It’s once again time for Peenterest; where I take funny little things I find on Pinterest and post them here. The more inappropriate, the better.
Just a quick catch up. I finally got my ass back in college. Last year, I went back to school, but it was for a specific program I thought I wanted to do. I ended up hating the fuck out of it. I decided that I just need to finally take the leap and go back to college instead.
I forgot how difficult and time consuming it is and have been so tired, I actually went to bed at 8:30 last night. Since school started, I’ve been going back and forth between I FUCKING LOVE THIS! to WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
And holy hell, I sure feel old amongst the 18 and 19 year-olds. Despite the stress and anxiety of going back to school, like Dory, I keep telling myself “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.”
Life has been crazy and stressful lately and I believe laughter really is the best medicine. Case in point, we were at a neighbor’s house, talking about how our kids want us to play, play, play all the time when that’s just not possible. My husband responded with “When I was younger, I used to play with myself all the time.” *Awkward silence* *Laughter*
I’ve always felt that the Thanksgiving holiday was more stressful than Christmas. Not that Christmas is nice and calm. It can turn into a family shit show but at least there are presents. Yes, I’m all about the presents. What do you get for Thanksgiving? Bloated, tired, and a strong urge to stab your dickhead brother-in-law.
I have a particular male relative in mind when I saw the one below.
It never fails. There always seem to be that one older relative who farts their way across the room while you have to stand there and pretend not to notice. Meanwhile, you’re about to pee your pants from the laughter you’re trying to keep in.
I gave Rachael from Three Boys And A Mom some blog love last week and linked a particular post as well. I love it so much and asked her if I can feature it as a guest post, especially for those who may have missed it. If I could, I would make this post my sister-wife. It’s hysterical and so relatable.
Rachael is a 29 year-old mom of 3 boys; identical twin 2 year-old’s and a 10 month old. She has a master’s degree in social work but is currently home with her boys. She loves and writes about all things motherhood, as well as the struggles and pains of divorce. Rachael hopes to write a book or two in the near future but until then you can follow her on her blog.
You can also find her here:
Twitter: Check out Three Boys and a Mom (@rachaelplus3): https://twitter.com/
DivorcedMoms.com profile: http://divorcedmoms.com/
I’ve never been a, “I have to have my coffee or I can’t function” type person. Thank God. I do enjoy coffee though, and have learned it certainly helps as a sleep deprived mom of 3. It’s a rare day I get to actually drink the coffee though, and I usually have about 4 half empty, or half full if you want to be an optimist, cups of coffee spread throughout the house.
Here’s how drinking coffee typically goes in this house. (Mind you, MANY steps of the day are missing. This is just a generalized run down of the coffee drinking process.)
1. Wake up to a crying baby confused and disoriented because, didn’t you just lay that little booger down 5 minutes ago!?
2. Wipe the sleep from your eyes, grab him and try nursing him back to sleep.
3. After 35 minutes of half sleep with a person attached to you, wake up abruptly to a chomp on your nipple. Ouch!
4. Try wrestling him back to sleep. This goes on for at least 30 minutes.
5. Give up.
6. Try to shake off your exhaustion and compose yourself before going down the stairs lest you fall and kill yourself and your precious peanut.
7. Put him somewhere safe like an exersaucer and find the coffee.
8. Pour it.
9. Heat it up because it’s left over from yesterday’s pot of coffee.
10. Take a sip standing in the kitchen and try to muster up some energy for the day, thankful at least for now only 1 of the 3 are awake.
11. Take another sip…
12. What’s that noise!?
13. Oh it’s the twins jumping up and down in their bed yelling, “Mooooooommmmm!”
14. Go get the twins.
15. Do the assembly of diapers, milks, breakfast, and morning cartoon choices…try to choose something that stimulates their brain and is educational, while also not driving you insane.
16. Where’s the coffee?
17. Once everyone is settled for a few minutes, sip your coffee.
18. It’s cold.
19. Heat it up again.
20. Take another sip.
21. Someone pooped. Change the diaper.
22. Take another sip…it’s lukewarm but you’ll take it.
23. Now you have to pee… go to the bathroom, with the door opened of course, and at least 2 people watching saying, “MOM! What are you doing!!?? I need some more milky! What are you doing in there!!?”
