When my husband wants to drag me out into the wilderness to go camping, I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s planning to kill me and I start thinking about who I want to play us in the Lifetime movie, Camping With A Killer.

We stopped by Stephen King's house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

We stopped by Stephen King’s house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

I would hope someone like Jennie Garth would play me but the way things are going for him, it would probably be Shia LaBeouf in a blond wig. I think Kanye West would be a fantastic choice for the role of my husband because Kanye is so damn angry all the time and you need that kind of drama in a Lifetime movie. Could you imagine?

Hey, honey, let’s roast some marshmallows and make some s’mores.

I don’t wanna make any fucking s’mores, damn it!! I’m Kanye West!!! I’m THE MOST CREATIVE person in the world.

Ummm, okay, how about if we go kayaking?

Fuck that noise, I’m Kanye. I AM THE MOST IMPACTFUL ARTIST OF OUR GENERATION.

Well, then, can you read the hummingbird a bedtime story?

No, no I can’t! I AM SHAKSPEARE IN THE FLESH! I don’t need books to read. I’m KANYE! I’m YEEZUS, BABY!

Yes, yes we need Kanye for my Lifetime movie. Talk about ratings gold.

So, anyway, my husband had his birthday recently and wanted to go camping for a few days. He saved his ass by reserving a cabin for us instead of actually sleeping in a tent.

I still got eaten alive by bugs, we didn’t have any air conditioning, and we reeked of bug spray, sunscreen, and smoke from the fire so I still considered it camping.

The second day that we were there, we hung out by the lake for most of the day. Next to us were 2 couples who had about 8 or 9 kids between them and I was in awe over how laid back they were.

We dubbed one of them “the chill couple”.

With just my 5 year-old, I admit I can be a helicopter mom so seeing the chill couple was fascinating. Nothing their kids did seemed to phase them. Chill couple gave their kids money when they asked for it, and the kids came bag with a ginormous bucket of cotton candy and ring pops. Their kids asked if it was okay if they ate it now and chill couple was all suuure.

They were the kind of parents I wish I could be as far as not having anything phase me. I worry about everything when it comes to the hummingbird. I thought it would get better as she got older but I worry more now that she’s out in the real world a little more. And don’t even get me started about her beginning kindergarten in the fall and all the worry I have about that. Eeek!

Anyway, nothing ever bothered chill couple the whole afternoon, no matter if their kids whined, were fighting, or however many times they yelled out Watch! Watch this!! from the lake.

As we were driving back to our cabin that night, my husband let me in on a little secret of chill couple.

He told me they had been slamming back beers since early that morning.

AHA! The secret to chill parenting is lots and lots and lots of alcohol. Duh!

The hummindbird caught a fish.

The hummindbird caught a fish.

I actually had a really nice time once the shock of the wilderness and being eaten alive by horse flies and mosquitoes wore off. Sidenote: Moose have been in the news more frequently here as far as being involved in car accidents. They said the reason they’re more prevalent in the summer is because more cars are on the road AND the summer bugs of Maine drive moose crazy so they run out of the woods into the roads here.

So, yeah, 1,000 pound moose are driven so crazy by the damn bugs here which is why they run into the roads. Now I don’t feel so bad about bitching so much when it comes to the bug bites I get just from being outside a few minutes because even big ass moose can’t handle it.

On the way back home, it took a few hours to get back into civilization and wi-fi and we drove through a really small town that had signs on either side of the street. To the left. Vote Yes! A few feet after that: Vote no!

On the right: Vote YES! Vote no!

We had no idea what this tiny town was voting over but they had the yes and no signs on both sides of the street for at least a mile and it was like watching a tennis match.

Then the husband and I were talking about some of the things we did as kids to our parents. I forgot how that even came up but we agreed that one of the worst things we did was when we would go out shopping with our moms. Back then, they had circular clothes racks and the hubby and I were talking about what a kick we got out of hiding in the middle of the rack.

As I would hear the panic grow in my mom’s voice as she would be calling my name and looking for me, I would be in the clothes rack, giggling like crazy. The hubby also had fond memories of doing that to his mom.

