Trying To Explain What A Ninja Is To My 5 Year-Old Is Harder Than I Thought… Even With Reenactments.

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So, the title started out as a tweet and a status update on Facebook. But then I started thinking of all the times I need to explain what words mean to the hummingbird.

Needless to say, kids are expert question people. As they should be. But at the same time, I mostly feel like the dumbest person on the planet when I try to explain things to my daughter.

It’s exactly like assignments I would get every now and then while in school. With the teacher saying you need to write a paper explaining a specific topic as if nobody else in the room knew anything about it.

I would think “I’m so glad school won’t last forever so I don’t have to do these kind of things!”

Then I had a kid.

Why the hell isn’t this in What To Expect?!

Chapter 14: When Your Child Asks You A Question And You Don’t Know What The Fuck To Say.

Step 1: Tell them to go ask their father, neighbor, best friend, cat, wild raccoon in the backyard, etc.

Step 2: If that fails, offer them a cookie so you can divert their attention away from a question that will take days to explain, complete with charts, graphs, reenactments, more explaining, and several bottles of wine.

Get with it, baby book people!

Somehow, the word ninja came up in conversation and the hummingbird asked what that meant.

Uhhhh. Ummm. Well…

Ninja means someone is a… ummm, uhhh.

The way I tried to explain what a ninja was to my daughter caused her to have more questions and that’s when I pulled out some moves.

I started punching the air with my fists and doing high kicks.

I could only imagine how I looked.

There was another time recently when I gave my daughter some pirate’s booty for a snack. She said they seemed weird so I tasted one and told her they’re stale. I didn’t think anything of it.

She was quiet for a minute and then asked me what stale means. That led me to ramble on about what stale is and I even threw in how mostly crackers and bread can get stale but food in the freezer can go stale in a different way and get freezer burn.

That led to even more questions and it was the longest 15 minute car ride ever!

I don’t always know how to explain things to her and when I do, it leads to more questions and I’m sure I overload her with all kinds of information.

Then, there are those awkward times when you aren’t quite sure how to approach a matter with your child. It can be easy to forget their innocence.

As I kissed her goodnight and was about to leave my 5 year-old’s room, she asked me how a baby gets into a mom’s belly.

Uhhh. Ummm. Well…

I was taken by surprise and said when 2 people want a child, a baby grows in the mom’s tummy. She knew I was leaving something out and had a sly look on her face when she asked “So, a baby just crawls into a mom’s belly?”

I said yes. Mostly because it was late and wasn’t at all prepared to talk about sex. But that’s what ended up happening. A very strange and awkward conversation about how babies are made.

Something I thought, when the time came, I would explain in a clear manner but ended up sounding like Porky Pig.

She was still full of questions and that’s when I pulled the “Why don’t you wait and ask your dad those questions tomorrow.”

By the next day, it was forgotten so my husband escaped the topic but I’m sure when it comes up again, I’ll be the one she asks.

And then I will refer her to the wild raccoons that roam in our backyard at night. They would probably make more sense explaining these kinds of things to my kid anyway.

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Mini Salted Caramel Apple Pies

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We went to an apple orchard recently and have enough to survive off of for a year. Okay, maybe not that long but it feels like it. A few days ago, I made these mini pies and they are really good. I think I may try to make one whole pie next time. Although, the mini pies are nice for a little treat… if you can just eat one. They’re also great to put in your child’s lunch for a treat.

I hope you enjoy!

Ingredients:

Refrigerated pie dough

1 1/2 cups apples, sliced and peeled (cut them into the size of corn kernels)

2 teaspoons of lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 cup sugar

6 store-bought caramels (cut into fourths)

Sea salt

Egg wash (1 egg, whisked with 1 tablespoon water)

sugar for outside of pies

Directions:

Preheat oven to 425 F.

In a small bowl, add the apples, lemon juice, cinnamon, sugar, and flour. Mix to incorporate. Sprinkle a little flour onto a cutting board. Unwrap 2 refrigerated pie dough crusts onto the cutting board. Take a glass or cookie cutter (the glass I used is 3 inches in diameter) and cut out the pie crusts. I was able to get 16 all together.

