10 Things To Do Before Christmas

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10. Battle it out with the tape and wrapping paper.

9. Get a sugar buzz from hot cocoa.

8. Get a buzz from spiked hot chocolate.

7. Curse out the Christmas lights.

6. Cry when hearing your favorite holiday song. Damn you, emotions!

5. Buy enough booze for a small army because family is coming.

4. Decide you want to get a jump start to a healthier lifestyle and don’t make it past dinner because CHRISTMAS COOKIES.

3. Wonder why the hell you’re sending holiday cards to half the people on your card list.

2. Say “I’m never doing this shit again!”

1. Watch Elf.

Happy Holidays!

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Inconvenient

The Cycle Of Depression.

~~~~~

Things are fine.

I’ve just been feeling a little tired.

I’m so proud of my daughter and my husband seems to get me.

I’m starting classes in a few months and feeling a little nervous about my age.

I feel so old but who the hell cares.

This is big for me and I’m feeling pretty good.

But there’s a creeping sadness that I can’t seem to shake.

Maybe if I got to the gym an extra day this week, I’ll feel better.

~~~~~

I went to bed early last night but it doesn’t feel like I got much sleep.

There’s a tightness in my chest that seems to last most of the day.

There are a few times a day when I have a feeling of dread and I can’t seem to catch my breath at times because of the panic that has been seeping into me.

I want to talk about it with my husband but I know he won’t understand.

~~~~~

I don’t want to get out of bed.

I was up most of the night reading and watching Friends to take my mind off the anxiety and racing heart every time I tried to go to sleep last night.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the time I was 16 and was doing some really stupid shit.

Why couldn’t I have been a better kid?

And why did I treat my mom like shit and say what I did when I was 23?

I have no idea how I still have people in my life that deal with me.

I can be so selfish and ungrateful.

~~~~~

My classes are coming up soon.

I have no idea what I was thinking when I thought I could go back to school.

I can’t even find enough time to keep the house up and running.

I need to get more sleep but I keep waking up.

Last night I was thinking about how I yelled at my daughter that morning because we were running late for school.

That was so shitty of me.

Tonight when I was kissing her good night, she hugged me tight and told me she loved me in her sweet little voice.

Why can’t I be a better mother?

~~~~~

My husband took my daughter out ice skating Sunday morning and I slept in until 10 am.

Despite that, I’m exhausted.

I’m still not out of bed and it’s noon.

I can’t believe I didn’t go with them to watch my daughter ice skate.

She didn’t seem to mind but I should have gone anyway.

I feel like a burden.

I’m like some inconvenient thing to everyone I know.

My life doesn’t seem to be going anywhere and I shouldn’t even take those classes next month.

Nothing really matters and everything I do seems inconsequential.

~~~~~

I don’t even know why I bother.

~~~~~

My daughter read a little story she wrote this morning.

It felt nice to smile again and mean it.

I wish I could be a better mom to my sweet girl.

My husband deserves a better mother for our child.

But I know I’m doing my best.

~~~~~

I finally got more than a few hours sleep last night.

If this keeps up, maybe I can make it to the gym in a few days.

