When You Go Out Of Your Way To Make A Nice Meal For Your Family And They Kind Of End Up Being A**holes About It.

1350591749695_7822193*I’m still sick and I have to say, I am the biggest pussy ever when it comes to having a cold. It definitely makes you see just how good you have it when you’re healthy.

Last week, when I was in my “pre-sick” stage, I wanted to make a nice dinner for my husband and the little hummingbird. It’s also the day that I made the incredibly orgasmic mini salted caramel apple pies.

Even though we’re a family of 3, it’s such a pain in the ass to get everyone on the same page when it comes to agreeing on what to make for a meal. Okay, actually I need to take that back. My husband will eat anything. Even some of the most horrible, OMG, what the fuck went wrong meals I’ve made over the years.

It’s my 5 year-old daughter who is picky, picky, picky.

Here’s where I have to say I for the most part ate pretty much everything my mom made. She was a single mom for many years and we had several meals of those cheap pot pies. She did the best that she could to feed us so I absolutely appreciate her efforts.

Come to think of it, I was probably more of a whiny little kid when it came to the food we had but I did my best to eat what she was able to afford.

Anyway, as a parent, there is probably at least one time, if not more, where you make a nice dinner for your family and go out of your way to cover all of the different tastes for them. It’s a pain in the ass but damn it, you want everyone to sit down, have a nice dinner, and not bitch and complain.

This particular night did not go as planned. Of course it didn’t. Fuckity fuck!

It may not seem like a fabulous dinner but I made buffalo macaroni and cheese. The perfect comfort food. So delicious and kid friendly. I even made a special casserole dish of it for the hummingbird.

I was running an hour behind though and everyone was bitchy by the time I was able to serve it up.

I was also bitchy and a total asshole to my husband because while preparing this meal, I realized that while I went to the store earlier, I forgot to get half and half. Fuck!

Then I flipped the hell out and sent my poor husband to the quick mart down the road. He was trying to be helpful and offer alternatives but I was all like NO! I FUCKING NEED THIS FUCKING HALF AND HALF, FUCKING FUCK!

Not one of my proudest moments… obviously.

I finally get this dinner in order and on the table. But did my family appreciate it? Hell no!

My hubby chowed down without breathing because he was so damn hungry and my daughter whined and said she didn’t like it. She wanted me to make Kraft mac n’ cheese instead.

And I had to get up multiple times for my daughter. “Can you please get me a napkin, mom? I wanted juice instead. I dropped my fork, can you get another one? My food is cold now, can you microwave it? Now my food is too hot and I can’t eat it. I don’t like this. Can I have something else?”

OMG! Really, people? REALLY?!

So, I sat there and cried. I totally lost it and cried while thinking fuck this shit.

I sat on the couch and cursed my family under my breath while my husband and daughter happily played together after dinner.

But then, I kinda sorta pulled it together and we had those delicious apple pies for dessert.

And all was finally good again.

Because mmmm, pie!

Comments { 7 }

Tattoos And Guilty Pleasures

6d74b047ec009580b81d763d6eb0400e

I got the little hummingbird’s cold that she had last week. So, of course I’ve been so sick this week and really NyQuiled up. Yes, that’s a word. Okay, it is in my mommyhood vocabulary.

My week has pretty much been like this. Cough, cough, cough. Tell my husband “Fuck this shit! Kill me now!” Cough, cough. Nap. Do a shot of NyQuil. Cough some more. Tell my husband I think I’m dying. Cough. More NyQuil. Etc. Yes, I’m such a pussy when I’m sick.

Since I ramble all of the time, I wanted to hear from you.

Who, me? Yes, you. Couldn’t be! Then who?

That’s a little something my 5 year-old came home singing one day so it’s been in my head.

Anyway…

First off… tattoos.

I’ve been seriously thinking about getting another tattoo. Ssshh, don’t tell my husband. He’s still having a heart attack over the tiny dolphin tattoo I got 12 years ago. Yes, I’m a dolphin/ocean freak.

Poor guy. You should have seen him in my pierce everything phase in my early 20’s.

I just can’t decide what to get.

