Bullseye

target

Since I’ve been back in college, I have cut my 3-4 times a week trips to Target down to about 1-2. I was going there so much, the workers knew me by name and asked where I’ve been if I went more than two days without going. Yes, Target calls to me. If I have an hour or so to kill, it knows. Target knows what’s up.

Target: Oh, hey! You over there. Didn’t you run out of butter yesterday? Sure, the grocery store is closer but you neeeeed meeee.

Me: Um, look Target. I know you mean well but I can wait until the weekend to get more butter.

Target: Of course. No pressure, girl! I’m just sayin’. And you know what? It’s been kind of chilly. You could come on over and get some fuzzy socks or some cozy slippers.

Me: Target, I know what you’re doing. I’m not falling for it. I don’t need more nice, fuzzy socks. So fuzzy. I… NO! I’m not listening to you.

Target: You know how you bought that lip liner and it’s too dark? Well, Target has what you need. C’mon, I won’t tell your husband. Those fuzzy socks are waiting and if you get that butter, you can start baking.

Me: Well… that would be much more convenient to get everything in one place. But, no. I can’t!

Target. I know how you love to spend time looking through the 30% off rack in the girls section. You’ve found some awesome things for the hummingbird.

Me: I MUST FIGHT THIS! WHERE ARE YOU, WILLPOWER?

Target: Like I said, no pressure. But… the Cadbury mini eggs are now out on the shelves and you can…

Me: Fuck it! I’m going to Target!

2 hours later…

Me: What the hell just happened?

*Wish You Were Here

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Book Suggestions For Adults And Kids

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In A Dark, Dark, Wood – Nora is invited to a hen party for a college friend she hasn’t spoken to in years. Two days later, she wakes up in a hospital and knows somebody has been killed. Did she do it? This was a fast and fun read. While there were some suspenseful jumps, it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. Nevertheless, I really liked it.

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The Ice Twins – Sarah loses one of her twin daughters the previous year, before she and her husband, Angus, move to a small Scottish island her husband inherited. That’s when her daughter Kirstie claims she’s actually Lydia, the daughter who died.

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What Alice Forgot – Alice falls off her bike in spinning class at the gym and when she comes to, she thinks it’s 10 years earlier. She goes on to find what she lost in the last decade.

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Nest – This is a beautiful book about Naomi “Chirp” who’s life changes when her mom gets sick. She finds comfort in watching wild birds. Ages 9-12 years.

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Tree – A cute peekaboo book about the inhabitants in a forest. Ages 2-5 years

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Henry And Mudge – I came across these books at the library and it didn’t take long for my 6 year-old to fall in love with this series. The hummingbird has read all the Henry and Mudge books at the library a few times over. Highly recommended for young readers. Ages 5-7 years.

What books would you recommend?

*Goodbye Earl

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Stream

There are times I just want to get on here and write a stream of consciousness. Now, I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking “what the hell, that’s what you already do”. That’s true, but I try to make some fucking sense some of the time… probably without much luck.

Anyway, I thought I would start doing my own little stream when the mood hits so here goes. Also, feel free to write your own stream of consciousness in the comments.

Going back to college has been a much more difficult transition than I was expecting. I have 2 papers due this week and all the usual shit to do around the house so I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions… more than usual. It’s been overwhelming and my brain has been so scattered. I feel as old as fuck amongst the little ones, like I should get out a walker and pinch their cheeks, then hand them a quarter for being a good little girl or boy.

I’ve been feeling nostalgic recently and have been listening to a lot of Incubus.

Why the hell didn’t I appreciate my 20’s more? Those were some great years but I see now that I really took advantage of what was right in front of me at the time. Not that I still don’t do that.

The little hummingbird isn’t quite as little anymore. Now that we have her ketotic hypoglycemia under control now that we finally know what she actually has after trying to figure it out for the past 6 years, she is growing so much! I can’t even begin to explain how happy that makes me.

All of these years, she’s had such slow growth because of the hypoglycemia and until recently undiagnosed hyperthyrodism. Before last July, she had gained about half a pound that year. Now that she’s on medication to help both issues, she’s gained 5 pound and at least 3 inches.

It may not seem like a big deal but when you have a child that has an ailment, seeing this improvement has been amazing. Not only her physical growth but her mental and emotional growth has been blowing me away. She’s reading chapter books now and it is the coolest thing to have your child read to you in their tiny, little voice.

*Incubus, of course.

