Tag Archives | miscarriage

The Big V

I was really wanting to have another baby but my uterus isn’t having it. I had another miscarriage this past July and was ripped apart. Infertility is such a mindfuck. It’s consumed me for years. After this last miscarriage, I told my husband I can’t go through anymore and that we are done in the having babies department.

I finally told my husband he needs to get snipped. It’s really time. With all of the surgeries I’ve had, I couldn’t imagine going in for another fucking surgery to get my tubes tied. My husband went to the doctor not long after I told him I can’t go through another pregnancy loss and before I knew it, the time recently came for the vasectomy.

Woo hoo! I didn’t know I would be so happy. I’ve been dealing with all kinds of birth control methods all these years and it’s going to be so nice to not have to worry from my end anymore. We’re not going to have the freedom until about four months after the surgery since they have to test his sperm at the three-month mark and the four-month mark.

I’ll be honest. This has me overcome with emotion since I know I’m ready to close down the baby factory but this closes a big chapter in my life. I always wanted to have at least two kids but I know I’m very lucky that I have one. My heart goes out to the women who’ve been trying for years to have a baby and haven’t been able to.

It also stings when my daughter tells me she would still really like to have a brother or sister.

But, I know this is for the best, especially because I didn’t have to go through the big V. My husband is always so calm, cool, and collected so I was stressing out about the procedure for him.

Which leads me into the prep for his surgery. Let me just say, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve had to share a bathroom with my husband since we moved into our new house last year. His shaved facial hair trimmings drive me mad because they get all over the sink and he’s apparently blind to it.

While preparing for the big V, I now know there’s something worse than facial hair trimmings.

My husband had to shave his balls the night before and ewwww, the hairy ball hair got all over the sink and he set the shaver right by our toothbrush holder. To top it off, there was a pile of pubes teetering in our bathroom trash, just waiting to fall over all over the floor.

I gagged my way through cleaning some of it up and wanted to be like “Dude, can’t you just flush your pubes down the toilet?” But, I wanted to cut him some slack since even though he was acting as cool as a cumber, he had to have had some nerves, although he really doesn’t express his emotions very often.

He eventually cleaned up from the Pube Storm of 2017 but ick, ick, ick.

My husband had the procedure in the afternoon and was given a Valium which was fun to see because I don’t think he’s ever had one before.

When we got home, he was still good and drugged and laid in bed while he put his balls on ice and watched James Bond movies. He had to rest for two days which I know was hell for him because the man never stops moving. If he’s not out mowing the grass, he’s cutting something up with his chainsaw or kayaking or riding his bike.

It’s a pretty strange feeling knowing we won’t be having any more kids. I didn’t realize I would still be longing so much for another child.

It makes me wonder if that feeling ever goes away despite how old I get.

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This week has been really rough. Baby Ben was supposed to be due this week. We lost him back in mid-March when I was 28 weeks pregnant. We had already lost him before he was born but we were able to see him afterwards.

We also got his prints which I haven’t looked at again until this week. I thought I would be able to handle setting out his ashes in the urn but when we received them, we locked them up in the safe.

The little hummingbird has been telling me lately that she really misses the baby that was in my belly. She often asks if I’m going to have another baby and the answer is I really hope so.

I have absolutely no idea when we’re going to try again but at the same time, I’m no spring chicken and don’t have a lot of time to wait. I’m also scared as hell when it comes to getting pregnant again.

I know I’ll be very happy if we just have our beautiful 5 year-old but I have made plenty of room in my heart for another child and I hope that gets filled.

*No Need To Argue

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I thought I was already living some kind of hell on earth. Then I got a Creed song stuck in my head. That’s true hell.

Omg, please take this Creed song out of my brain. They are the band spawned from Satan. Ick! Lol!

No, I would never tell you the song that’s stuck in my head. I love you way too much! But the song has been in my head since last Tuesday. THE HORROR!!

I’m still in a whole bunch of hurt but my sense of humor is slowly coming back. We signed the papers to our new house on Sunday which we won’t be able to move into for another 2-3 weeks. Aggghhh!

