I’ll pass on the carrots.

*This is really gross.

As long as I’ve been with my husband, 19 years, he always has a big bowl of baby carrots whenever we have pizza.

Fine, no biggie, right?

CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, motherfucking CRUNCH!

It’s one of those teeny tiny relationship things that doesn’t seem like a big deal but drives me up the wall after all of these years. Crunch, crunch, crunch is what I hear for what feels like forever.

While we were having pizza the other night, the hummingbird was chewing a carrot and started gagging. The closest thing to me was the big bowl of carrots, filled to the brim.

Gross Alert… she puked in the carrot bowl.

After she finished, my first thought was YES, there go the carrots!!

Yay, I didn’t have to hear that carrot crunch for once!

Thank you, my pukey 4 year-old. Thank you.

*Somewhat Damaged

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Bad mommy moment

4 yo hummingbird: What’s wrong, mommy?

me: There’s a butthead in front of me that’s going under the speed limit.

4 yo: Which one’s the butthead?

me: The one in the red truck. He’s been going really slow for miles now on the highway. I think he’s beyond a butthead. He’s an asshole.

4 yo: An asshole?

me: Uh huh.

4 yo: A fucking asshole?

me: Actually, yes. Yes, he is.

Bad, bad mommy!

What’s your “bad” parenting moment this week?

*Spare-Ohs

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Total Recall: All I wanted was a pedicure.

Published May 31, 2013

Damn, my toenails are looking kind of funky. I need to go to the nail salon. I’ll definitely go this weekend.

Okay, I’ll go no later than next Wednesday.

Well crap, I just can’t seem to take my lazy ass to the nail salon. But I will go no later than the end of next week.

Finally… on the way there…

I will only get a pedicure. I will only get a pedicure. No waxing. I won’t let them talk me into getting anything else done. Just a pedicure.

Walks in:

Greeted: Hello, welcome! What you like?

Me: I need a pedicure.

Them: You want fingers done too?

Me: No, thanks. Just the pedicure.

Them: Okay, pick color and go down to seat number 4.

Sits down.

Nail tech: Hello! How are you?

Me: Good, thanks.

Her: You getting fingernails done too?

Me: Umm… no… just a pedicure.

Her: It’s only 10 dollar extra.

Me: No, thank you.

Her: It’s really good for the nail. It won’t take that long. Your nails will look pretty.

Me: Uhh.. umm, well, okay. I’ll get a manicure too.

Her: Oh good! You be looking so sexy!

Me: Uh huh.

Her: Do you need me to wax your eyebrows.

Me: No. I’ll get that done next week.

Her: You sure? Only 5 dollar more?

Me: No, thank you. I’ll just wait.

Her: You look very pretty with eyebrow wax. It won’t take long.

Me: No, really, that’s okay.

Me again: Okay, come to think of it, I should just get them waxed now.

Her. All right. You be so sexy!

Taken back to get waxed.

Her: You want me to do your upper lip too? Just 3 dollar more?

Thinks to self. WHAT THE FUCK? DO I HAVE A MUSTACHE? I’M TRYING TO HAVE A NICE, RELAXING TIME AND THEN THIS LADY IMPLIES THAT I NEED AN UPPER LIP WAXING! WHAT THE FUCK LADY?!

Me: Okay. That would be fine.

Her: Good, good. You look so much better with waxing.

Goes to get fingernails done.

Her: Do you want a design on your nail?

Me: Oh, umm, no thanks.

Her: How about pargabinm?

Me: I’m sorry what?

Her: Paragbinm? 5 dollar more.

Me: *confused look on face* Thinks to self. I’M SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT! WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE ASKING ME? THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING! I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT SHE’S SAYING! MAYBE I SHOULD JUST SAY YES OR NO.

Me: Yes.

Her: Okay, good. Your hands so dry. I get the paragbinm.

Me: ???

Me: Looks at her bringing back a bag. Duh, she was saying paraffin.

Thinks to self… Holy fucking fuck! This shit is hot!

Her: Is it okay?

Me: Shakes head and through gritted teeth because if I didn’t grit them, I would be screaming THIS SHIT IS FUCKING HOT, I say uhhummm. Good.

To self. MOTHERFUCKER!

Her: Okay, go wash hands.

A minute later…

Walks to the front desk.

Her: Let’s see. That will be 548,932 dollars.

Me: To self: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! IT WAS ONLY 5 DOLLARS HERE AND 3 DOLLARS THERE!!

Me: Here you go… *hands over card*

Her: Bye. You look so pretty!