Line baking sheet with parchment paper and lay the pie crust on sheet. Divide the apple mixture and caramel evenly onto the pie crusts. Add a pinch of sea salt to the top of each. Place the tops of the pie crusts over the mixture. I slightly rolled out the tops to fit them easier. Using a fork, crimp around the edges of the mini pies.

With a knife, cut two holes on top of the pies. Brush each apple pie with the egg wash. Sprinkle them with sugar and put into the oven for 15 minutes or until golden brown.

Take out of the oven and let the pies rest for 10 minutes. Store in an airtight container or you can choose to devour several. I kept them in the refrigerator and warmed them up in the microwave for 10-15 seconds.

*True Love

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Hey Siri, Play Guns N’ Roses, November Rain. Siri: Forecast For Tomorrow, 63 Degrees And Mild.

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Technology is supposed to make things easier but obviously, there are times when you wish you kept a sledgehammer handy.

My husband finally got a smartphone. Since he’s in the military, at his last job, he had to have a phone without a camera for security reasons. He would give me shit for the obsession I have with my iPhone but now he’s currently having quite the love affair with Siri. And it’s driving me crazy.

Mostly because Siri acts like a drunk crackhead.

Sure, it’s pretty entertaining but Siri, get your shit together! The husband asks Siri things over and over and over again and in that time, he could have easily Googled the same thing hundreds of times.

Husband: Hey Siri, play November Rain.

Siri: Forecast for tomorrow is mild at 63.

Husband: Hey Siri, play November Rain.

Siri: I found rain on Wikipedia. Let me get that for you now.

Husband: Hey Siri, look up cats farting.

Hummingbird: *giggles*

Siri: Hi Husband, what can I help you with?

~~~~~

I don’t usually deal with Siri on my phone but my husband convinced me to give it a shot. To save my sanity, I’ll pass on Siri for now.

Me: Hey Siri, email husband.

Siri: Facetime with Carrie beginning now.

Me: Hey Siri, email Husband.

Siri: Which song would you like?

Me: Hey Siri, email HUSBAND!

Siri: Facetime with Carrie beginning now.

Me: Hey Siri, you dumbfuck… EMAIL HUSBAND!

Siri: Playing video, Californication.

Me: SIRI! CALL HUSBAND!

Siri: Would you like home, cell, or other?

Me: Cell.

Siri: Facetime with Eric beginning now.

Stab! Stab! Stab!

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Guest Post: Breaking Dawn

This guest post comes from Scott Williams. He’s a writer who was first published in his 4th grade school newspaper. He was later published in a book of poetry that was most likely a scam, but he was published none the less. Choosing to see this as a symbol of honor, he never gave up writing.

When he found out he was going to be a dad for the first time, Scott decided to start this new adventure in a way he had never attempted. He started his own blog. And thus Raising Hubigail was born.

~~~~~~~~~~

This happened. Click for previous part.

I honestly don’t know why I called this Breaking Dawn. Maybe my subconscious was trying to find a correlation between my frustration, angst, and pointless drama, and an equally pointless source of drama, angst, and frustration. That’s right. I just slammed the Twilight saga.

Oh, I was going to tell you the most frustrating thing my wife does. It isn’t just one thing. It is the combination of several things at any given time.

After all the human father guy has been through just in the beginning, there is a myriad of obstacles he has yet to even realize. And, they only get worse as time goes on. Lets explore a few of them, shall we? Keep in mind that many if not all of these examples are the direct result of the changes a woman goes through during the “miracle” of child birth.

We, as men, acknowledge this fact and do not blame the woman. That only makes it ten times more frustrating.

Pregnancy Brain Fog!

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I feel I should explain what I believe is the source of all of this. Here we were enjoying life. My wife and I are very much the same. We don’t enjoy shopping. Each trip is usually “an in and out as quick as we can” sort of adventure (unless it is a Walmart date). We think the same and feel the same about almost everything. Drama is the worst thing ever invented. Stupid people annoy us. Inconsiderate people annoy us even more. Unfortunately, there are so much of all of this taking over the world. Because of this, we like to stay home and enjoy each others company rather than venture out and come back irritated and frustrated.

