He is not my president. He is a racist, repulsive, disgusting, disturbed, misogynistic asshole.

The end.

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A Hairbrush In My Coffee Cup

Me:*Sips coffee* C’mon, brush your teeth and hair! The bus will be here soon!

Hummingbird: Okay!

Me: Please, hurry up! Brush your teeth and hair!

Hummingbird: Okay!

Me: *Sips coffee and thinks to self to record this mantra that I tell my daughter so I can play it back every morning*

Me: What are you doing?? You need to brush your teeth and hair!!

Hummingbird: Okay!

Me: C’mon! Let’s go!

Hummingbird: I did it! Can I brush your hair now?

Me: *Sips coffee* Sure!

Hummingbird: *Leans over me on the chair* *Hairbrush PLOPS right into my coffee*

Me: Me on the outside… That’s okay, it was an accident. Get your shoes on because the bus is going to be here soon. Me on the inside… *OMG, I’m actually drinking warm-ish coffee and I’m almost at the delicious bottom of my awesome coffee and a hairbrush falls in my cup. What are the fucking odds? Dammit! I almost had a whole cup of warm-ish coffee. Bahfuckinghumbug! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. And this is part of the reason why I’m drawn to the icky crack liquid of Red Bull. It’s already cold and you can chug it in between yelling at your kid to hurry up and get ready for school.



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Hide My Shit

When I was about 9 or 10, I borrowed my mom’s scissors for something and when she asked for them back, I forgot where I put them. On television, they were showing an Alice In Wonderland two-part special and it was the second night. Since I couldn’t find the scissors, my mom was angry and wouldn’t let me see the second night of it. I thought she was the meanest mom in the world. The scissors were found the next day where I had absent-mindedly put them on a windowsill covered by a curtain.

Turns out, my mom wasn’t in fact the meanest mom in the world. She was just sick and tired of me losing her shit all the time, I’m sure. I’ve found that I have to hide anything, even from my husband, that I don’t want to go missing. In fact, the issues of scissors comes up frequently. I have a secret spot for two pairs of scissors. One is a small pair and the other I use to open up my hundreds of amazon packages.

The small orange handled one is hidden away in my bathroom and the other scissors are in the very back of our junk drawer. But, even those get found and then lost so I resorted to hiding them in the bedroom closet. The older my daughter gets, the more I have to be a hiding ninja.

It’s the same with my lighters that I use for my vanilla candle addiction. I use the long lighters and probably go through several a year since my husband will borrow one for the grill and I’ll reluctantly hand it over and then will I ever see that lighter again? Of course not.

Somehow, between the kitchen and my husband’s grill on the deck, it gets Twilight Zone’d and disappears into thin air. Later on, I’ll want to light some candles for winding down and then I can’t find the fucking lighter. My husband will just respond with “it’ll show up sometime” and I want to bop him on the head because how does he expect me to unwind when I can’t find the damn lighter for my damn candles so I can fucking relax?!

Then, there’s the chocolate issue. We have a bowl of candy in the pantry but I’m hooked on the Lindt chocolate truffles and have to be careful where I put them. I thought the perfect place would be behind my Shakeology bag… fyi, that stuff is gross. It turns into this gelatinous goo even when I drink it in a fast amount of time. I know some people swear by the stuff but if you come across it, don’t bother. Making my own fruit smoothies with protein powder is so much better.

Okay, I’m totally off track. Back to my chocolate. I hid it behind my protein powder where I thought my husband never goes and while the hummingbird was wanting some chocolate, he mentioned my chocolate stash. That’s mine! My precious Lindt truffles are all miiine!

So, I have to find a better place to hide them if I buy a bag… like in my belly. If you’re a parent or parent to be, hide your shit. Because if you don’t, you’ll never see it again. Then again, when you have kids, you have to worry about finding their shit too.

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Finding Lost Soccer Socks And Shin Guards Twice A Week Will Be The Death Of Me

Every soccer season is dreadful because it ends up being so time-consuming. I love that the hummingbird enjoys playing but her weekly practices are late and by the time the season is over with, I freeze my ass off and it’s dark when practice is done.

Then, there’s the games. We got lucky because most of her games are at 8:15 in the morning. 8 fucking 15 on a Saturday morning. That’s crazy for me. The most annoying part of her playing soccer is that two days a week I tell her the same thing over and over and over again.

