Le Divorce

So, Brad and Angie are divorcing and damn, it’s already getting ugly. I’ll be honest, I’ve never cared for Angie for no particular reason and I only cared about Brad Pitt in the 90’s. He was sex on a stick in Thelma and Louise and that movie where everybody dies. Shit, what’s it called? Legends Of The Fall. That was a great movie!

Since I’m a stickler for celebrity gossip and read the snarky Dlisted, I’ve heard all kinds of crazy things. Like how Brad tried to get out of dodge in a fuel truck while their private plane was stopped in Minnesota. Wha? I have plenty to say about all this. Like how for years I’ve heard rumors of Angie letting the kids run wild. But, I want to know what’s your take? Is this gossip you’re eating up or could you not care less?

I know everyone deserves privacy but even celebs can keep things under wraps if they really wanted to. Or, they can be as vocal as they want and plant stories in the court of public opinion. Look at the mess of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. This divorce between Brangelina and the pr seems like they want to do the latter.

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Is This Why People Enjoy Gardening?

My husband was looking through a gardening catalog the other day and found a page that just didn’t seem to fit in with the whole gardening theme. He said maybe they were trying to expand their clientele. Ha! One of these things is not like the other. Whatever Works, indeed.


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Pumpkin Spice Season Is Here Again. Oh, Joy!

Not real. At least, I hope not.

Not real. At least, I hope not.

I’ve bitched before about pumpkin spice and how I just don’t get all the commotion it causes. I think it’s nasty. Not the commotion it causes but the flavor. I started thinking what am I really missing or am I missing anything at all. Then, my husband will get a pumpkin spice latte, I’ll take a sip, and be like nope, nope, nope.

I feel like I’m not with the “in crowd” in high school and I’m a misfit since I don’t go ape shit for pumpkin spice everything. Then again, I was always a misfit and never with the “in crowd”. There’s pumpkin spice clogging up my social media with pictures of pumpkin spice everything.

I see pumpkin spice pancakes and yogurt (yuck), caramel corn and oreos, pudding and dessert all over my Pinterest and Instagram feeds. I just don’t get it. So, here I am again whining about how much I think pumpkin spice is gross. The season for it seemed to come much earlier for it this year and pretty soon, I’m sure I’ll see even more pumpkin spice. It makes me wonder what the weirdest pumpkin spice food is out there. I’ll keep my eye out and you do the same, then let me know.

Bah-Humbug, pumpkin spice, you nasty bitch.

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My Vagina Will Pass On That For Now

Since we’ve moved into our new house, we found that the former owners receive a ton of catalogs. Not just a few here or there. We’re talking sometimes 5 a day. They really liked to shop, apparently.

There’s the faux fur that will make you choke at the prices catalog. The fake Victorian ugly overpriced stuff catalog that doesn’t look like it’s Victorian in any way and the prices will make you choke catalog. Pets are fancy and we have overpriced shit for you to buy for them catalog. And, then there’s the I’m getting older and my vagina is drying out plus I pee myself but lets buy a fancy vibrator catalog.

Let’s say it’s called The Golden Girls catalog. I love that show. Blanche Devereaux would approve of the ultra fancy vibrators in this catalog. I never knew vibrators could be so ultra fancy and sleek in design like these are, and the prices will make you go OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

One thing that caught my eye in The Golden Girls catalog was that they had dilator dildos. Huh? What am I missing? I actually schooled myself on it with Dr. Google so it makes sense now.

If you don’t know, I guess not only do you pee yourself more and more as you age, but your vaginal tissue can shrink so there are dilators. No wonder women end up in diapers where they’re older. By the time you’re sixty, a clown car may come driving out of there.

This is a sucky instance where men have it so much better than women as we age. Women go through hell and back being menopausal with a shrunken vagina but men get to look more distinguished as they age and don’t have to worry about dilating anything.

The only time I ever dilated was when I gave birth and now I can’t even think about sneezing without peeing myself.

Did Blanch Devereaux know about this and if so, why didn’t they put it on a “very special episode of The Golden Girls.”

Blanche: Oh, what am I going to do? My vagina shrunk and I have a date tonight.

Sophia: Like that’s ever stopped you before!

Dorothy: Ma!

Rose: This one time in St. Olaf, Mrs. Schusterclimber used the village pole to dilate her vagina.

Blanche: Oh, Rose!

Dorothy: This calls for cheesecake!

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I Spent The Summer With My Husband And Didn’t Kill Him

My husband retired from the Navy over the summer and was at home. He was waiting for his new job to start but with all the paperwork and signatures they needed, he was home for two damn months. I thought he would start his new job a few weeks after he retired but nope. I would ask him if he had heard anything about it nearly everyday.

The first week was really nice. We did things like go to the farmer’s market, went to the park, went to lunch, blah, blah, blah. After all these years, I actually convinced him to go to the nail salon with me and he actually got a pedicure. He didn’t say anything afterwards, but we all know he liked it. Then, we closed on our new house and moved in. Things went pretty smoothly until the last few weeks. I wanted to get back into my routine. He started making me crazy.