We talked about some more bad behavior like that and that’s when I came to the conclusion that we were total assholes. If the hummingbird ever pulled that on me, unlike the chill couple, I would probably have a heart attack.

Once we finally got home, I actually missed our little cabin but after firing up my laptop and the television, I soon got over that. But, yes, we had fun. And I came out of it alive.

Sorry, Lifetime.

What are you doing this summer?

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7 DIY Going Green Recipes

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I try to be as eco-friendly as I can although I don’t always succeed. But with these DIY green recipes, it makes the gradual changes I’ve been making a lot easier. They all link over to What The Flicka? where I was doing my Green It Yourself series.

1. Furniture Polish and Dust Cleaner: My daughter loves to help me clean and I don’t have to worry about harsh chemicals.

2. Citrus Infused Vinegar: I love the scent and it’s a great disinfectant.

3. Grapefruit and Lemon Cleaning Spray: This is my favorite go-to cleaning spray. I even use it for spot cleaning on our bathroom and kitchen floors. An excellent cleaner that won’t make you flee the room from overpowering fumes.

4. Powder Dishwasher Detergent: I’m very happy with the way my dishes come out when using this.

5. Fruit and Vegetable Wash: Several of the DIY cleaners I’ve made incorporates grapefruit seed extract, which has anti-bacterial, anti-fungal, and anti-viral properties.

6. Dry Shampoo For Light and Dark Hair: Save money by using these simple ingredients.

7. Stain Remover: I have two cats and a young daughter… this is a must to have on hand!

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Book Review: The Mother Of All Meltdowns

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The Mother Of All Meltdowns is a collection of stories written by 30 bloggers who write about their very relatable “mommy meltdowns” when dealing with their children. The candid experiences these moms share will make you want to put everything else on hold while you dive into this delectable read.

From Lego stress and getting that precious liquid gold through TSA to Christmas flu and a fantastic powdered sugar fight.

It had me feeling much better when it comes to some of my own meltdowns I’ve had with my 5 year-old. One of my fondest moments came when I was in the parking lot of a grocery store just a few weeks shy of Christmas. My husband had run into the store for some formula and I was waiting in the car with my then 7 month old daughter.

In just a few short minutes, my little girl had one of the worst diapers I’ve ever smelled. Even though we were about 5 minutes from our house, I couldn’t take it and decided to change her in the car. There were several parking spaces all around us and after making sure the coast was clear, I popped out of the car with my butt in the air while I tried to set the record for the world’s fastest diaper change.

The passenger side door kept on hitting me in the back on the legs while I was changing my daughter’s diaper and I was simultaneously trying to keep a look out for cars while making sure there wasn’t contact with the loaded diaper and the car interior and trying to keep my baby happy.

All of a sudden I heard a man yell “Get your ass out of the way!”

Huh, me??

Oh yes, he was talking to me. Out of all of the parking spaces around us, this older man wanted the one right next to our car. I was in mid wipe and tried to scootch the car door closed as much as I could without slamming it on my ass. “Move your ass, lady!” Oh no, he didn’t!!

Tis ‘the season to be jolly!

My blood began to boil but I tried to remain calm. I replied by saying I’m right in the middle of changing my child’s diaper and I’m going as fast as I could. “That’s not my f*cking problem.”  is what I got in return.

Fa la la la la.

Trust me, I had a very clear thought of wiping my daughter up and then taking her poopy diaper and slamming it on this man’s car windshield. Then, I pictured my husband walking out of the store and seeing police cars and me in handcuffs, being charged with defacing property.

I’ll pass.

The man couldn’t finish getting in the parking space because my ass was hanging out of the back seat so he started revving up the engine of his car.

Joy to the world!

I have quite a mouth and can make a trucker blush but somehow I didn’t go off on this jerk. With my face hot and as red as fire, I yelled out “JUST GIVE ME A DAMN SECOND!!” and surprised myself with the lack of f-bomb’s. Who am I?

I was pissed beyond belief. Despite the several other parking spaces around, this man finally got into the one next to us and yelled at me the entire way as he walked into the store.

I still had that poopy diaper in my hand and wanted to grab my daughter and run after him, screaming and cursing him out while I went SPLAT with the diaper on his windshield. By this time, my head was exploding with rage and my daughter was crying. My husband finally came out of the grocery store and he saw me red faced with both me and my daughter crying our eyes out.