Me: Thanks! Bye!

Walks to car. Thinks to self, I can’t believe I just spent that much money and all I was going to get was a pedicure. Next time, I’m just sticking with a pedicure. How hard can it be to say no to the extras?

2 weeks later…

Her: You want me to wax the hairs on the side of your face. 5 dollar more and I’ll wax your sideburns.

To self. SIDEBURNS! THIS LADY IS SAYING I HAVE SIDEBURNS!! FUCKITY FUCK!

*Stubborn Love

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Best talk show entrance ever!

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Twitter-isms

I don’t have much writing in me yet but I’ve been back on Twitter. I’m sure some of you might not give a shit about Twitter and I didn’t either when I started 3 years ago, but I’ve met some incredible people on there.

I’ve found that writing little things on my blog for now, instead of giving it up entirely, has been a good distraction so please bear with me. xx

Here are just a few tweets since I’m about to crash and burn from being so tired.

Happy Weekend!

My handle is @thisismommyhood

January 19: Fuck you, rubber band loom. Fuck you.

During the Oscars… March 2: Hubby: Sally Field? I thought Sally Field was an astronaut. Help! Help!

March 21: I got a haircut a month ago. My husband just noticed tonight. Yep, that’s about right.

March 21: Hummingbirds need pampering too.

averypedicure

 

*Mediate

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What Spring?

The 4 1/2 yo little hummingbird was PISSED when she woke up this morning on the first day of Spring. She was expecting the sun to be shining, flowers in bloom, and birds chirping.

All she got were clouds, snow on the ground, and rain. Her little tirade had me in giggles. Mostly because she included “Well, shit!”.

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Total Recall: I could never be a pediatric dentist because I’d probably end up fingerless and have to hold my dental instruments with my feet but nobody would want to go to a fingerless dentist so really I’m saving money and years of having to go to dental school.

Thank you all for your emails and comments. I will try to get back to all of you soon.

