Tag Archives | social anxiety

Inconvenient

The Cycle Of Depression.

~~~~~

Things are fine.

I’ve just been feeling a little tired.

I’m so proud of my daughter and my husband seems to get me.

I’m starting classes in a few months and feeling a little nervous about my age.

I feel so old but who the hell cares.

This is big for me and I’m feeling pretty good.

But there’s a creeping sadness that I can’t seem to shake.

Maybe if I got to the gym an extra day this week, I’ll feel better.

~~~~~

I went to bed early last night but it doesn’t feel like I got much sleep.

There’s a tightness in my chest that seems to last most of the day.

There are a few times a day when I have a feeling of dread and I can’t seem to catch my breath at times because of the panic that has been seeping into me.

I want to talk about it with my husband but I know he won’t understand.

~~~~~

I don’t want to get out of bed.

I was up most of the night reading and watching Friends to take my mind off the anxiety and racing heart every time I tried to go to sleep last night.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the time I was 16 and was doing some really stupid shit.

Why couldn’t I have been a better kid?

And why did I treat my mom like shit and say what I did when I was 23?

I have no idea how I still have people in my life that deal with me.

I can be so selfish and ungrateful.

~~~~~

My classes are coming up soon.

I have no idea what I was thinking when I thought I could go back to school.

I can’t even find enough time to keep the house up and running.

I need to get more sleep but I keep waking up.

Last night I was thinking about how I yelled at my daughter that morning because we were running late for school.

That was so shitty of me.

Tonight when I was kissing her good night, she hugged me tight and told me she loved me in her sweet little voice.

Why can’t I be a better mother?

~~~~~

My husband took my daughter out ice skating Sunday morning and I slept in until 10 am.

Despite that, I’m exhausted.

I’m still not out of bed and it’s noon.

I can’t believe I didn’t go with them to watch my daughter ice skate.

She didn’t seem to mind but I should have gone anyway.

I feel like a burden.

I’m like some inconvenient thing to everyone I know.

My life doesn’t seem to be going anywhere and I shouldn’t even take those classes next month.

Nothing really matters and everything I do seems inconsequential.

~~~~~

I don’t even know why I bother.

~~~~~

My daughter read a little story she wrote this morning.

It felt nice to smile again and mean it.

I wish I could be a better mom to my sweet girl.

My husband deserves a better mother for our child.

But I know I’m doing my best.

~~~~~

I finally got more than a few hours sleep last night.

If this keeps up, maybe I can make it to the gym in a few days.

I talked with my husband about the panic attacks I was having and while he didn’t seem to get it, I feel better that I said something.

~~~~~

I was in the kitchen this afternoon and turned on some music.

It felt good to dance around the kitchen and have a little fun.

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50 Shades Of Red

I am painfully shy. That’s why I’ve always been so drawn to writing, because I can say what I really feel. It gives me confidence.

I’m also big on blushing which then starts this cycle of getting even more embarrassed and blushing more. That’s when I start wishing that I could just be invisible.

What I usually don’t tell people is that I actually have social anxiety. It goes way beyond just being shy. For me it can get me so anxious in social situations that I’m paralyzed with fear.

About 10 years ago I had my first episode with depression which made my social anxiety worse, again starting a cycle. The more depressed I was, the less I wanted to leave the house.

Not because I didn’t want to go out but because I felt so exposed. Like all of my insecurities, emotions, and vulnerabilities were a flashing sign to the world.

The depression and anxiety became so bad, it took all I had to even leave the house to check the mail. I would cringe when the phone rang, fearing the person from the outside world.

It took time to find the right medical support and treatment for it. The worst part was just picking up the phone to reach out.

The very first doctor I told my irrational fears to replied with “So, what? You don’t like people?”

That’s not what social anxiety is about. Okay, I do prefer animals to people, heh, but social anxiety for me is about thinking of all the dumb things I might say in a social situation, or doing something that embarrasses me. It just feels 1,000 times more intense than just some shyness here and there.

I finally found an understanding doctor and while I may not be the life of the party, I’m pushing myself more to simmer down all of my irrational thoughts I have in social situations.

There are still days even now when I have to give myself a pep talk just so I can do something as simple as go to the grocery store. The thing is, when you have social anxiety, doing those everyday things aren’t simple at all.

I know I’ll most likely be dealing with social anxiety for the rest of my life but I’m going to do my best to slowly crawl out of my shell. Writing about it is a good start.

Do you get nervous in social situations?

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