man who sounded like Darth Vader.

Then I felt her relaxing against my body so I inched away a little to have some room but she inched towards me. I still had a death grip on the bed and I was laying on top of my right arm which was going numb. My left arm started going numb since the little hummingbird’s head was getting heavier and heavier.

As she was drifting off further into sleep, she was hitting me in the face with her hands. Then she put her hands behind the back of her head and her right elbow was stabbing me in the neck.

I slowly moved my left arm up a little and the feeling started coming back but since her tiny elbow was still jammed into my neck, I tilted my head up and over to the right to try and avoid her pointy, little elbow but it didn’t work.

That gave her more space and her heavy head whacked me in the left cheek while her elbow was still lodged into my neck. While my hubby, the hummingbird, and Maisy the cat slept soundly, I was wide awake and afraid to move a muscle or else I would fall onto the floor.

I wanted to take my little girl back to her room because I was never going to get any sleep this way but she was finally asleep so I couldn’t bear to move her.

My husband solved the problem. He knocked his mask around and it was hissing loudly so I scooted the hummingbird over and nudged my hubby in the arm so he could readjust his mask.

I waited a minute and by then my little girl was waking up to the hissing sound and since the mask wasn’t on right, the hubby was snoring really loud so I took one of his pillows and wacked him in the face. While he was grumbling that I woke him up seriously?, I took the hummingbird back to her room.

I went to take another dose of night-time cold medicine and slipped back into bed.  I was just waiting for her to start crying but she didn’t. Success! While I was finally getting comfy and relaxed, she started crying. I tapped my hubby on the arm and told him your turn.

After my husband got up, I had more room in the bed yipee until our cat, Maisy, came up by my face and sprawled out. At least she was courteous enough to lay face to face and not cat butt to face.

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