I’ve been feeling blah for the past few days so I’ve been reading a lot of magazines in bed. I’ve been seeing ads that say shit like “Have a happy period.”
What the fuck is that about?
Maybe it’s because I have fibroids and have really, REALLY heavy periods but I’m in hell for a good four days.
Have a happy period?!
Yeah, the only way I’ll have a happy period is if you prop me up on the couch with a straw in a vodka bottle and a pallet of chocolate.
When I have my period, I want to yell at everyone within hearing range to know how much they annoy me just by their existence because my crampy ass has to make a run to the store for more tampons and that chocolate cupcake I saw in the bakery section that I should have gotten when I went to the store the day before for more over the counter pain medicine.
Then, I’ll want to eat everything in sight and say fuck it, go to 5 Guys for a cheeseburger, and moan like a monkey in heat when eating their Cajun seasoned french fries.
Have a happy period, you say?!
Tell that to my piercing back cramps and lack of energy.
I love the ad for tampons where a woman is going down the water slide and they say something like, “Don’t let your period slow you down.”
When I see that commercial, it should go something like this, instead:
The camera pans to the woman in a bikini because nope, she’s not bloated from her fucking period. She has a full box of happy period tampons in a beach bag and they show her walking out of the restroom in the second shot.
The woman goes over to the wave pool and dips her toes in the water. She laughs maniacally because hey, she’s having a happy period! Woo-hoo for happy periods. And these happy period tampons have a morphine drip included in the box.
She slowly walks into the wave pool and when the water hits waist height, you hear this noise of water going down the drain and making a slurping noise.
The camera shows this guilty look on her face and she shrugs her shoulders. “Oops, did I do that?”
Her happy period tampons are so super absorbent, one tampon sucked up a whole wave pool.
Those are tampons I would buy.