Something to do with music, a hummingbird, my daughter’s name?

Secondly, when you have a bit of free time, what are your guilty pleasures?

No judgements!

For me, it’s watching Teen Mom 2 and loving to absolutely despise Kim Kardashian and her WTF moments, which seem plentiful and endless.

Your turn. Spill it!

Happy weekend, ladies and gents!

*Updated. Oh, yeah! Another guilty pleasure is reading dlisted. I came across this gossip site 6 years ago when I was pregnant with the hummingbird, dealing with hyperemesis gravidarum, and desperately needed laughs. Michael K. and his writing is brilliant.

Comments { 5 }

Edible Coconut Body Frosting

coconut-body-frosting2 (1)Since my last pregnancy, my libido went way down. Add to that having our 5 year-old doing everything she can to sleep in our bedroom and my sex drive said see ya!

But lately, my sex drive has taken off and I was in a search to find something edible to use. I was surprised to find that while it seems like every place I looked had vibrators disguised with names like “personal touch”, there weren’t any edible lubricants to be found.

Sure, I can go to a sex shop or online but it baffled me that a place like a drugstore had a vibrator called “explore” for 50 dollars but nothing at all for some edible fun.

That’s when I thought I’d just make some myself. I use coconut oil in some skin care products I make and decided to give that a whirl. I made a quick trip to the grocery store in hopes that I would find some chocolate extract but they seemed to have every flavor except that.

As people lingered in the baking aisle, I stood there debating what flavor I wanted to lick off my husband. Raspberry? Orange? Vanilla? Hmmm, choices, choices. I decided on coconut extract.

After I made it, let’s just say the results are pretty satisfying. Each batch will probably keep for about 3 months but check it every now and then to make sure it’s not funky. Please don’t use this with condoms as I’m sure that wouldn’t be good for the latex and little hummingbirds may result.

What You’ll Need:

1/2 cup coconut oil

1 teaspoon extract of your choice

clean container with lid

Directions:

Put coconut oil and extract into a small bowl or mixer. Whip on medium until fluffy. This makes half a cup. Store in container with lid and make sure it’s handy when the mood hits.

Enjoy!

*If you may be having a dry spell in the sex department, as couples do, you could use this as a skin moisturizer. If you’re in need of a quick snack or the health benefits of coconut oil, voila!… lick it off your skin. Yes, expect very strange looks from people, then offer a lick. Total icebreaker.

Comments { 1 }

Halloween Candy

Me: Did you get into the Halloween candy?

5 year-old: No.

halloween-candy1

Can’t blame her. I’m sure I look like this when I indulge in the candy after everyone goes to bed.

Comments { 4 }

What’s For Lunch?

The hummingbird has really been favoring the homemade lunchables I’ve been making for school lunch, as well as the bagel and cream cheese with strawberry jam. The pizza wraps are pretty good too.

Enjoy!

IMG_9679-1 (1)

Homemade pizza lunchable.

L to R:

*Mozzarella cheese and pepperoni

*Grapes

*Pizza sauce

*Whole wheat pita

IMG_9893-1

L to R:

*Raw green beans

*Clementine

*Bagel with cream cheese and strawberry jam

*Cheeze-it crackers

*Mini peanut better cup

*Ranch dressing in container

IMG_9791-1

L to R:

*Pirate’s Booty

*Carrot sticks

*Blueberries

*Hello Kitty peanut butter and honey sandwich

*Colby cheese

IMG_9869-1

L to R:

*Pirate’s Booty

*Kiwi

*Pizza wrap with sauce, mozzarella cheese, and sliced pepperoni

*Cherry tomatoes

*Ranch dressing in container

IMG_9908-1

L to R:

*Sliced sausage

*Cashews and craisans

*Yogurt

*Mini pancakes

*Maple syrup in container

Comments { 4 }

Anonymous Parent: Wanting To Break Free

I started a blog a while back called Anonymous Parent but decided to incorporate it into this blog. It is absolutely confidential. Completely anonymous. If you would like to share your story, please go here, Anonymous Parent.