I’m pretty sure what I told him about the older man in the car made absolutely no sense but he calmed us both down. The huge glass of wine I had after we got home was a big help as well.

No matter what stage of motherhood you’re in, The Mother Of All Meltdowns will reasonate with you.

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Mark Ruffalo riding a unicycle.

Happy 4th of July! It’s no secret that I have a slight obsession that’s putting it mildy with Mark Ruffalo, swoon, so lets watch him ride a unicycle. And this is where I have to comment and say “He should be riding me.” Bada bing!

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20 DIY ways to pamper your skin.

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Once upon a time, I used to be an Esthetician and although I’m still licensed, I’d like to go back to school to update my skills. I love making my own skin care products and hope to someday have my own small skin care line that I can sell on Etsy or even my own blog.

Some of the recipes are what I’ve done over at What The Flicka? I hope you enjoy these DIY skin care recipes I’ve come up with!

1. Chocolate Pecan Pie Body Scrub.

2. Hydrating Body Butter.

3. Cafè Mocha Face mask.

4. Cocoa butter Lotion Bars.

5. Dark Chocolate and Red Wine Face Mask.

6. Skin Brightening Papaya Face Mask.

7. Soothing Parsley Toner.

8. Cinnamon Face Mask For Acne.

9. Chocolate Espresso Mask For Face And Body.

10. Blueberry Pie Face Mask.

11. Coconut Cream Sugar Scrub.

12. Antiseptic Ointment.

13. Super Moisturizing Lip Balm.

14. Cinnamon Sugar Foot Scrub.

15. Warm Vanilla and Chocolate Salt Scrub and Sugar Mama Lip Exfoliator.

16. Oatmeal Cookie Bath Soak.

17. Fizzy Bath Bombs.

18. Brown Sugar Blackhead Scrub.

19. Oat Straw And Goat’s Milk Bath Tea.

20. Vanilla Latte Bar Soap.

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Hot soccer guy.

I’ve always been attracted to grungy, rocker type guys, although my husband is pretty clean cut. But as I’ve gotten older, when it comes to men, I ain’t be hatin’ or discriminatin’.

Omg, that’s the first time I’ve ever used “ain’t” and it’s driving me crazy and making me feel neurotic and I want to change it and ahhhhh……

Anyway, as I’ve gotten older, a hot man is a hot man is a hot man.

Enter hot soccer guy (Jon Brownwell), who I discovered on Facebook the other day.

The woman in me says “Honey, lay your fine ass down and let me have my way with you.”

The mom and wife in me says “Honey, lay your fine ass down and let me do a few loads of laundry on your rock hard, washboard abs and then I’ll feed you warm cookies with a glass of milk and dig up some band-aids from the bottom of my purse for your non-existant boo boos that you keep whining about. What’s that? You don’t want the SpongeBob band-aid? You want an Ariel one. Sweetie, mommy doesn’t think I have any Ariel ones. Just use SpongeBob. No? Fine, let me take another look. Oh, lookie here. I have Tinkerbell. She’s kind of like a princess. Sweetheart, just take Tinkerbell. No, no I don’t have a princess band-aid. Take. the. Tinkerbell. band-aid. before. mommy. loses. her. mind.”

Where was I? Oh yeah. Hot soccer guy.

jb11

 

jb22

 

Jonathan Brownwell (6)

 

jonbrownwellyum1

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Children’s Book Review: The Worst Princess

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The Worst Princess

I’m just going to jump right in and say this is a must have for your young daughter’s library. The hummingbird and I love this book and I usually end up reading it 2 or 3 times in a row. The story has such a wonderful rhythm.

It’s about a Princess. Princess Sue, to be exact. She’s ready to find her Prince and live the life she was destined for. Princess Sue finally gets what has always been expected  of her but quickly sees that getting her Prince isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

She wants more than the beautiful dresses and shoes she’s given. She also wants more than just living in the tower of her Prince’s castle. Princess Sue finds a friend in a dragon and with that, she finds that she alone can make herself happy. Girl power!

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