When I would ask him if he heard anything and he said no, in my mind, I threw a toddler fit. The kind where you try to pick a toddler up but they go limp and are like a slippery noodle and then they throw their head back, red faced and crying while speaking gibberish. Yeah, I was like that.

And then finally, he had news that he was starting work two weeks from then. YES! I will finally have the damn house to myself!

The husband finally started work a few weeks ago and the hummingbird started school on Tuesday. I can now drink my coffee in peace and more importantly, while it’s hot.

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The Reluctant Reader


I’ve loved reading as soon as I learned to. I gobble up books but also have this book hangover I go through after each book I read. It can be hard to keep up with my reading with a kid in the house who always wants my attention. I naturally assumed since I loved to read, my dna would make her feel the same.

Oh, how wrong I was. Asking her to read and having her actually do it is like pulling teeth. Once she gets started reading, she’ll sometimes get into it. Or, if I suggest reading to her, she whines nooooooo. I love reading her the Ramona Quimby books and she’ll independently read the Princess Posey books which I highly suggest since oh my god she actually reads them, thank you sweet baby jeebus, but again, getting her started up in reading is the biggest pain in the ass.

Here are the stages I’ve gone through with my reluctant reader.

Stage one: You need to read for ten minutes. Yes. Yes. No, you’re not going to see if Samantha is home. You’re going to read. Yes. Yes! Please go and read. Please? Just read. 10 minutes. That’s all I ask. Read. Read now. I got you several different books to choose from at the library today. Maybe you just haven’t found the books that you find interesting yet. So, please go read. Yes! Read! Go!

Stage two: Would you like me to read to you? Why not? Well, let’s have you read to me. Why not? Please? Let’s just sit down and you can read to me for only 10 minutes. You need to ready every day. Yes, you do. Yes. Please read now. Why not, Well, I’m sorry that you have a scratch on your ankle but that doesn’t mean you can’t read. No, it doesn’t. No, it doesn’t. Please, hummingbird. Just read to me for five minutes then. Five minutes! No, it’s not that long. Okay, how about this. You can have a cookie after dinner. Okay, ice cream then. Yes, you can have chocolate sauce but then you have to read for ten minutes. You don’t want chocolate sauce then? Oh, you do. Then, yes, read for 10 minutes. Please just read now. Please!

Stage three: Okay, it’s time to read. We have two hours before dinner. Why don’t read for 20 minutes to yourself while I read too. Why not? No, you can’t watch PAW Patrol. It’s time to read. No. There’s no PAW Patrol while we read. The television is going off. There. Please read. Whichever book you want. There must be something you’d like to read in our library book bag. You picked out all the books. Please, pick something and read. Then, I’ll pick. Here. Okay, then you pick something now. Please, hummingbird. That looks good. Okay, you have twently minutes. No, I said for twenty minutes. Not ten. Twenty. Hummingbird, it’s only for twenty minutes. I’m not asking you to jump off a cliff. Twenty minutes and then you’ll be done for the day. Okay, how about if you read for twenty minutes and you can watch PAW Patrol. No. You can’t watch two. Just one for twenty minutes of reading. Fine, thirty minutes of reading and then you can watch two PAW Patrol’s. No, you can’t watch three. Only two if you read for thirty minutes. Okay. Thank you.

Stage four: Read! Yes! Now! Please, read now! I don’t care if you don’t want to. READ!

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Rock Steady


I’m always curious about people’s playlists. When I see someone with ear buds in, I want to walk up, take an ear bud out, and find out what they’re listening to. Since that’s too up close and personal, I’ll stare at them to see if it’s a jammin’ beat they’re swaying to or what reaction I get from them. Yes, I’m weird. I love to people watch. People fascinate me. Okay, I’m sounding really creepy now.

So, I tell myself I’ll keep my exercise playlist fresh and mix it up but it’s low on my priority list until I’m on the elliptical and start pushing shuffle for most of the songs. Here’s my current music motivation. I’m pretty embarrassed by about three or four songs on the list. Like Cool For The Summer. I find the vocals pretty ummm, awful but that song helps me move my ass.

Sober – Pink

Say It Right – Nelly Furtado

Push Upstairs – Underworld

Raise Your Glass – Pink

Problem – Ariana Grande

Everlong – Foo Fighters

Cool For The Summer – Demi Lovato

Catch My Breath – Kelly Clarkson

When Doves Cry – Prince

I Write Sins Not Tragdedies – Panic! At The Disco

No– Meghan Trainor

Locked Out Of Heaven – Bruno Mars

Miss Jackson – Panic! At The Disco

Cry Me A River – Justing Timberlake

SOS – Rihanna

Promiscuous – Nelly Fertado

Bang Bang – Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj

Firework – Katy Perry

Stronger – Kelly Clarkson

Lose Yourself – Eminem

Don’t Stop The Music – Rihanna

When Doves Cry – Prince

Just Give Me A Reason – Pink

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