This story comes from “Sylvia”. Let’s give her the support she needs.

~~~~~~~~~~

I think about divorcing my husband every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. We have two amazing kiddos and they are the only thing holding me to him at this point.

My parents have been married for over 30 years and I don’t want to let them down.

But the real reason I won’t divorce him is because I’m terrified he’ll kill me if I try to leave.

He’s never hit me or been physically abusive, but he’s talked about killing other people and made references to getting rid of me if I take his kids away.

He seems to love me, but spends most of his time being extremely angry. I walk in the door from work and almost every day I am met with a tirade of angry words and yelling. It’s getting so exhausting.

I don’t know what to do with him or myself, and I just want to protect my kids from him. I am so tired. Sooo tired.

I work full time and go to school at night, once a week, and he acts like that time is my “rest time” from the kids.

If I try to take a day away to just be by myself and think, he freaks out and tells me I’m selfish.

He has no coping mechanisms other than drinking and yelling. I just want to take my kids and RUN AWAY! But I won’t.

Comments { 6 }

Trying To Explain What A Ninja Is To My 5 Year-Old Is Harder Than I Thought… Even With Reenactments.

child-asking-questions1

So, the title started out as a tweet and a status update on Facebook. But then I started thinking of all the times I need to explain what words mean to the hummingbird.

Needless to say, kids are expert question people. As they should be. But at the same time, I mostly feel like the dumbest person on the planet when I try to explain things to my daughter.

It’s exactly like assignments I would get every now and then while in school. With the teacher saying you need to write a paper explaining a specific topic as if nobody else in the room knew anything about it.

I would think “I’m so glad school won’t last forever so I don’t have to do these kind of things!”

Then I had a kid.

Why the hell isn’t this in What To Expect?!

Chapter 14: When Your Child Asks You A Question And You Don’t Know What The Fuck To Say.

Step 1: Tell them to go ask their father, neighbor, best friend, cat, wild raccoon in the backyard, etc.

Step 2: If that fails, offer them a cookie so you can divert their attention away from a question that will take days to explain, complete with charts, graphs, reenactments, more explaining, and several bottles of wine.

Get with it, baby book people!

Somehow, the word ninja came up in conversation and the hummingbird asked what that meant.

Uhhhh. Ummm. Well…

Ninja means someone is a… ummm, uhhh.

The way I tried to explain what a ninja was to my daughter caused her to have more questions and that’s when I pulled out some moves.

I started punching the air with my fists and doing high kicks.

I could only imagine how I looked.

There was another time recently when I gave my daughter some pirate’s booty for a snack. She said they seemed weird so I tasted one and told her they’re stale. I didn’t think anything of it.

She was quiet for a minute and then asked me what stale means. That led me to ramble on about what stale is and I even threw in how mostly crackers and bread can get stale but food in the freezer can go stale in a different way and get freezer burn.

That led to even more questions and it was the longest 15 minute car ride ever!

I don’t always know how to explain things to her and when I do, it leads to more questions and I’m sure I overload her with all kinds of information.

Then, there are those awkward times when you aren’t quite sure how to approach a matter with your child. It can be easy to forget their innocence.

As I kissed her goodnight and was about to leave my 5 year-old’s room, she asked me how a baby gets into a mom’s belly.

Uhhh. Ummm. Well…

I was taken by surprise and said when 2 people want a child, a baby grows in the mom’s tummy. She knew I was leaving something out and had a sly look on her face when she asked “So, a baby just crawls into a mom’s belly?”

I said yes. Mostly because it was late and wasn’t at all prepared to talk about sex. But that’s what ended up happening. A very strange and awkward conversation about how babies are made.

Something I thought, when the time came, I would explain in a clear manner but ended up sounding like Porky Pig.

She was still full of questions and that’s when I pulled the “Why don’t you wait and ask your dad those questions tomorrow.”

By the next day, it was forgotten so my husband escaped the topic but I’m sure when it comes up again, I’ll be the one she asks.

And then I will refer her to the wild raccoons that roam in our backyard at night. They would probably make more sense explaining these kinds of things to my kid anyway.

Comments { 3 }