Hey Siri, Play Guns N’ Roses, November Rain. Siri: Forecast For Tomorrow, 63 Degrees And Mild.

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Technology is supposed to make things easier but obviously, there are times when you wish you kept a sledgehammer handy.

My husband finally got a smartphone. Since he’s in the military, at his last job, he had to have a phone without a camera for security reasons. He would give me shit for the obsession I have with my iPhone but now he’s currently having quite the love affair with Siri. And it’s driving me crazy.

Mostly because Siri acts like a drunk crackhead.

Sure, it’s pretty entertaining but Siri, get your shit together! The husband asks Siri things over and over and over again and in that time, he could have easily Googled the same thing hundreds of times.

Husband: Hey Siri, play November Rain.

Siri: Forecast for tomorrow is mild at 63.

Husband: Hey Siri, play November Rain.

Siri: I found rain on Wikipedia. Let me get that for you now.

Husband: Hey Siri, look up cats farting.

Hummingbird: *giggles*

Siri: Hi Husband, what can I help you with?

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I don’t usually deal with Siri on my phone but my husband convinced me to give it a shot. To save my sanity, I’ll pass on Siri for now.

Me: Hey Siri, email husband.

Siri: Facetime with Carrie beginning now.

Me: Hey Siri, email Husband.

Siri: Which song would you like?

Me: Hey Siri, email HUSBAND!

Siri: Facetime with Carrie beginning now.

Me: Hey Siri, you dumbfuck… EMAIL HUSBAND!

Siri: Playing video, Californication.

Me: SIRI! CALL HUSBAND!

Siri: Would you like home, cell, or other?

Me: Cell.

Siri: Facetime with Eric beginning now.

Stab! Stab! Stab!

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Guest Post: Breaking Dawn

This guest post comes from Scott Williams. He’s a writer who was first published in his 4th grade school newspaper. He was later published in a book of poetry that was most likely a scam, but he was published none the less. Choosing to see this as a symbol of honor, he never gave up writing.