24. Answer the questions with as much of a smile as you can find.
25. Heat the coffee up again.
26. Tend to the children. Clean up some spills, trip over a toy, take a deep breath.
27. Breastfeed the little guy.
28. Where did your coffee go!?
29. It’s still in the microwave. Heat it up a few more seconds because it got cold again sitting there.
30. Enjoy a sip.
31. Fish this out of your 10 month old’s mouth.
32. Smell it, scared, anticipating if it’s poop or dirt. You can’t tell.
33. Wash it down the sink and wipe off your child.
34. Now it’s play time. Go enjoy some dedicated time with your boys.
35. Forget about the coffee for a few hours. It’s probably unsafe and radioactive by now anyway.
36. Start to feel tired and remember, “Oh, I have coffee!!”
37. Heat it up and drink a sip.
38. Everyone needs something.
39. Tend to all the needs with a 21 pounder dangling from your boob.
40. Give hugs, kisses and snuggles. Or time outs, whatever the case may be that 5 minutes.
41. Nap time! Hallelujah!
42. Get the twins down and pray fervently the little one will do the same.
43. A miracle has occurred and they’re all 3 asleep.
44. Sneak away quietly, holding your breath so no one smells you’re trying to get a 5 minute break and wakes up.
45. Heat the coffee and take a breath.
46. Take a few sips.
47. What’s that noise!? Oh the baby is awake! Of course, because he doesn’t believe in sleep.
48. Go get him.
49. Forget about the coffee and try to accomplish something while you only a have 1/3 of the chaos to tend to.
50. Clean, write, eat, study, etc as much as possible in between breastfeeding and entertaining a 10 month old.
51. Sit down for a few minutes and remember you still have coffee.
52. Heat it up.
53. Take a sip.
54. What’s that noise!?
55. The twins are awake! Go get them.
56. Do the diaper assembly (or going to the potty since you’re half potty training these big boys), get milks, tend to demands, etc.
58. Go outside, go for a walk, find something fun and entertaining, as well as educational, to feel like a good mom.
59. Check pinterest for ideas if necessary.
60. Love on your boys. Enjoy the moment.
61. Break up a fight, kiss a boo boo, do a timeout.
62. Inside for dinner.
63. Make dinner for everyone after tending to ALL the needs.
64. Ask children to come sit at the table and eat.
65. Endure the time it takes to get everyone’s listening ears on and working.
67. Bribe them with something that motivates them to eat their dinner.
68. Give lots of encouragement and praise as they make it through their meal one painstakingly slow bite at a time.
69. Clean up a spill, or five.
70. Fish the baby out of the dog bowl.
71. Clean him up.
72. Change diapers again and get more milk.
73. Follow through with whatever the bribe was to get everyone to eat.
74. Play some more.
75. Bath time. (Too many details to add them all in here…that’s a whole other post entirely.)
76. Get everyone out of the bathtub, brush teeth, diaper and dress every one. (Also another post entirely.)
77. Clean up toys and encourage boys to help you. Take some breaths after your toddler throws the toys and screams “no” at your face.
78. Do a timeout.
79. Finish cleaning and praise them for listening and cleaning so well.
80. Gather every one up for their bedtime story.
81. Slow down. Breathe. Read the story and enjoy the final moments of the day, excited it’s about to end.
82. Feel guilty for being excited.
83. Say prayers.
84. Give lots of hugs, kisses and snuggles.
85. Tuck every one in, dodge the the final requests and stall tactics, close the door.
86. 2 of 3 down.
87. Nurse the other one, praying he will drift to sleep soon.
88. Eventually he does. Sweet victory!
89. Lay him down ever so gently…
90. He pops back up. Nurse him again and start over.
91. He’s finally down.
92. Take a breath.
93. You made it!
94. Everyone survived another day.
95. Remember you never finished your coffee. (Yesterday’s or today’s.)
96. Realize it’s midnight and who drinks coffee at midnight!?
97. Try again tomorrow!
So, there you have it. 97 simple steps to drinking coffee as a mom!
Do you ever get to actually enjoy your coffee hot? Do you give up and make it an ice coffee? Do you give up altogether?
Let’s get a cup of coffee and talk about it! 🙂
It’s that time of the month for a Peenterest post. If you’re wondering why in the hell I call it this, it’s because that’s what I call Pinterest. I know, it’s only amusing to me. And Pinterest is where I find these funny little cards. Enjoy and I hope at least one of them gives you a laugh.
* This cracks me up every time…
**Pinterest: This Is Mommyhood
Parenthood… it can drive you fucking crazy. But then your kid does something super cute and you think damn it, I suck. I think by them doing something cute when you’re about to lose your damn mind is natures way of making sure you don’t eat your young.
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