I talked with my husband about the panic attacks I was having and while he didn’t seem to get it, I feel better that I said something.

~~~~~

I was in the kitchen this afternoon and turned on some music.

It felt good to dance around the kitchen and have a little fun.

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Specifics

I had an English teacher who would say “Write as if you were describing something to someone who didn’t know anything about your subject”. I always thought that was great advice but I didn’t realize that I would be using it the most when it comes to having a 6 year-old.

Of course I don’t expect her to know the basics and it’s not like she read a life manual in the womb, although that would be nice. But, I never realized just how much I wish I could record my voice with instructions on how to do things because I always sound like a broken record, saying things over and over and over and over again.

I never realized just how specific you have to be with kids.

Wash your hands….. with soap! – I’m always calling this out to her when I ask her to wash her hands and she’ll say “I know!” in response but if I don’t say it and she comes back from the bathroom after she washed her hands, I’ll ask if she washed with soap. That’s when I get her doing the crumpled shoulders, the sigh, and her walking back to the sink to use soap.

The hummingbird still doesn’t understand the importance of washing her hands. She’ll come home from school and crawl around on her hands and knees acting like one of the pups from Paw Patrol while I make her a snack in the kitchen. I’ll say go wash your hands…. with soap and she’ll let me know she already washed her hands. When?, I’ll ask. After lunch, she responds.

Well, you need to wash your hands. Okaaaaay she’ll say. The bird will come back and I’ll ask her if she washed her hands. She says yes but I’ll quickly say “With soap?” Shoulders slumped, she walks back to wash her hands… with soap. Omg, can I start drinking at 3:30 in the afternoon? Are kids allergic to soap? Will I still be telling her this in 10 years?

The soap is right there by the handle of the faucet, yet kids seem to have selective hearing AND selective sight.

It’s right there! – It seems so simple. I’ll have my daughter picking up a mess she made and there will be something right by her foot or behind her, it’s always something close by. Enter selective sight. I’ll tell the hummingbird that the book she’s looking for is behind her on the floor near her left foot.

I’ll be in the kitchen cooking dinner and peek my head into the living room to tell her again. She’ll turn around and ask where. I respond with “On the floor, behind you, by your left foot. No, your other left foot.”

Where?, she says.

By your left foot.

I don’t see it.

Look down by your left foot. Now, look behind your left foot. Do you see it?

No.

It’s by your left foot…

That’s when I point to it.

Where?, she says.

It’s behind you, by your left foot. Right there.

There’ll be a confused look on her face.

I finally walk out of the kitchen, pick up the book, and hand it to her.

OH! There it is, she says.

*Facepalm*

You need to put the tissue over your nose when you blow. – My 6 year-old is getting much better about this now but in the beginning there was this whole thing about her trying to learn how to blow her know which I found hard as hell to explain at first. It seemed like something simple to teach. Just blow out of your nose.

She would be holding the tissue in her hand on her lap while trying to blow and I’d be like whoa, whoa, whoa! Sweetie, you need to put the tissue over your nose so you don’t blow snot everywhere.

Ick.

Bathroom manners and hygiene. – There have been museums I’ve gone to where an automated voice will activate as you’re walking into a room. And, that’s exactly what I need for our bathroom. A child cannot simply use the bathroom and boom, easy peasy. They have to make it a test of your patience and sanity.

Wipe, flush, wash hands… with soap! I say this countless times a day and feel pretty twitchy by the time she’s doing her bedtime routine at night. I’ll sometimes get ready for bed with her and guiding the bird.

Did you flush?

Yes!

She didn’t.

You did?, said with a questioning voice.

Oh, I forgot.

Can you flush, please.

And did you wash your hands?

Yes!

Really?, in my best suspicious mom voice.

Oh, no… I forgot.

Well, wash your hands….

With soap!

*Sara Bareilles

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It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like…

This year, my husband found that several of our Christmas lights weren’t working. After a few nights of him fixing them with some clicky thingamajig, he wasn’t making much progress. Since I couldn’t stand to hear that clicking thing he would click continuously to replace the bulbs of the lights, I suggested he just get new lights.

But that was way too simple. He said he could fix them so for another week he would be downstairs with that click machine.

Click.

Click.

Click.

Oh my god, it drove me crazy. Clicky click. Motherfucking click. Still, no lights.

And then a miracle happened. After the designated man time that passed by so it wouldn’t seem like he was, GASP, actually listening to me, he finally got new lights.

Men.

The hummingbird mostly decorated the tree herself and had a blast since my guy was still determined to fix the damn lights but finally gave up and then spent a few more days putting up the new lights that actually worked and I’ve been in cleaning mode.

I still wasn’t in the Christmas spirit until my husband stopped fucking with the lights and found the most awesome and inappropriate Christmas decoration, Peeny.

Once Peeny went up on our mantle, my mood lifted. It’s impossible to not get a case of the giggles when I see him above the fireplace. Because I have the humor of a 12 year-old boy.

Here’s to happy holidays and lights that work!

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*Natasha Bedingfield

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Book Suggestions For Adults And Kids

Thanksgiving is coming and so are my in-laws. The horror! Here are some book suggestions in case you want to hide away from crazy relatives and dive into another world that doesn’t involve an uppity mother-in-law criticizing the most trivial shit. Good luck on the day we give thanks and have to do this again next year with family that drives us crazy.

Happy Thanksgiving. The news seems to be more grim than usual and I know it’s been tough on everyone, no matter where you live. Much love!