When he found out he was going to be a dad for the first time, Scott decided to start this new adventure in a way he had never attempted. He started his own blog. And thus Raising Hubigail was born.

~~~~~~~~~~

This happened. Click for previous part.

I honestly don’t know why I called this Breaking Dawn. Maybe my subconscious was trying to find a correlation between my frustration, angst, and pointless drama, and an equally pointless source of drama, angst, and frustration. That’s right. I just slammed the Twilight saga.

Oh, I was going to tell you the most frustrating thing my wife does. It isn’t just one thing. It is the combination of several things at any given time.

After all the human father guy has been through just in the beginning, there is a myriad of obstacles he has yet to even realize. And, they only get worse as time goes on. Lets explore a few of them, shall we? Keep in mind that many if not all of these examples are the direct result of the changes a woman goes through during the “miracle” of child birth.

We, as men, acknowledge this fact and do not blame the woman. That only makes it ten times more frustrating.

Pregnancy Brain Fog!

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I feel I should explain what I believe is the source of all of this. Here we were enjoying life. My wife and I are very much the same. We don’t enjoy shopping. Each trip is usually “an in and out as quick as we can” sort of adventure (unless it is a Walmart date). We think the same and feel the same about almost everything. Drama is the worst thing ever invented. Stupid people annoy us. Inconsiderate people annoy us even more. Unfortunately, there are so much of all of this taking over the world. Because of this, we like to stay home and enjoy each others company rather than venture out and come back irritated and frustrated.

Since my wife got pregnant, life has changed dramatically (the worst way for anything to change ever invented). Whether it be the grocery store, school, the doctor’s office, or all the other things that seem to pop up, we always need to be going somewhere. Thus, our exposure to the previously mentioned unsavory people is greatly increased.

Additionally, my wife’s pregnancy brain fog has taken a hold of her. But it comes and goes. It is very similar to watching a person in the early stages of dementia. Trust me, I have some experience with that. They have their own sort of logic and you never quite know where their mind is. Sometimes they seem completely functional and able to do everything. But, since you have been paying attention all this time, you know that this could be a trick as dementia patience are prone to hide their condition.

You have to be ready at any time to correct or complete a story. You also need to be able to add details to what they are saying as they tend to forget that the first part of the conversation was in their head or that the other person is unaware of facts they have no reason to be aware of. This is very draining.

Occasionally, they have a moment of clarity and realize exactly what is going on. This is both good and bad. It is good because I have these occasional wonderful moments with the woman I married. Bad because it makes all the other times that much worse. Unlike dementia, this pregnancy brain fog is contagious. So, now we have two mindless people on alternating schedules of clarity.

Sort of the blind leading the blind scenario. On the rare occasion that we are both clear at the same time, 99.9% of that time it is ruined by having to go somewhere and deal with people we don’t care to (see above section about stupid and inconsiderate people) rather than enjoy our time together. This is the reason that I am always running 4 levels above the normal “frustration zone”. I just want my wife back.

Walking or the inability to do so.

pregnant-on-beachYou may be thinking this is just a still shot. You would be wrong. This is a full speed video of a pregnant woman walking. I don’t know how many times my wife and I have been walking somewhere and all of a sudden she was gone. I looked back and there she was standing in the middle of the road or in any other worst possible place to stop, rubbing her belly.

Never did she utter a single word or signal to me that she was no longer by my side. Really, it was a surprise every time. She now just grabs my arm and pulls me to a stop with her. Still in the middle of the street or at the edge of a cliff that is quickly eroding. She pauses to let a contraction pass or catch her breath while I stare into the eyes of our impending death.

What’s worse is that any time we go anywhere it takes forever to do anything. Everything is sssslllloooowwww mmmmoooottttiiiioooonnnn. Walking through Walmart is equally as frustrating as getting stuck behind a car going 25 mph on a road where it is absolutely impossible to pass. You are not in a hurry. You are not going to be late for anything. No big deal. You can wait.

But, what if you drove this road every day? What if every day you get stuck behind this car? What if every day there is a line of cars building up behind you and you know they think you are the one who is driving slow even though you have veered off to the right side several times to let them see that there is a car in front of you?