I’m so raw and feel like someone’s torturing me with non-stop episodes of LazyTown aka I’m in the depths of hell. I decided I’d hate to leave my blog with nothing so I’ll be doing some “Total Recall” posts that I used to do. Posts that I’ve already published. Even though I keep telling myself to give up writing all together, I’ll be back soon.

~~~~~~~~~~

Published June 27, 2011

We took the little hummingbird to the dentist a few weeks ago. I’ve heard some people say your kid needs a check-up at 1, some have said 3, some say not until they start school. Oy, it’s so confusing. She was born with a tooth, yeah it was a little creepy, and we’ve noticed that since she was getting her other teeth in, the one she was born with started receding into her gums and was looking kind of funky.

The day she was born, she had her tooth checked out by a pediatric dentist from the hospital. A few of the nurses were saying the tooth will probably need to be pulled and since I was like wha? nuh uh!, they had the dentist come and check it out and he said it was a real tooth that didn’t need to be pulled and to just leave it alone. Whew!

She had her 2nd BIRTHDAY!! back in April and my hubby and I were thinking she should go see a pediatric dentist soon which meant that we put it off since we’re totally responsible like that. Then the tooth that she was born with went MIA.

The hummingbird doesn’t really let us get near her mouth and since keeping my fingers is really important to me, I have to get creative and tickle her while holding her upside down or make animal sounds so she’ll mimic me and that’s when I was able to have .002 seconds to look in her mouth and see that nope, that tooth wasn’t there.

Since I am now a not at all total professional when it comes to taking my daughter to the dentist, here are my not at all professional thoughts and insights (?) when it comes to dealing with kids and dentistry.

If you follow these 30 really long steps, you too can be a not at all professional when it comes to taking your toddler to the dentist.

1. Have your husband make the dentist appointment. Soon your darling little girl (or boy) will be an angsty tween/teen who blames you for all of their problems. It will come in handy to be able to say You may be mad at me for embarrassing you in front of your friends by dropping you off at school in my pajamas BUT your father is the one that made your first dentist appointment.

2. The night after your husband has made the appointment, while you try to get your 2-year-old to brush their teeth, you’ll be thinking I am so glad I’m not a pediatric dentist because they are screwed.

3. You will also start thinking Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

4. Then you’ll be thinking how she freaked out when it came to taking her to see the Easter Bunny and get all panicky with thoughts of going to the dentist and finding out they have a thing for bunnies.

5. When you and your husband are in bed later that night, you’ll make the mistake of telling him about the dentist having a bunny themed office as well as saying Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

6. He’ll then ask if you have any anti-anxiety meds left and if you do you should take one. Then he’ll say our little girl is only going to the dentist and it’s unlikely they’ll have a bunny theme, particularly creepy Easter Bunnies.

7. You normally check on your sleeping daughter a few hundred times a night but you add another hundred because not only is your child at their cutest when they’re finally sleeping after a 2 hour bedtime battle, you think Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

8. After going back to your bedroom, you find that your husband has also become so worried about it and that’s why he’s asleep.

9. You start thinking how worried you were when you took your little one to your hairdresser for their first haircut and even though you prepared for the worst, your child didn’t freak out at all and did really well because she liked your hairdresser.

10. You then start thinking that even though your hairdresser moved hours away down to San Diego, maybe she does dentistry on the side but she just didn’t get a chance to tell you about it because the two of you were too consumed with talking about crazy in-laws and celebrity gossip.

11. You kick your husband in the leg for snoring because he ripped the mask from his CPAP machine off his face. Finally you go to sleep and dream about you and Mark Ruffalo in Hawaii.

12. Hold on a minute….still dreaming.

13. You wake up the day of THE appointment and you have those first few blissful minutes where you don’t worry about anything. Then it hits you and you think f#@!.

14. You get your daughter out of bed and find that she Houdini’d her way out of her footie pajamas and her diaper. She’s sitting in her crib buck naked with the biggest smile on her face.

15. Since you feel so guilty and are pretty sure your little girl will freak out at the dentist, you let her watch as much Caillou as possible, hoping she won’t notice that you’re stressing.

16. While your child is in their Caillou or other completely annoying kids show trance, you decide this is the perfect time to get a quick shower.

17. When walking out of the bathroom, you see that your child is buck naked on your bed watching Caillou and starts laughing when she sees you laughing. You try not to laugh too hard since you’re just wearing a towel and don’t want to pee yourself. There’s no time to take another quick shower and you don’t want to go to the dentist smelling like pee but if you have to end up doing that, blame it on your 2-year-old and just say they had a leaky diaper.

Also check to see if your daughter peed the bed. You just washed the sheets and blankets the day before and feel relieved that she didn’t relieve herself on the bed because the last thing you want to do is wash everything again.

18. Have your husband go with you to the pediatric dentist because Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

19. On the way there you start freaking out and your hubby suggests once you get to the dentist, maybe it would be better if you stay in the waiting room or better yet, the car.

20. Give him the look of death and remind him since you’re sure he’s forgotten that Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me and I have to be with her.

21. Start trying to get out of taking your little one to the dentist. You see a few Mexican restaurants and suggest going there instead. You can get your 2-year-old a crunchy taco and you rationalize to your husband that having her eat the hard taco shell would be just as good for her teeth as whatever the dentist is going to do.

22. Your hubby gives you the your crazy look and you’re pretty sure he’ll tie you up and lock you in the car so you don’t scare the other patients at the possibly bunny themed dentist office.

23. When he’s only halfway pulled into the parking space, hop out of the car so you can screw up his plans.

24. While you’re in the waiting room, give your hummingbird as many hugs and kisses as they’ll allow. Feel some relief that you don’t see anything having to do with bunnies so far.

25. After waiting for what seems like forever, you’re called back and think f*ck, here we go.

26. You were worried that the dentist wouldn’t be able to get your little hummingbird’s mouth open. Your little one ends up screaming their head off so the dentist is able to get a good look at their teeth. It absolutely kills you to see your little babe scared and screaming so while your hubby holds your little girl, you go over and sit down in a chair before you faint.

27. Finally the torture for the both of you is over and the dentist is really awesome with your little girl. You wish she did adult dentistry and tell your hubby later that you wish she could be your primary doctor. The dentist lets you know that the tooth your baby was born with is definitely gone but other than that, everything looks fine.

She asks if you floss your 2-year-old’s teeth and both you and your hubby laugh out loud and then realize she’s being serious. You give her a smile and tell her you’ll try in a few years and after you can get your toddler to brush their teeth without having them throw their toothbrush across the bathroom every time.

28. You leave the dentist and want to spoil your poor little girl who still has tears in her eyes.

29. You don’t normally let her have much sugar but decide going to get a cookies and cream milkshake is in order. You and your hubby will be drinking most of it anyway.

30. On the way home, mention to your hubby again about stopping to get some crunchy tacos so the hummingbird can clean her teeth with the hard taco shell after the milkshake. Plus you’re really craving tacos but your buttmunch hubby doesn’t stop.

Happy brushing!

*I think I’ve watched this a few hundred times in the last few days. Music helps the soul.

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