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My Therapist Is On Vacation Post: Flower Girl

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In all my years of therapy, I only mentioned my former step-mother to my psychologist a few times which is kind of shocker because she was such a bitch. It was bad enough that my biological dad is schizophrenic, was an alcoholic, and would snort whatever he could find. My ex stepmother was bipolar and an alcoholic or as I experienced, a mean and vindictive drunk.

Every time my bio dad “Tom” would piss her off, “Kathy” didn’t just keep it between them. Oh, no, that’s too simple. The bitch would take it out on me and put me in the middle of whatever bullshit fight they were going through at the time.

I was only 9 years-old when it first started since that’s when I met my biological father for the very first time seeing how he was MIA all those years prior.

Blah, blah, blah, to the point.

Tom and Kathy were still engaged when I met my dad for the first time. 6 months later they married, and I spent three weeks seeing some very interesting chaos and dysfunction in the Kathy/Tom household. They would have the most fucked up, twisted fights in front of us kids… I had two step-brothers.

There was that one time when Kathy had a bitch fit when my dad came home from work and wanted to take me out to dinner. Just me and him. For the first time since he came into my life 6 months prior. The bitch had a fucking meltdown over the mere suggestion of Tom and I getting to know each other as father and daughter.

It became a Defcon 5 and my uncle had to pick up the three of us and get us out of that insanity. All because my dad wanted to take me out to dinner.

By the time we had gotten back, things had simmered down and my step-brothers and I huddled together on the couch while the two lovebirds went at it again well into the early morning.

The three of us fell asleep on the couch and had a rude awakening the next morning. The bitch was going ballistic and my brothers and I were hiding underneath the blankets on the couch. When the soon to be newlyweds ended up in the kitchen with their fighting, dear Kathy set a fine example by picking up a knife from the counter and threatened to kill Tom. I remember peeking out from the blankets while she was waving the knife around his face.

If that’s not true love. I don’t know what is.

So, despite the relationship from hell, they actually went through with the wedding.

Dear sweet baby jeebus.

The bitch made me flower girl and by this point, I was shell-shocked from my weeks of hell with Tom and Kathy but because it was the wedding day, people mistook it for me being overcome with emotion. Yeah, it was terror and the culprits were the two people who were supposed to be somewhat sane and stable adults.

The wedding was a shit fest for me and so fake. Especially after the absolute madness I witnessed over and over again within their relationship.

Okay, it’s time to toss the bitchy bride’s bouquet. I didn’t want any part of it. Mostly, I just wanted to get away from her crazy ass. I also found that most of her friends seemed to have hit every crazy, superficial, branch on the bat shit tree. Lucky me had to stand amongst these bitches who were ready to take down anyone who got in the way of the bridal bouquet.

I put my 9 year-old ass in the back so I wouldn’t be trampled on and then the flowers were thrown. I was running away from that mess like a quarterback doing whatever the hell a quarterback does.

That’s when it happened. I accidentally caught the fucking flowers. I couldn’t care less and just wanted some cake and an escape from Kathy. Not even a minute after I caught the bouquet, the superficial bitches started to whine about how it wasn’t fair that I caught the bouquet.

Yes, really. Something about how now that the bride is officially my step-monster, it wasn’t fair that I caught the flowers and I can’t even remember their lame argument over something so petty. Things like it’s not like she’s really throwing her bridal bouquet because it’s just going back home with her since I caught it.

????????

I have no clue but they were a bunch of whiney bitches who made a HUGE fuss over this. So much so that it took away from the wedding and other guests were trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

These were supposed to be grown ass women. I just wanted to give the flowers to anyone who would take them and get myself out of that ridiculous mess. But an even bigger deal had to be made and so cunty Kathy took the flowers back from me and decided to throw them a second time so it would be “fair”.

I refused to go back in with that group of assholes but my step-mother insisted I once again join the group while she threw the bouquet… again.

Guess who caught it?

Me.

Again.

What the ever-loving fuck?

And can you guess what happened?

Yes, those bitches freaked out again and were royally pissed that I caught the bouquet for the second time.

I have to admit that I somewhat enjoyed catching it again and since I picked up such colorful language while staying with Kathy and Tom, it would have pleased me to yell out SUCK ON THAT, BITCHES!

But I didn’t and I offered to give away that damn bridal bouquet… again.