And, what if said line of cars has had enough and they drive as close to you as they can without actually touching your bumper while honking and alternating between flipping the bird and loading their firearm? Multiply that feeling by ten. Oh the humanity.

*Read the full post here.

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What The Hummingbird Has Learned In Kindergarten So Far

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I ask my daughter how her day was at school after she gets settled back home. Most of the time, I get nada from her. But later on, I may find what she’s been doing in school through hearing and watching her play. Her teacher has a blog so I can go on there and see the books she’s been reading to the class, etc.

Of course, my daughter may wait to tell me ALL about her day 2 minutes before we need to leave the house for her gymnastics class, when it’s GO time and we’re in a rush.

I really love to know what she’s doing in school so I can expand on that at home. But this is how it usually goes…

Me: Did you have fun?

Hummingbird: Yeah.

Me: What did you do?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Me: Did you play?

Hummingbird: Yes.

Me: Who’d you play with?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Me: Did your teacher read?

Hummingbird: Yeah.

Me: What did she read?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Me: Did you have art class today?

Hummingbird: Yeah.

Me: What did you do in art class?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Agghhh!

A few days ago, I finally found what she’s been learning in school. In a way that only a kid can sum things up.

Hummingbird: *burp*

Hummingbird: Mom, you know what?

Me: What?

Hummingbird: I burpted!

Me: I know. I think they heard you down the street!

Hummingbird: Mom? *in her sweet voice*

Mom: Yes? *thinks* Maybe she’s going to tell me she loves me. Awww, I have the best kid in the world.

Hummingbird: I want to take my burp and put it in a package in the mail.

I want to mail it to my class and when they open it up, it’s me burping… and farting!

I want to put me burping AND farting in the mail and send it to my school so my class and teacher can hear it! *laughs*

Me: *thinks* Okay, I wasn’t expecting this but… my kid is a genius!

Hummingbird: Mom? MOM? What do you think?

Me: Ewwww! So gross and so awesome!

Hummingbird: That’s what I think!

I have the best kid in the world.

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What’s For Lunch?

It’s the third week since the hummingbird started Kindergarten, and I still haven’t gotten the hang of the full-time school thing. It’s more of ” Where in the hell did my time with her go?!”

The little hummingbird’s school is excellent and very welcoming so I’ve been going there to see her at lunch or recess a few times a week. And yes, I peek a lot at what other kids are eating.

I’m kind of in awe of the kids I see who devour everything in sight since my daughter is not that way whatsoever. But, I’m still gradually introducing more foods into her diet and while it may take bribing with promises of chocolate, a My Little Pony doll, and even a little allowance, she has let me incorporate a few new things, like salsa.

One may ask “How can you not like the deliciousness that is salsa?”. Well, my 5 year-old was one of them. GASP! It took many years, but she’s now a salsa convert.

Given that my kid is so tiny and in the 3rd percentile, if that, I’ll stick with my bribing ways. Something I promised I would never do before I was a parent.

Oh well, I’ll just put that in the big ass pile of other things I said I’d never do as a mom.

IMG_9715-1L to R: *Strawberries

* Carrots

*Cheez-It Crackers

*Tortilla wrap with peanut butter and strawberry jam

*Ranch dressing in container

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L to R: *Goldfish

*Grapes

*Bagel with cream cheese and jam

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It was my first time sending a cold cheese quesadilla in her lunch so I packed her extra food in case she didn’t like it. She did!

L to R: * Tortilla chips

* Hello Kitty peanut butter and honey sandwich

*Granola bar under sandwich

*Applesauce pouch

*A winning cheese quesadilla

* Salsa in container

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Homemade lunchable.

*Kiwi

*Sweet pickles

*Goldfish

*Sharp cheddar

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L to R: * Granola bar

*A clementine and blueberries

*Maple syrup in container

*Mini pancakes

*Sliced hot dog

I’ve had people ask me about the different things I use to add a little extra pizzaz to her lunch. So, here goes…

*EasyLunchboxes.

*Silicone round baking cups.

*EasyLunchboxes containers for condiments.

*Silicone square baking cups.

*CuteZCute animal picks and forks.

*Hello Kitty cookie cutter. This one came from Hong Kong so it took a few weeks to receive.

I try to add a little note in the hummingbird’s lunch box but I’ve also found some cute printable notes as well. I read her the notes the morning of. It took me much longer than I’d care to admit when it came to finding printables that I really liked. Damn, Pinterest! “Oh yeah, I’ll just check in on Pinterest for a few minutes”. Ha!

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Thank You

I’ve been having a really tough week with depression and even though you may not know it, I wanted to say how much I thank you, all of you, who reads my nonsensical writing.