Since my wife got pregnant, life has changed dramatically (the worst way for anything to change ever invented). Whether it be the grocery store, school, the doctor’s office, or all the other things that seem to pop up, we always need to be going somewhere. Thus, our exposure to the previously mentioned unsavory people is greatly increased.

Additionally, my wife’s pregnancy brain fog has taken a hold of her. But it comes and goes. It is very similar to watching a person in the early stages of dementia. Trust me, I have some experience with that. They have their own sort of logic and you never quite know where their mind is. Sometimes they seem completely functional and able to do everything. But, since you have been paying attention all this time, you know that this could be a trick as dementia patience are prone to hide their condition.

You have to be ready at any time to correct or complete a story. You also need to be able to add details to what they are saying as they tend to forget that the first part of the conversation was in their head or that the other person is unaware of facts they have no reason to be aware of. This is very draining.

Occasionally, they have a moment of clarity and realize exactly what is going on. This is both good and bad. It is good because I have these occasional wonderful moments with the woman I married. Bad because it makes all the other times that much worse. Unlike dementia, this pregnancy brain fog is contagious. So, now we have two mindless people on alternating schedules of clarity.

Sort of the blind leading the blind scenario. On the rare occasion that we are both clear at the same time, 99.9% of that time it is ruined by having to go somewhere and deal with people we don’t care to (see above section about stupid and inconsiderate people) rather than enjoy our time together. This is the reason that I am always running 4 levels above the normal “frustration zone”. I just want my wife back.

Walking or the inability to do so.

pregnant-on-beachYou may be thinking this is just a still shot. You would be wrong. This is a full speed video of a pregnant woman walking. I don’t know how many times my wife and I have been walking somewhere and all of a sudden she was gone. I looked back and there she was standing in the middle of the road or in any other worst possible place to stop, rubbing her belly.

Never did she utter a single word or signal to me that she was no longer by my side. Really, it was a surprise every time. She now just grabs my arm and pulls me to a stop with her. Still in the middle of the street or at the edge of a cliff that is quickly eroding. She pauses to let a contraction pass or catch her breath while I stare into the eyes of our impending death.

What’s worse is that any time we go anywhere it takes forever to do anything. Everything is sssslllloooowwww mmmmoooottttiiiioooonnnn. Walking through Walmart is equally as frustrating as getting stuck behind a car going 25 mph on a road where it is absolutely impossible to pass. You are not in a hurry. You are not going to be late for anything. No big deal. You can wait.

But, what if you drove this road every day? What if every day you get stuck behind this car? What if every day there is a line of cars building up behind you and you know they think you are the one who is driving slow even though you have veered off to the right side several times to let them see that there is a car in front of you?

And, what if said line of cars has had enough and they drive as close to you as they can without actually touching your bumper while honking and alternating between flipping the bird and loading their firearm? Multiply that feeling by ten. Oh the humanity.

*Read the full post here.

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What The Hummingbird Has Learned In Kindergarten So Far

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I ask my daughter how her day was at school after she gets settled back home. Most of the time, I get nada from her. But later on, I may find what she’s been doing in school through hearing and watching her play. Her teacher has a blog so I can go on there and see the books she’s been reading to the class, etc.

Of course, my daughter may wait to tell me ALL about her day 2 minutes before we need to leave the house for her gymnastics class, when it’s GO time and we’re in a rush.

I really love to know what she’s doing in school so I can expand on that at home. But this is how it usually goes…

Me: Did you have fun?

Hummingbird: Yeah.

Me: What did you do?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Me: Did you play?

Hummingbird: Yes.

Me: Who’d you play with?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Me: Did your teacher read?

Hummingbird: Yeah.

Me: What did she read?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Me: Did you have art class today?

Hummingbird: Yeah.

Me: What did you do in art class?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Agghhh!

A few days ago, I finally found what she’s been learning in school. In a way that only a kid can sum things up.

Hummingbird: *burp*

Hummingbird: Mom, you know what?

Me: What?

Hummingbird: I burpted!

Me: I know. I think they heard you down the street!