There was actually talk of Kathy throwing the flowers a third goddamn time but instead those bitches complained how a kid caught the flowers twice and WAAAAAA! It’s not fair. It made for an extra fun wedding reception.

After that came our family honeymoon type thing. They took me and my step-brothers to Disneyland and it wasn’t the happiest place on earth. Why? It’s because Tom and Kathy fought their way from the entrance to “the magical kingdom” all the way to the tea cups and space mountain and the water slide thing and you get my drift.

They were saying fuck this and fuck that and fuck you… ALL in front of families and Disneyland workers and even the mouse himself.

It’s safe to say that it will never be my dream to go to Disney world if I ever win the super bowl. I’m scarred for life from going there again.

As I got older, Kathy did super fun stuff like spend some money on clothes or gifts for me but when Tom would piss her off and they would be fighting back and forth, she would demand those things back. I had quickly learned not to accept anything from her “generosity” but just like when I was a flower girl, it wasn’t so easy to tell this woman no.

And this is the type of stuff my poor therapist has to listen to. No wonder she goes on vacation as often as she does.

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Cool Etsy Stuff

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Since I’m already doing 156 things at once, I started doing 157 things by getting more into Etsy. Like that really needed to happen. I pour over fluffy tutus and leg warmers for the hummingbird while I look for anything under the sun. Here are some things I’ve ordered from my recent Etsy obsession.

Mudan Blossoms – They have adorable leg warmers for girls.

Mimi and Lucy – Since I’ve been reading less of my Kindle and more library books, I used it as an excuse to buy these vintage print bookmarks.

Ian’s Cafe – I found THE coolest bookmark of the wicked witch from this place. The witch’s feet stick outside of the book. It’s very cool.

Grey And Green – I started off buying her lotion bar and loved it so much that I went back and ordered the vanilla bean brown sugar scrub and vanilla lip balm which smells amazing. It’s so good that my 6 year-old claimed it for herself.

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Peenterest: The Poke

It’s once again time for Peenterest; where I take funny little things I find on Pinterest and post them here. The more inappropriate, the better.

Just a quick catch up. I finally got my ass back in college. Last year, I went back to school, but it was for a specific program I thought I wanted to do. I ended up hating the fuck out of it. I decided that I just need to finally take the leap and go back to college instead.

I forgot how difficult and time consuming it is and have been so tired, I actually went to bed at 8:30 last night. Since school started, I’ve been going back and forth between I FUCKING LOVE THIS! to WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

And holy hell, I sure feel old amongst the 18 and 19 year-olds. Despite the stress and anxiety of going back to school, like Dory, I keep telling myself “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.”

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*Rock Your Body

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Book Suggestions For Adults And Kids

I’ve been feeling restless with what I’ve been reading lately. It could just be my mood, but whatever it is, nothing is really hitting the spot.

Before I got into this book dry spell, the hummingbird and I read these books. I came across the book Dear Hot Dog and we absolutely fell in love with it. That sparked an interest in poetry for both of us and I’ve been searching out more books.

Honestly, I don’t understand a damn thing about poetry but I think I may be starting to get the gist. I read a few poems by Robert Frost and came close to having a wordgasm. But to be fair, I’m a lover of words and gasms so I have them often.

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The Invention Of Wings – I LOVED the movie The Secret Life Of Bees and was going to read the book, but decided on The Invention Of Wings. In 1803, on Sarah’s eleventh birthday, she’s given ownership of 10 year-old slave, Handful “Hetty”, which Sarah is against.

This book follows the ups and downs of their lives for many years. It is so good.

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Robert Frost: Selected Poems – It’s a book. About poems. I couldn’t find the exact book I have.

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Suburban Haiku: Poetic Dispatches from Behind the Picket Fence – I really love this book and if you don’t have it yet, pick up a copy.

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The Secret Life Of Violet Grant – I really needed this fun read. In 1964, Vivian receives a parcel from an aunt she didn’t know about. She starts digging further into this mysterious aunt’s life and sees they have more in common than she expected.

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Dear Hot Dog – This is such an adorable book that is worth buying because of the many reads you’ll get out of it. It has poems about pants, toes, socks, etc. So cute. Ages 3-6.

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I Haiku You – Wonderful book that has helped us with writing exercises. My 6 year-old needs my help, of course, coming up with haikus and we’ve been having fun. Ages 4-8.

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Book Speak!: Poems About Books – This is a great book with poems about different parts of books. Very fun reading for the family. Ages 4-7.

Do you have some book suggestions?

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