Taking the time out in your busy day to read my blog is something I greatly appreciate, more than I can put into words.

For the past 4 years, you have helped me deal with issues just by me being able to write about them and I hope in some small way, I have helped at least someone out there by being so honest with my feelings.

I know so well what it’s like to feel alone… different from others. So, the thought of possibly having even one person feel more “normal” helps me. Needless to say, I don’t like to sugarcoat things for that reason.

If you ever feel even the tiniest inclination to reach out to me for any reason, to vent or just write to feel better, ANY REASON at all, whether or not we are strangers, please don’t hesitate to email me…. elle.mommyhood@gmail.com.

I’ll be there to listen. If it takes me time to answer, know that I’m crazy busy or scatterbrained… as usual.

So, in my usual long-winded way, THANK YOU! <3

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Guest Post: How A Mom Enjoys Her Coffee In 97 Steps

I gave Rachael from Three Boys And A Mom some blog love last week and linked a particular post as well. I love it so much and asked her if I can feature it as a guest post, especially for those who may have missed it. If I could, I would make this post my sister-wife. It’s hysterical and so relatable.

Rachael is a 29 year-old mom of 3 boys; identical twin 2 year-old’s and a 10 month old. She has a master’s degree in social work but is currently home with her boys. She loves and writes about all things motherhood, as well as the struggles and pains of divorce. Rachael hopes to write a book or two in the near future but until then you can follow her on her blog.

You can also find her here:

Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/rachaelplus3
Twitter: Check out Three Boys and a Mom (@rachaelplus3): https://twitter.com/rachaelplus3
Google+: https://plus.google.com/101219958454784459593
DivorcedMoms.com profile: http://divorcedmoms.com/authors/1366

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I’ve never been a, “I have to have my coffee or I can’t function” type person. Thank God. I do enjoy coffee though, and have learned it certainly helps as a sleep deprived mom of 3. It’s a rare day I get to actually drink the coffee though, and I usually have about 4 half empty, or half full if you want to be an optimist, cups of coffee spread throughout the house.

Here’s how drinking coffee typically goes in this house. (Mind you, MANY steps of the day are missing. This is just a generalized run down of the coffee drinking process.)

1. Wake up to a crying baby confused and disoriented because, didn’t you just lay that little booger down 5 minutes ago!?

2. Wipe the sleep from your eyes, grab him and try nursing him back to sleep.

3. After 35 minutes of half sleep with a person attached to you, wake up abruptly to a chomp on your nipple. Ouch!

4. Try wrestling him back to sleep. This goes on for at least 30 minutes.

5. Give up.

6. Try to shake off your exhaustion and compose yourself before going down the stairs lest you fall and kill yourself and your precious peanut.

7. Put him somewhere safe like an exersaucer and find the coffee.

8. Pour it.

9. Heat it up because it’s left over from yesterday’s pot of coffee.

10. Take a sip standing in the kitchen and try to muster up some energy for the day, thankful at least for now only 1 of the 3 are awake.

11. Take another sip…

12. What’s that noise!?

13. Oh it’s the twins jumping up and down in their bed yelling, “Mooooooommmmm!”

14. Go get the twins.

15. Do the assembly of diapers, milks, breakfast, and morning cartoon choices…try to choose something that stimulates their brain and is educational, while also not driving you insane.

16. Where’s the coffee?

17. Once everyone is settled for a few minutes, sip your coffee.

18. It’s cold.

19. Heat it up again.

20. Take another sip.

21. Someone pooped. Change the diaper.

22. Take another sip…it’s lukewarm but you’ll take it.

23. Now you have to pee… go to the bathroom, with the door opened of course, and at least 2 people watching saying, “MOM! What are you doing!!?? I need some more milky! What are you doing in there!!?”

24. Answer the questions with as much of a smile as you can find.

25. Heat the coffee up again.

26. Tend to the children. Clean up some spills, trip over a toy, take a deep breath.

27. Breastfeed the little guy.

28. Where did your coffee go!?

29. It’s still in the microwave. Heat it up a few more seconds because it got cold again sitting there.

30. Enjoy a sip.

31. Fish this out of your 10 month old’s mouth.

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32. Smell it, scared, anticipating if it’s poop or dirt. You can’t tell.

33. Wash it down the sink and wipe off your child.

34. Now it’s play time. Go enjoy some dedicated time with your boys.

35. Forget about the coffee for a few hours. It’s probably unsafe and radioactive by now anyway.

36. Start to feel tired and remember, “Oh, I have coffee!!”

37. Heat it up and drink a sip.

38. Everyone needs something.

39. Tend to all the needs with a 21 pounder dangling from your boob.

40. Give hugs, kisses and snuggles. Or time outs, whatever the case may be that 5 minutes.

41. Nap time! Hallelujah!

42. Get the twins down and pray fervently the little one will do the same.

43. A miracle has occurred and they’re all 3 asleep.