Hummingbird: Mom? *in her sweet voice*

Mom: Yes? *thinks* Maybe she’s going to tell me she loves me. Awww, I have the best kid in the world.

Hummingbird: I want to take my burp and put it in a package in the mail.

I want to mail it to my class and when they open it up, it’s me burping… and farting!

I want to put me burping AND farting in the mail and send it to my school so my class and teacher can hear it! *laughs*

Me: *thinks* Okay, I wasn’t expecting this but… my kid is a genius!

Hummingbird: Mom? MOM? What do you think?

Me: Ewwww! So gross and so awesome!

Hummingbird: That’s what I think!

I have the best kid in the world.

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What’s For Lunch?

It’s the third week since the hummingbird started Kindergarten, and I still haven’t gotten the hang of the full-time school thing. It’s more of ” Where in the hell did my time with her go?!”

The little hummingbird’s school is excellent and very welcoming so I’ve been going there to see her at lunch or recess a few times a week. And yes, I peek a lot at what other kids are eating.

I’m kind of in awe of the kids I see who devour everything in sight since my daughter is not that way whatsoever. But, I’m still gradually introducing more foods into her diet and while it may take bribing with promises of chocolate, a My Little Pony doll, and even a little allowance, she has let me incorporate a few new things, like salsa.

One may ask “How can you not like the deliciousness that is salsa?”. Well, my 5 year-old was one of them. GASP! It took many years, but she’s now a salsa convert.

Given that my kid is so tiny and in the 3rd percentile, if that, I’ll stick with my bribing ways. Something I promised I would never do before I was a parent.

Oh well, I’ll just put that in the big ass pile of other things I said I’d never do as a mom.

IMG_9715-1L to R: *Strawberries

* Carrots

*Cheez-It Crackers

*Tortilla wrap with peanut butter and strawberry jam

*Ranch dressing in container

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L to R: *Goldfish

*Grapes

*Bagel with cream cheese and jam

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It was my first time sending a cold cheese quesadilla in her lunch so I packed her extra food in case she didn’t like it. She did!

L to R: * Tortilla chips

* Hello Kitty peanut butter and honey sandwich

*Granola bar under sandwich

*Applesauce pouch

*A winning cheese quesadilla

* Salsa in container

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Homemade lunchable.

*Kiwi

*Sweet pickles

*Goldfish

*Sharp cheddar

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L to R: * Granola bar

*A clementine and blueberries

*Maple syrup in container

*Mini pancakes

*Sliced hot dog

I’ve had people ask me about the different things I use to add a little extra pizzaz to her lunch. So, here goes…

*EasyLunchboxes.

*Silicone round baking cups.

*EasyLunchboxes containers for condiments.

*Silicone square baking cups.

*CuteZCute animal picks and forks.

*Hello Kitty cookie cutter. This one came from Hong Kong so it took a few weeks to receive.

I try to add a little note in the hummingbird’s lunch box but I’ve also found some cute printable notes as well. I read her the notes the morning of. It took me much longer than I’d care to admit when it came to finding printables that I really liked. Damn, Pinterest! “Oh yeah, I’ll just check in on Pinterest for a few minutes”. Ha!

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Thank You

I’ve been having a really tough week with depression and even though you may not know it, I wanted to say how much I thank you, all of you, who reads my nonsensical writing.

Taking the time out in your busy day to read my blog is something I greatly appreciate, more than I can put into words.

For the past 4 years, you have helped me deal with issues just by me being able to write about them and I hope in some small way, I have helped at least someone out there by being so honest with my feelings.

I know so well what it’s like to feel alone… different from others. So, the thought of possibly having even one person feel more “normal” helps me. Needless to say, I don’t like to sugarcoat things for that reason.

If you ever feel even the tiniest inclination to reach out to me for any reason, to vent or just write to feel better, ANY REASON at all, whether or not we are strangers, please don’t hesitate to email me…. elle.mommyhood@gmail.com.

I’ll be there to listen. If it takes me time to answer, know that I’m crazy busy or scatterbrained… as usual.

So, in my usual long-winded way, THANK YOU! <3

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