the-winter-people

The Winter People – Strange things are going on in West Hall, Vermont but what is it? This book goes back and forth from present day to 1908. Make sure to leave the lights on while you’re reading. Great book!

me-before-you

Me Before You – This book is beautiful and I fell in love with it right away. Louisa takes on a much-needed job with a quadriplegic, Will Traynor, and it is a really fantastic read.

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How Groundhog’s Garden Grew – This is an adorable book about a groundhog eating food from other gardens. His friends point out that it’s not nice to help himself to other’s food so he gets help making his own garden. Ages 3-7.

boy-and-bot

Boy + Bot – This is a cute story about the friendship about a boy and a robot. Ages 2-6

the-ladybug-girl

The Ladybug Girl At The Beach – If only it was still beach weather! This was the first book in the ladybug girl series that we read. Lulu is going to the beach for the first time and she has mixed feeling about it. This is a great book that shows kids that each person has their own way of confronting their fears. Ages 3-6.

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P. Zonka Lays An Egg – This has already gone on the hummingbird’s Christmas list because of the gorgeous illustrations and the wonderful message in the book. P. Zonka isn’t like other chickens and takes her time to enjoy the beauty around her, unlike the chickens who are laying a lot of eggs. Ages 3-8.

my-leaf-book

My Leaf Book – My 6 year-old loves collecting leaves, sticks, rocks, and everything else so she loves this book about leaves. It shows kids some of the differences of leaves and makes it fun. Ages 3-6.

butterfly-park

Butterfly Park – A little girl moves to a new town and finds a butterfly park without any butterflies. Soon, with the help of the townspeople, everyone comes together to make a special park. Ages 3-7.

*Are You That Somebody

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Orange Pomegranate Fizz With Vodka

photo credit: ecurry

Photo credit: ecurry

I’ve been having a bad luck dinner week and to top it off, had a royal fuck up last night. I made veggie lasagna with a white sauce that I know is delicious but my mind escaped me and I used oven ready noodles. I realized in the middle of making this lasagna that it might be a big mistake but was hoping for the best.

Nope. Nada. I royally fucked up the lasagna with crunchy noodles. So, off my husband went to Domino’s. Okay, it was more like I started whining about how I really messed up dinner and it was totally inedible and oh my god, we’re all starving and it’s too late to make anything else so please, please, PLEASE go to Domino’s.

Since I’ve been spending more time in the kitchen fucking up dinner more than normal, I came up with this drink in between cursing and stomping around the kitchen. Cheers to you!

Orange Pomegranate Fizz

1 oz vodka

1/2 cup orange sparkling water

4 oz pomegranate juice

splash of orange juice

Combine in a glass with ice, stir, and enjoy.

*I Write Sins Not Tragedies

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Beyond Belief

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I read the book Beyond Belief: My Secret Life Inside Scientology and My Harrowing Escape by Jenna Miscavige Hill, which was really good but so beyond belief. Jenna is the niece of Scientology’s COB, David Miscavige.

The things I read in that book just blew my mind. Jenna joining the Sea Org at age 7, signing a billion year contract, hard labor, seeing her parents once a week, if that, little education… mostly of Scientology teachings.

I got sucked into learning more about Scientology and read Blown For Good by Marc Headley. His wife was forced to get an abortion since she was a part of the Sea Org i.e. slave labor and pregnancy isn’t allowed. There was also a very fucked up account of David Miscavige, okay not just one account but many, and this one involved a sort of musical chairs with Bohemian Rhapsody being played. The ones who didn’t make it would be kicked out of the Church Of $cientology.

Before I finished that, I also jumped into reading Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and The Prison Of Belief from Lawrence Wright. This is the book an HBO documentary was based on earlier this year.

Then I found out even stranger things that were so off the wall but after reading these 3 books, I’m much more apt to believe the former members of Scientology, like Paul Haggis, than the spokespeople of Scientology who dismiss them as having some kind of agenda against them or are attention seekers.

This shit is freaky.

For years I’ve heard bits and pieces about Scientology from Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Kirstie Alley but holy fuck, these people don’t seem to have any clue about what really goes on in the “church”.

Any little thing, for instance just trying to leave the church, can send a member to RPF, Rehabilitation Project Force, which is like a prison or more like hell on earth.

What Katie Didn’t Know is an article about how one Scientology member was groomed to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend and the woman, actress Nazanin Boniadi, made a mistake in the eyes of the church and was sent off packing after living with Cruise.

I’ll be honest, from the early days of Tom Cruise, I wasn’t a fan and never got the appeal of him. It always seemed like he put on a happy face but underneath he seemed like he would flip the fuck out over anything. I guess I wasn’t too far off.

I just got Leah Remini’s Book, Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood And Scientology, and what I’ve learned is that anytime I read anything about Scientology, it still surprises me. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

The “Church” spokepeople always have the same old bullshit retaliations about former members who were “out of control”, they’re trying to further their careers, blah blah blah, but after reading three of these books so far, I find one thing certain. Scientology is full of shit. There’s way too many things in all of the books that really add up.

There were definitely certain parts of these books that got the little hairs in the back of my neck standing up. While a lot of the ways of the CO$ is beyond belief, the truth really is stranger than fiction.

~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t know about you but I need a palate cleanser after all the CO$ talk, so here’s a cute bunny.

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