Put the soccer gear in the same place every time so we know where it is.

I don’t know if it’s little mischievous soccer fairies that move these things around but by the time we’re in a rush to go to practice or a game, we can’t find her stuff.

It will be by the door one day and the next, it’ll be gone. She’ll have no idea where it is and I’ll rip the house apart while yelling in my head that soccer sucks and it’s not worth the frustration week after week and year after year.

I hate the fucking soccer season.

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Book Suggestions For Adults And Kids


The Goldfinch – This book is amazing. So well written and beautiful. It’s way up there with The Light Between Oceans. Theo survives an accident that leaves his mother dead. With that accident, he took a painting, The Goldfinch. He finds comfort in an antique dealer, Hobie.


The Good Girl – I love psychological thrillers and this was a good one. Mia goes to a bar to meet with her on off boyfriend and meets another man who she leaves with. He holds her hostage in a cabin and her mother, along with a detective, will do anything to find her.


Be Frank With Me – A cute and quirky book about a woman and the quirky boy she ends up looking after.


You’ll Grow Out Of It – A funny read and I love that the stories aren’t long so I won’t freak out when I have to set this book down while I’m being bothered by my family to do stuff like cook or find soccer shin guards that always, always go missing.


The Weight Of Zero – I received this book from Random House. It’s the story of seventeen year-old Catherine and the devastating depression she goes through with her bipolar disorder.


Clementine – I’ve been trying to get my daughter to enjoy reading more and came across Clementine. She’s a feisty girl who has the hummingbird reading. Thumbs up!


North Pole Ninjas – The ninjas do secret acts of kindness for people. It comes with a ninja, a book, and fifty acts of kindness that you and your children can do. I received this one from Random House and my daughter was excited right away. It’s a great thing to get and do.

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James Fucking Bay Is On Stage But Go Ahead And Keep Taking Selfies With Duck Lips, Dumbass

The last concert I went to was about three years ago. It was Nine Inch Nails and the people that had their phones out were mostly taking pictures of the band. Fast forward to last weekend when we saw James Bay. It was an excellent show but I noticed one thing.

Everybody around me were taking pics. Some were of James Bay but mostly it was selfies. I was sitting by a ridiculous pair of girls beside me and in front of me.

They were snap, snap, snapping away before the concert started which was no big deal. Bu then, when James Fucking Bay came onstage, it wasn’t even a few minutes in that these people used it as a photo op for themselves.

I couldn’t help but notice that the girl sitting beside me went through pics of duck lips after duck lips before she chose one to post on Facebook. I don’t know how she chose one since they all looked alike.

I’m practically elf short so even when standing on my tippy toes, I couldn’t see the stage that well which is why I noticed so many of these girls taking selfies throughout the show.

Maybe I’m just old and don’t get it but then again, I hate taking selfies. I hate taking pictures in general unless I’m only showing it to a few people but I have some friends who are selfie obsessed and day after day I’ll see a new selfie and think, yep, you still have your same face. Total shocker!

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Ink Quills Guest Post: Brand New Old Friend

I’m Gela. It’s a nickname I’ve decided to adopt. I’m supposedly an adult who’s responsible, but I think some people would contest that. I love to travel, cook, entertain, and read. I enjoy writing fiction, poetry, and whatever pops into my head.

Dear Stranger,

We’ve never met and know nothing about each other, but I think we should be friends.

We live in a lonely world and I could use another friend. Unfortunately, I’m at the age where I don’t make friends easily anymore. Sure, I’ll be friendly, but I’m busy and you’re busy so it’s not likely that anything of substance will form.

I propose something new. Let’s cut through all the “getting to know you” crap and just be friends. Let’s get together over a cocktail and talk about the real issues. Let’s laugh, cry, and be genuine.

I promise I won’t get offended when you don’t call or text for days. I hope you won’t get offended when I forget to respond to you. I won’t feel slighted when you have other friends or even a life in general. I will be grateful for the time we have together. I will be a good friend to you.

There’s one minor issue to address first though. I can’t stand being lied to. I’m not talking about having differing opinions or that you might think I’m crazy at times. I expect those reactions from you. I’m just saying I expect you to respect me enough to not flat out lie to my face. I’ll promise the same.

Well, that’s my proposal. You interested?


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