44. Sneak away quietly, holding your breath so no one smells you’re trying to get a 5 minute break and wakes up.

45. Heat the coffee and take a breath.

46. Take a few sips.

47. What’s that noise!? Oh the baby is awake! Of course, because he doesn’t believe in sleep.

48. Go get him.

49. Forget about the coffee and try to accomplish something while you only a have 1/3 of the chaos to tend to.

50. Clean, write, eat, study, etc as much as possible in between breastfeeding and entertaining a 10 month old.

51. Sit down for a few minutes and remember you still have coffee.

52. Heat it up.

53. Take a sip.

54. What’s that noise!?

55. The twins are awake! Go get them.

56. Do the diaper assembly (or going to the potty since you’re half potty training these big boys), get milks, tend to demands, etc.

57. Playtime.

58. Go outside, go for a walk, find something fun and entertaining, as well as educational, to feel like a good mom.

59. Check pinterest for ideas if necessary.

60. Love on your boys. Enjoy the moment.

61. Break up a fight, kiss a boo boo, do a timeout.

62. Inside for dinner.

63. Make dinner for everyone after tending to ALL the needs.

64. Ask children to come sit at the table and eat.

65. Endure the time it takes to get everyone’s listening ears on and working.

66. Breathe.

67. Bribe them with something that motivates them to eat their dinner.

68. Give lots of encouragement and praise as they make it through their meal one painstakingly slow bite at a time.

69. Clean up a spill, or five.

70. Fish the baby out of the dog bowl.

71. Clean him up.

72. Change diapers again and get more milk.

73. Follow through with whatever the bribe was to get everyone to eat.

74. Play some more.

75. Bath time. (Too many details to add them all in here…that’s a whole other post entirely.)

76. Get everyone out of the bathtub, brush teeth, diaper and dress every one. (Also another post entirely.)

77. Clean up toys and encourage boys to help you. Take some breaths after your toddler throws the toys and screams “no” at your face.

78. Do a timeout.

79. Finish cleaning and praise them for listening and cleaning so well.

80. Gather every one up for their bedtime story.

81. Slow down. Breathe. Read the story and enjoy the final moments of the day, excited it’s about to end.

82. Feel guilty for being excited.

83. Say prayers.

84. Give lots of hugs, kisses and snuggles.

85. Tuck every one in, dodge the the final requests and stall tactics, close the door.

86. 2 of 3 down.

87. Nurse the other one, praying he will drift to sleep soon.

88. Eventually he does. Sweet victory!

89. Lay him down ever so gently…

90. He pops back up. Nurse him again and start over.

91. He’s finally down.

92. Take a breath.

93. You made it!

94. Everyone survived another day.

95. Remember you never finished your coffee. (Yesterday’s or today’s.)

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96. Realize it’s midnight and who drinks coffee at midnight!?

97. Try again tomorrow!

So, there you have it. 97 simple steps to drinking coffee as a mom!

Do you ever get to actually enjoy your coffee hot? Do you give up and make it an ice coffee? Do you give up altogether?

Let’s get a cup of coffee and talk about it! :)

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Chocolate Drizzled Meringues

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These meringues are such an amazing treat. I went on a hard-core baking spree last month when I had a massive case of PMS and felt like I wanted to punch everyone in the face. They were exactly what I needed.

If you or a loved one is under a PMS alert, you can divert the situation by making a batch of these chocolate drizzled meringues.

Once made, slowly approach your loved one, hand them over, and take cover until they eat a few or all of these. The calming effect of these delicious meringues should last between 1-2 hours. Take as needed.

Ingredients:

Egg whites from 3 large eggs

3/4 cup granulated sugar

2 tablespoons powder sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 teaspoon distilled white vinegar

8 ounces bittersweet chocolate or nutella (melted and cooled)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 275 degrees F. Line baking sheet with parchment paper.

Place egg whites in a large bowl or stand mixer and whip until soft peaks form. Gradually add both sugars, then vanilla and vinegar. Increase speed and whip mixture until meringue has glossy, stiff peaks.

Drizzle cooled chocolate on top of meringue with a spoon. Spoon out and place on a parchment covered baking sheet. Repeat (drizzle chocolate over meringue and spoon out onto lined baking sheet) until mixture is all used.

Bake meringues for 40-50 minutes or until they easily peels away from parchment paper. Cool meringues on a wire rack. When cooled, store in an airtight container in the refrigerator.

Enjoy!

*When I first made meringues years ago, the recipe I used at the time made it so complicated (pastry bag, specific tip for the bag, chilled meringue, etc) and I was nervous I’d screw it up. This recipe is very easy.

When it comes to drizzling the chocolate on top of the meringue, take the spoon dipped in chocolate and drizzle it all over in the bowl. You may want to do it a second time if you want more chocolate on them. Use a different spoon to place the meringue on the lined baking sheet.

*All About That Bass

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