Sure, people have been telling me they LOVE hotels, but it’s taken 5 days to go through the whole miscarriage and YES, being in a hotel sucks when you’re dealing with something like this.

I’ve been in a bad way but I’m finally starting to come around… slowly.

This whole thing has also made me feel like taking down my blog, quitting my Twitter addiction, and just disappearing.

But something inside me says …. NOOOOO!

So, here I am still.

Just so you know, for the next few weeks, there will be sporadic posting from me and guest posting from others. Once we actually move into our house, I know everything will be back on track.

Needless to say, I’m going through A LOT of changes and need to get my focus back from this crazy ass move.

Also, I love you! And I’ve been reading all the comments and the emails I’ve been getting… so thank you, thank you thank you!

*NOT Creed.

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A miscarriage is horrible and even though you feel like you want to die, you surprisingly won’t. That’s really hard for me to believe right now, but that’s what I have to keep telling myself.

I’m angry, pissed off, hurt, devastated, heartbroken, furious, in emotional hell, and want to get the fuck out of this hotel room.

We were only in Maine for 3 days when it happened.

It’s fucked up that I have to deal with this while stuck in a hotel, without any comforts of a home, and I feel like I want to die.

Pity party, table for one.

I honestly don’t know how this kind of emotional and physical pain doesn’t kill you.

Even though we thought one was enough, we found that we do want a baby #2 and will try again… once we heal and after plenty of time to do so.

We continued looking at houses the next day because we have to do what we have to do. I had to put on a happy face while we walked through homes, while my huge pads were soaked in blood and my body was in such pain.

Absolute hell.

One house we looked at had a 1 month old baby boy. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and die as soon as I saw him.

After we left, my husband and I went straight to lunch to have a drink.

We finally found a home that’s beyond what I dreamed. But we don’t move in until mid July so our things have to be put in storage.

So, here we will be, at the hotel until then.

The bleeding, cramping, and pain are still in full force. When the hummingbird catches me crying, she asks if the baby is making me sick.

She doesn’t quite understand what happened.

I cry even more because she still thinks she’s getting a brother or sister.

Thank you all for your support through this hell.

My therapy.





My 4 year-old tissue monster.



What made me actually crack a smile that was so desperately needed.





*Goo Goo Dolls


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I felt so hopeful with this pregnancy…

But I lost the baby hummingbird. I thought it was just normal, early pregnancy spotting that started last night but by the morning, the bleeding was so heavy.

After spending half the day in the ER, along with blood work, an internal exam, and an ultrasound, my worst fear was confirmed.

This baby was such a surprise but also very loved and wanted as soon as I saw the test turn positive.

I’m completely heartbroken.

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I’ll never meet you but I love you.

It’s been about 8 weeks since I miscarried and I’m still reeling over it. I still cry at least once a day over this being that I’ll never meet. My hubby won’t talk about it so I thought the best thing to do is write down what I’ve said to him in the last several weeks to get everything out.


I only knew you existed for such a short time and while it was so hard for me, I thought my feelings about your loss would start to be more manageable, not get worse like it has.

I keep thinking about when I saw the little hummingbird when I was 9 weeks along and while she was difficult to make out on the sonagram pictures and being pregnant seemed so surreal, I look at her now and I’m amazed by this person I was a part of creating.

I know you would have been just as incredible.

I’ve had baby names picked out for you for quite a while.

If you were a boy, and something in my gut says you were, we would have named you Benjamin, Ben for short.

If you were a girl, your name would have been Claire.

I’m really trying not to dwell on this but I think about how I would have been a little over 3 months pregnant. I would have been in the “safe” zone now and would be able to tell people of your existence.

But I can’t.

And it kills me.

I was so shocked when I found out about you since it was such a surprise but the shock wore off within a day.

You’re constantly on my mind and my heart has been ripped to shreds.

I want to tell you that I love you and I always will.

I know my love for you will never go away but I hope the pain I have of your loss will get somewhat easier to handle….


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